The Journey of Blake

1. Age: 24
2. Porn use from: 12
3. Porn use intensity:
   • Four to five times a week on average.
   • Worst: 4 times a day
   • Best: Roughly two months without porn when living with my partner.
4. Sexual performance:
   • Able to erect and penetrate roughly 60% of the times
   • Anorgasmia: unable to ejaculate during sex (never in my life).
   • Haven't had sex for the past three months as my partner went to work in another country last December, and I relapsed almost on a daily basis at the begining of this year... Tried to go no PMO for the past two months but failed many times. So probably PIED right now.
5. NoFap streaks
   • Currently on: day 0, PMOed today to youtube video...
   • Last streak: 15 days.
6. Goal:
   • Short term: beat my last steak of 15 days no PMO.
   • Long term: 90 days of no PMO.

Will try to keep this thread alive. Check-in once a day or when the urges hit. Welcome to share your thoughts fellow fapstronauts.

 

Day 1 Note

• Urge:
  • 2 counts, but contained by browsing the forum.
• Libido:
  • 100% morning wood probably because of the arginine in the prawns I had last night.
• Productivity:
  • Not productive at all. Was playing games and browsing Youtube most of the time.
• Mood:
  • Feeling stressed about the assessments coming due in the next few days.
• Overall rating for the day:
  • 5/10

 

Thanks man! Will do!

 

Day 2 Note

• Urge:
  • No noticable urge today. Because last night I was browsing some threads where people were talking about having done hardcore no PMO for years without seeing any improvement on thier severe PIED condition. It got me scared and worried. I was thinking about whether I might be an irreversible case. Nonethless, I know that PMO can only make things worse at this stage. So relapse is not a choice for me now. That's why I don't have noticable urge to PMO today.
• Libido:
  • 100% morning wood at 9 am. Went back to sleep and woke up around 11 am with no morning wood.
  • No random boner through out the day. Felt dead down there. Possibly flatlining.
• Productivity:
  • Relatively more productive comparing to yesterday, mainly because the due is becoming closer.
• Mood:
  • Feeling stressed and anxious about study and PIED.
• Overall rating for the day:
  • 5.5/10

 

You are absolutely right about that man. After the night before my anxiety had killed my libido completely except for morning woods. No craving for PMO at all, which is extremely rare from me. So yeah PIED and anxiety often go hand in hand. I think many people have overlooked anxiety.

Also, I noticed that some of them are doing hardmode without rewiring. I think no PMO alone won't get our brain completely healed as it only weakens the bad neural pathway but does not strength the good one. So rewiring is also improtant.

 

Day 3 Note

• Urge:
  • No craving experienced today.
• Libido:
  • Was doing a project last night so slept on the sofa and did not notice morning wood.
  • Flatline throughout the day, but erect when touched (just to test it out, no P or fantasising involved).
• Productivity:
  • Very productive as the deadline is coming up lol.
• Mood:
  • Stressed about study but feeling accomplished.
  • Extremely tired from the late one yesterday.
• Overall rating for the day:
  • 5.5/10

 

Day 4 Note

• Urge:
  • No craving experienced today.
  • A friend sent a porn in a all-boy group chat and I deleted the chat immediately. Instead of wanting to check out the content, I felt disgusted. It has ruined my life enough. It's my worst enemy. I won't let it get to me.
• Libido:
  • Forgot whether I had a morning wood today.
  • Got a random boner during the day at 80%.
• Productivity:
  • Stocked up and did some cleaning.
  • Did not study much as I slept in.
• Mood:
  • Less stressed as met the deadline last night.
• Overall rating for the day:
  • 6/10

 

Day 5 Note

• Urge:
  • No craving experienced today.
  • Browsing forum kills the urge effectively
• Libido:
  • Morning wood noticed when I was half awake but the erection went away before I was fully awake.
  • No random bonner for today.
• Productivity:
  • Noticed an improvement in cognitive ability. Almost like the brain fog is clearing up.
  • Pretty productive.
• Mood:
  • In an overall positive mood. Feeling fresh and clean.
• Overall rating for the day:
  • 7/10

 

Day 6 Note

• Urge:
  • Still no craving .
  • But I found that the urge of playing video game is getting stronger, which is not helpful as it is a bad habit. Replacing a bad habit with an almost equally bad habit is not ok. Under this climate with COVID-19, It is even harder to form good new habbit. And with the finals coming up, the stress I'm facing right now is unreal... Two 3000 essays due in the next two weeks followed by 3 exams consecutively. So right now forming new habbit is nearly impossible for me. At least not until I'm done with law school.
• Libido:
  • 50% morning wood.
  • No random bonner.
  • Feels like the stress and anxiety is shutting down my libido.
• Productivity:
  • Productive but not productive enough.
• Mood:
  • The mood escalated dramatically from feeling light and easy yesterday to extremely anxious and stressed today. All caused by looking at the upcoming assessments.
  • I tend to go to porn when I was stressed in the pass. Now porn is out of the picture, I'm experiencing some difficulty to let out the stress and relax. And that's definitely a reason why I was especially craving video games today.
  • I feel like everything is shit right now. No PMO is the only thing good that I have control over in my life. So I'll spare no effort in securing this only source of happiness.
• Overall rating for the day:
  • 5/10

 

Day 7 Note

• Urge:
  • Still no craving for porn. However I notice that I'm a bit horny as wanting to have sex...
• Libido:
  • Suprisingly 100% morning wood after a dead penis yesterday.
  • Random boner 3 times during the day...
• Productivity:
  • Productive during the day, but had a fight over the phone with my girl after dinner so didn't do much tonight and submitted my assignment late.
• Mood:
  • Feeling ok during the day. But the fight later today costs me a late submission of assignment. Feeling awful because of that.
• Overall rating for the day:
  • 4/10 because of the fight and late submission.

 

The issue was resolved as I couldn't concentrate with her being mad at me haha. I didn't really release my emotion tho cus I didn't want to yell at her and hurt her and I wanted the issue to be resolved fast as I'm in the middle of deadlines. It's all good between us now haha.

 

Day 8 Note

• Urge:
  • No craving for porn. Not that horny today because of stress.
• Libido:
  • Forgot whether I had a morning wood as I woke up to a phone call from my girl
  • Random boner twice during the day
• Productivity:
  • Productive because of stress.
• Mood:
  • Feeling better than yesterday but still stressed out.
  • It is the toughtest time of the trimester right now. And I still have no craving for porn. Normally I would do anything just to get to porn to relieve the stress at this stage. But not any more. Because I know that porn is only gonna make things worse. So fuck porn.
• Overall rating for the day:
  • 5/10.

 

Day 9 Note

• Urge:
  • Craved for porn for the first time. Possible reasons:
    • Sense of accoplishment, increased libido, and noticable positive changes have let my guards down.
    • Insufficiently reminded of the consequences of PMO.
    • Sexual dream last night.
• Libido:
  • 100% morning wood.
  • Random bonner several times during the day.
• Productivity:
  • More productive than yesterday.
• Mood:
  • Less stressful than yesterday as i've been poductive.
• Overall rating for the day:
  • 7/10.
• Extra notes:
  • I've noticed that I'm reading less about porn problems in the last few days. And I'm posting less on the forum. I think this is a major reason why I had craving today. I was not sufficiently reminded of the negativities that come with PMO. Fortunately, as soon as I realised the issue, I made myself watched a video by Noah Church on the consequences of chronic porn addiction. I've watched it in the past but I was not consciously thinking about those consequences today until I watched it again. And It killed my craving right away.
  • In light of the above observations, I think it is crucial for me to keep reading NoFap contents and keep posting on the forum when I'm not that busy. So starting from tomorrow, I'll try to include a quote about nofap that I find inspiring in my daily note.
  • Another note, I dreamed about wanting to look at sexual images last night and my subconsciousness stoped itself immediately. I remember slapping myself for that in the dream. It could be a reason why I craved porn today.

 

Day 10 Note

• Urge:
  • Experienced intense craving for porn but was able to contain the urges by listening to the audio book of 'your brain on porn'
• Libido:
  • 100% morning wood.
  • Random bonner several times during the day.
• Productivity:
  • Really productive
• Mood:
  • Really stressful as I had to do a online recorded interview.
• Overall rating for the day:
  • 6/10.

Day 11 Note

• Urge:
  • No craving for porn as I had a wet dream and I finished all the recent assessments so far so not stressful at all
• Libido:
  • 100% morning wood.
  • Random bonner but less frequent.
• Productivity:
  • Took a day off after the assignments all done.
• Mood:
  • Not stressed, feeling really well.
• Overall rating for the day:
  • 8/10.

Extra notes for the two days:

• Did not check in yesterday as after finishing the recorded interview I played video games with my friend then facetimed family and girlfriend.
• It's a bit late now so I'm not gonna write much for now but I'll try to share what I've learnt in the past two days in terms of reward system and dopamine fasting.

 

That's thanks to your support man! Without your support I would not get this far I'm certain!

 

Day 12 Note

• Urge:
  • No craving today, had a dream last night where I was PIED. A fruastrating dream can kill the urges.
• Libido:
  • No morning wood waking up from a PIED dream.
  • Random bonner two counts during the day.
• Productivity:
  • Another day off today. But from tomorrow need to start preparing for exams.
  • Played some games and watched some youtube.
• Mood:
  • No stress today, light and easy.
• Overall rating for the day:
  • 7/10.
• Extra notes:
  • The PIED dream last night really reinforced my resentments towards porn, so I'd say I'm glad I was PIED in the dream.
  • The reason why I marked 7 for today is that I feel like I'm starting to rely on games to keep my dopamine level high.
  • In the past few days, I've learnt that sexual cues produce the highest naturally-attainable level of dopamine in our reward circuit. Things like video games can also increase dopamine level. Even though games are not as strong as sexual cues in producing dopamine, playing game do raise our dopamine level and, therefore, can desensitise our reward circuit so we won't be able to focus on things that are important, such as study, which produces less dopamine.
  • The best way to re-sensitise the reward circuit is to do a dopamine fast. It means doing nothing for a day. To learn more about dopamine fast, here's a video:
  • I plan on doing a fast after the exams to ground myself and re-sensitise my reward circuit.