Surreal - my journey as the wife of an addict.

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by A new day, Nov 24, 2017.

  1. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Ugly day. I’m realizing so many things. I feel bullied. I don’t think he sees us as equals. I don’t think that’s something I can live with. I think he thinks he can do whatever he wants. I think that’s partly because I’ve let him. It’s not the first time this dynamic has played out in my life. Let it be the last.
     
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  2. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Yes. It’s so hard to get over the past. When we got married I thought it would be ok. Now I’m seeing all the ugly damage done to him by the death of his mother, controlling stepmother, betrayal of his ex wife, leading to the destructive of his family, rebound remarriage to a manicultive drug addict. Now married to me and all the terrible experiences I’ve have with men, bullying as a child, my parents failed marriage, my mothers mental problems and cruelty.

    And both of us are just trying to be strong and provide a life for ourselves and our kids.

    Today we got into a terrible fight about how money is spent, priorities and such. I just feel so drained. So sad.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Yes. I believe we know each other in all our glory and ugliness. We love each other without illusions. We help each other see and pursue the good. We pray together. We pick each other up.

    He had a tough couple of days of stuff happening. Some of it was amazing, miraculous stuff. He didn’t see the miracles only the downsides that made him feel defeated. We talked until the wee hours last night to get a more balanced perspective.

    If we come to mind in your day, lift him up in your thoughts or prayers.
     
  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Have you confronted him yet, @blk45 ?
     
  5. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    No. We got hit by a ton of business stuff all at once. Slogging thru that until after the new year.

    It’s weird though, I think he’s stopped PMO. Like there is no evidence. Either that or he’s gone under the radar with it. If he did stop I don’t know if saying something is a good idea or not. What do you think? Plus he’s been showing a lot more interest in sex.
     
  6. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    This was a a fear based lie I told myself. The fight we had the other day proved it wasnt true. I showed myself in the fight in a way no one has ever seen. I was equally embarrassed at my rage and impressed that I had the courage to stand up like that. And you know what? He still loves me. Even better I love me a little more. I’m claiming my personal power in this relationship.
     
  7. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    When I was an addict, my useage varied greatly over time, depending on circumstances. Looking back, I would guess that I used more when:
    • I had plenty of opportunity
    • I was unhappy or under stress
    • I was feeling distant from my wife
    • We were having sex infrequently
    Or, turning that around, when I was relaxed and happy, spending little time alone and feeling emotionally and physically close to my wife, I relied less on the prop of PMO.

    It may be that your husband is similar and is going through a period of little or no PMO. But unless he has had an epiphany (as I did) and (unknown to you) decided to quit for good, with support from NoFap or elsewhere, then this is likely to be a temporary state of affairs - he is still an addict and when external circumstances change he will relapse into his old ways.

    There is an argument that this is the ideal time to talk about it with him - when things are good, not when they are bad. In the extreme case, you could do it straight after really satisfying sex - telling him how great it was, how you love the fact that you are making love more often and asking him if he is willing to give up M for you so you get to experience this more often.

    ANH
     
  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    An addict is an addict, but as @anewhope said, the addiction waxes and wanes. I believe you should say something, however only you know the right timing. You can't let it continue to go on. It is unhealthy for both of you and your relationship will suffer more if you pretend it's not there.
     
    anewhope and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  9. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I feel so hopeless right now.

    We’ve been fighting like never before this week. I’m so emotional that I’m nauseous. If this keeps up we are headed for failure anyhow.
     
  10. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I did it. We were having awful fights all week. Two today. So I figured this info must be festering and making me unable to talk with him anymore. So I just said it.

    He said he’ll stop PMO and he wants me to help him. So I told him some of what I’ve learned.

    I feel wasted emotionally right now.

    Need to find out how to hide my content because I’m sure he won’t appreciate the things I’ve shared here even though it’s anonymous.
     
    StartingOver and EyesWideOpen like this.
  11. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I changed my username. It was too close to other usernames. If my husband gets on here he might know it’s me. I don’t think he’s appreciate me sharing as openly as I have.
     
  12. StartingOver

    StartingOver Fapstronaut

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    I hear that. I saw my husband had been on here and reading some places i had posted. I went and deleted a post of mine b4 it caused more problems i dont need.
    Its a shame they cant be supportive of us having ppl to share with and help us with our thoughts. Its a tough road if we have to do it on our own.
     
  13. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I’ve never been through anything so isolating. I can’t tell anybody. I just know he will be irrationally pissed off because of the stuff I’ve said. As if anyone will know it’s us. That’s the whole point of this site. To be a place where we can open up about the dreadful problem.

    I feel for you. I pray for you.
     
  14. StartingOver

    StartingOver Fapstronaut

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    Thank you.
    I think my husband only came on here to see if id been 'talking'. I have been asking him to start reading on nofap for months and after i told him how much reading i have done....here he is. Ugh its exhausting being this isolated and confused.
    Thinking of u at this difficult time of year.
     
    A new day likes this.
  15. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    @A new day and @HopelessAndLonely you can post on the SOs group, linked at the top of the forum. It's private, they'd have to join to see.
     
    StartingOver and A new day like this.
  16. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I’m going to do that and delete this thread.
     
  17. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Goodbye and good luck. It's a shame I won't be able to see how things progress for you.
     
    A new day likes this.
  18. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Oh. I didn’t realize that some might be interested in my progress. I’m so impressed with the people here. Truly caring.

    In that case I’ll need to consider how to address that.
     
    kropo82 and Sadgirl like this.
  19. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    This might sound harsh and I apologize if it comes across that way or that I don't care how he's feeling - But tough cookies for him if he doesn't like you opening up to people.
    It's an anonymous forum for a reason. No one from your life is going to realize it's you.
    You should be able to talk to people about it. As should he. He doesn't need to be afraid to face it anymore.
    We're all here to help each other.
    I know I need to be here personally because I can't afford counseling. So this is my counseling.

    Sounds to me like he wants to hide from it. Which is completely understandable and a reasonable way for a PA to behave at first.
    But he shouldn't try to isolate you in the process. It will only damage your psyche more.
    My fiance still avoids coming on here. He's made one post. One. We joined in September. But he never tried to keep me off here, if he had I probably would have left him.

    I hope you guys had a good Christmas or whichever holiday you celebrate, if any! :)
     

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