Surreal - my journey as the wife of an addict.

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by A new day, Nov 24, 2017.

  1. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for caring about me like that. Your husband should thank his lucky stars.

    I will take your words seriously. God bless you.
     
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  2. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    So I got a welcome surprise last night. My husband went to bed on the early side. So I decided to try something new and go to bed with him. He immediately started to make love with me. No problem getting and keeping erection. DE still a problem. We went for quite a while and then slept. Much better than last time. Then he did it again this morning. Still couldn’t finish during intercourse. But finished by hand with me helping.

    I take it as a good sign that he’s interested and turned on again by me. Maybe things aren’t as bad as I thought. I don’t know what his PMO habits have been lately. But I’m encouraged.
     
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  3. Lauralejandra

    Lauralejandra Fapstronaut

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    My husband he used to go to bed early as well and I did not about the code for PMO... everyday I learn something new.
     
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  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    My husband used to say he had bowel issues and needed to go to the bathroom 2-5x a day (he would always take his phone)
    Almost two years into reboot... He poops once.
    No more phone in the bathroom.
    A doctor confirmed... No bowel issues.
    He's a gassy man.. But men fart.
    It's not a excuse for pmo
     
  5. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Hi. I don’t know if that’s a thing for porn addicts in general. Could be. I’ve just walked in on it so I know.

    Good luck in your journey.
     
  6. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Yeah. My husband takes forever to poop. I don’t know if it’s related to porn. But I’ve considered it.
     
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  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Does he take his phone?
     
  8. Lauralejandra

    Lauralejandra Fapstronaut

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    Mine too... now I understand
     
  9. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Same here with the taking forever to poop and going to bed early during PA. He doesn't now.
     
  10. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Actually though I think he really did have some bowel issues. Stopping all the Ming seems to have improved that. But there was definitely extra time spent in the bathroom because of P. A ton.
     
  11. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Yes.
     
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I started running tests, personally... Timing it...
    Sounds overzealous maybe... But I know for a damn fact that when my guy is Actually pooping it's pretty quick.
    Like under 10 min.
    So when I first got suspicious of this being a loophole, I started asking him to put his phone on the counter every time he needs to go to the bathroom.
    Because if he's Not doing anything wrong, what is the harm?
    Big instant difference.
     
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I mention this because when he got out the bathroom and he started to stress out about the "missed moments" he used to try to go "excuse himself to the bedroom by himself"
    Immediately after.
    This started to be a thing.
    Nope.
    Caught.
     
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  14. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    You ladies really help me. Although I still haven’t brought the topic up with him. At least I know what took look for if I do.

    Right now I’m still analyzing how much this is affecting us. Isn’t it worsening? Is it tolerable? What other ways is he addicted? Is there any such thing as a good time to broach the subject?

    I’d really like to begin by getting us into a healthier place with our communication. I’m working on getting myself stable. Bringing down the stress level between us. Making things safe emotionally. I don’t want to go off like a bomb. I’m feeling better than I was two weeks ago.

    I know I’ll never feel safe enough to broach such a difficult topic. So at some point I’m going to just have to say it.
     
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  15. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I started a discussion over lunch about some ideas I had regarding a problem I anticipate coming up on a project. Immediately he interrupted me saying he doesn’t see the problem. So I began to get angry because he was shutting his mind. He is very stubborn when he is set in one way.

    So after fumbling around a bit I remembered my communication skills and said, “I want to be heard. I don’t want to try to talk to a wall. I see a problem and I want to go over ideas.” He opened up after hearing this. It took a minute.

    It’s hard to remember not to go into convincing him mode. Using my brain rather than my heart. He’s quite easy to inspire once I make it clear what will please me without making him to blame.

    Later I apologized for getting angry and said it feels better when I’m heard.

    I’m sharing this as a pat on the back to myself for turning from blame and convincing behaviors, which never work and only serve to create friction and competition to “I want, I feel” messages that make a connection to his heart possible.

    All this is a prelude to an idea I’ve had. He’s going on a short trip, about 5 days, at the end of the month. I thought I might include a “feeling” letter in his luggage about the PMO/PIED. It seems like a low key way to introduce the subject at a time when he’s not under pressure.
     
  16. Sending prayers for you both!
     
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  17. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I really think you make a significant point here. As the only person I can control is me, this is not how I want to be.

    I think his addictions spring from the controlling nature of his step mother/death of his mother at 18 months. He rebelled into hyper-sexual activity with his girlfriend at a young age. The more step-mom tried to get him to stop, the more he pursued sex with the GF. His first marriage was too a very controlling woman who ended up cheating on him and leaving him for an abusive man. His rebound marriage was to a drug addict who constantly triggered his abandonment issues by leaving to pursue her addictions. I think PMO helped him cope.

    Now I come on the scene with all my issues. Although both of us have advanced enormously from our past, the tendencies remain. If I try to control, manipulate or withdraw I will continue the cycle. Not to mention what it will do to my issues with self love.

    So I guess what I’m saying is that the direct approach is best.
     
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  18. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Hi @blk45

    That's good. I'm glad that thinking through the alternative I gave you has helped you make up your mind on the best way ahead.
    Good luck!

    ANH
     
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  19. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    @blk45 I happen to prefer the direct approach, too. I want my SO to be transparent with me, so I believe I should be transparent, too. Good luck with approaching your husband!
     
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  20. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Ok. Out with it. Each time I seriously contemplate telling him my fear starts spinning. I’ve been trying to get to the root of it. I think I finally have.

    Its what has driven all my relationships for as long as I can remember. Here it is:

    ***If you really get to know me, the real me, you won’t love me anymore***

    That’s why I can’t say it. I can’t get this real or he will stop loving me. Then I’ll be trapped in a loveless marriage. See why sexless marriage seems ok? It’s better than loveless.

    Oh God! I’ve said it. My deepest fear.
     
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