Surprising Assumptions

I really think the question for the OP boils down to something very simple that has turned into extended explanations that are not necessary, and you hit that simple question on the head. “Does his wife want to know the answer?” If the answer is yes then he tells her.

 

Thank you for sharing the update. I think it's good that you listened to your wife and your therapist.

The thread below seems to support the idea that sharing specific details will not aid in healing and could set things back as your therapist suggested.
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/what-he-looked-at.155032/

 

Every single word of this!!!!!!

 

You can post all the threads that you want but you all are still missing the point that none of that matters if your partner wants to know. If he or she asks and you refuse to tell you will never rebuild the trust lost and the addict will be back here next year saying he can’t figure out why she left him. Refusing to answer is putting the addicts needs above the SOs. That’s what got him in this mess in the first place.

 

I have to agree that if she says she needs the details in order to re-build trust, or to decide if it's worth the effort to stay, the PA needs to tell her.

He might want to preface his answer with a statement that watching porn, by itself, will lead to tastes in porn that were not there prior to the porn, that generally aren't there in real life, and which will go away when the porn viewing is ceased. There are many links at YBOP, etc, to confirm this, such as those found at : https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/search/node/escalation

 

Agreed. I think it’s certainly helpful to offer all info to the SO. Just the way you do it could mean the difference between her thinking you are making excuses and trying to diminish the behavior versus explaining the addiction to her.

 

I honestly think you are the one missing the point and are delusional (or maybe egotistical) as you are presenting your opinion as an absolute truth...

 

The point is that the OP and the therapist believe they get to determine what is right for the spouse when the only one who can determine that is the spouse herself. My experience, your experience, joe blow's experience, or 17 other spouses' experiences don't make a lick of difference. The only person who should decide what the spouse has a right to know is the spouse. It's not like she isn't aware that things will be detrimental and painful is more than likely prepared for that.

The OP's continued resistance shows an unwillingness to be 100% truthful or to care for his wife's pain. At least that is how I would see it if it were me. It would build up another wall between us instead of tear one down to bring us closer. It would make me feel as though he is still hiding something.

Again, if the spouse didn't ask and didn't want to know - not a problem. But since she did, he said no, then deferred to his therapist and continually defended his position instead of taking her feelings into consideration - that's a problem.

 

Absolutely. Tell her whatever she needs to know. No matter what. She won't be able to move on of she feels like she's left the dark about ANYTHING.
it's not up to you or your therapist to decide what she needs. Put her first for ONCE!!!

 

Exactly.

 

As you can see from below it is not my opinion alone, it is one that almost every woman that has been through this shares. I don’t think my opinion is the only one, you have a right to yours, but it is the only way an addict has a chance in heck of regaining the SOs trust. And it’s not egotistical because I don’t presume that all SOs need the same information to recover, this is individual to each. But if the SO asks and the addict refuses to answer it’s delusional on the part of the addict to think they will ever regain trust, and maybe that’s not what matters to the PA, and therein lies the problem. Do you have support from your therapist, a book, a bunch of addicts on NoFap for your position, sure. If this were a debate from a purely objective standard would you have some good points sure. But NONE of that matters. What matters is what your SO needs. If you truly want to be forgiven you will put her needs before your own and do that. It’s not my opinion that matters, but it is the opinion alone of your SO. If you can’t get there you will never gain forgiveness.

 

I think when you see a an addict fighting this so hard, you see an addict not truly ready for recovery.

 

He may be ready to recover, while still being mortified of some of the stuff he ended up watching, and terrified of his wife's reaction to it. That's another thing he might want to let her know, before he tells her the details. But if she wants to know - if she strongly feels she needs to know - he needs to tell her. It may well be the only way save the relationship.

 

I think we all read it, I did and I still see the same issue mostly with this quote with reference to your therapists opinion. “However he stated it was up there ME and my wife. That shows, to me at least that you still think that you have a say in what information she gets to have if she asks rather than understanding that the choice of what she needs to know is hers and hers alone.

I also see that after refusing to answer you spent a good bit of time convincing her that even though her original feelings were that she wanted to know it really was not good for her and she really did not need to know. To do so you used your therapist, her therapist and yourself. And so you eventually got an I’m not sure out of her, and it’s more likely than not that her original answer that she wanted to know is how she actually feels. The damage is already done in the sense that your initial reaction to her request is no.

But I think the answer to your question is simple. If she comes to you and says I’ve thought about this I’ve talked with my therapist and I do still need to know all the details will you tell her without hesitation? If the answer is no, then We are still at square one. If the answer is yes I will, then I stand corrected. Because your writings including the update say to me that you still are not sure and that’s why the comments by myself and others reflect this.

 

I don’t think any of the SOs don’t understand why the OP does not want to tell her I certainly do. But part of recovery and rebuilding is to stop the secret keeping. More importantly to be able to say to yourself yes this is embarrassing, yes I’m uncomfortable but it’s more important to me to be honest with my SO. Her feelings are more important than my own. Addiction particularly pmo addiction thrives on shame and secrets. No doubt that a situation will arise again where he has the choice between honesty with his spouse and his own feelings. Information filtering to benefit the addict is the problem here and if the OP can’t get past that that’s a problem. She needs absolute honesty in the answers he provides not just what he thinks she deserves or needs to know. Look at it like this OP “I screwed up I looked at p again (to himself). My SO asked me if I had but I told her no because it was only one time. I’m so ashamed of what I did. Telling her would only cause her too much pain and would not help her move forward.” And so he does not tell her. The thought process is flawed in that the OP thinks it’s his right to control what his SO knows because he knows what’s best even if she’s telling him something different. It may in the scheme of things seem like this topic we are discussing right now is no big deal, but it’s indicative of a larger problem with the way the OP sees things. He’s justifying not telling her something based on feelings of guilt and shame disguised to himself as only doing what’s best for her, when in reality it’s all about him.

 

Thank you for your very detailed response. I understand you are upset but NoFap is not about having people tell you what you want to hear. It’s about helping people recover and that very often means giving them an honest assessment that infuriates them.

I really only asked you one question and that was if your wife came back and asked you again saying she has to know, would you tell her. You don’t answer that. Honestly nothing that you could say would matter as to whether you need to answer honestly if asked. Not her past not support you gave her.

But what you do get right is that you have the right to say no and she has the right to divorce you if you do. The point we are driving home is that she very well may do so if you continue down this path.

We can’t make you see this but hopefully eventually you will before it’s too late! Good luck.