Hi all, I am new to nofap, this is only my second post. My husband and our marriage is struggling with PMO addiction among other things. He is going to counseling and is close to 3 months PMO free. I'm proud of how far he had come and I do recognize and appreciate that he is trying to change. He's communicating more, and very careful around other women now - I actually had to tell him last week that it was ok for him to make eye contact with the attractive female store clerk! With some prompting, he admitted he is so scared of upsetting me and losing me (by crossing that line into flirting again - it has been quite the issue in the past) that he is very anxious around other women. It pained me to hear this and I told him I trust that he knows where that line is now, and will respect it. So yes, he is trying, and improving greatly.... What I'm struggling with tonight though is "why." My hurt and anger over what he did, and his dishonesty around it all just bubbles up like this at times and it is so discouraging. He hurt me deeply, but I do recognize that the remorse he feels over what he did is nearly as intense as my grief. Why, then, am I still having these periods of panic and insecurity??? I can't shake the idea that he did it all because he didn't love me at the time, or was resenting me, or was unattracted to me... Etc. I read over and over that it's not because I'm "not attractive enough" for him, but I still feel so worthless after finding out everything. My feelings seem illogical to me and are very frustrating. Tonight I am really having troubles finding compassion for him and his behaviour, even though I know it is a struggle and that he is trying... I'm just so hurt that I want to run away and protect myself. I am so afraid of being hurt like this again by him. Can anyone give me some insight on this? I am really lacking courage tonight.
Hello TPW, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I, too, have had the very same struggle with understanding/forgiving/self-doubt. There are times when the pain I feel is truly overwhelming. One thing I have found to be quite helpful in working through all the emotions and questions constantly swirling in my head is gaining new knowledge and scientific information about it all. yourbrainonporn.com is a great place to start. Also, I read a book called Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens & Marsha Means. I highly recommend you read it, too. It does an amazing job of explaining the processes you are going through and guides you towards a realistic path for healing. It's the most helpful tool I've found so far (other than finding this community.) Please know you're not alone in this struggle. I think you'll find a ton of support here from great people who understand your very situation. Please feel free to PM me anytime. h4h
Hi there, @ThePaintingWife! I know how you feel regarding struggling with the "why" of your husband's PMO addiction. For me, that's been the hardest thing to process lately too. My husband has been in recovery for a little over 6 months, and the moments of insecurity and doubt that I experience (and it sounds like you experience too) are completely understandable. Your husband broke your trust in him; it's going to take time and a lot of work for both you and him to repair that - for him to do the actual repairwork, and for you to consistently be open and receptive to his efforts. I know it's easier said than done, but my advice to you is to take it one day at a time and communicate your feelings to him. Mutual honesty and open communication are the best things for you both. Also, you can totally keep posting in the relationship forums as well as the Women's forum if you feel so inclined. Being the partner of an addict, this forum is a welcome place for you to post and get support. Either way, it's win-win! If you need someone to talk to more directly I'm just a PM away.
While I agree with the part of your statement that everyone has things that they can improve in order to better themselves, your comments of , "just forgive him" and "focus on your own weaknesses" are incredibly condescending, dismissive, and completely out of touch. Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight - it takes time. It's not something that can just freely be given.
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse is a great book! I'm reading it right now and have found it incredibly helpful/insightful.
I also highly recommend this book. I did a book review not so long ago... http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.ph...e-by-barbara-steffens-and-marsha-means.53496/
Your struggle with "why" is the same as mine. I couldn't wrap my head around this question because I feel I've been a very good wife to my husband throughout our marriage, so why did he do this to me? What's wrong with me? Your husband is actually much further along than mine in terms of progress on his addiction, so that is wonderful to hear. He sounds like he has a lot of love for you, not his addiction. What helped me was simply to stop blaming myself. None of his behavior was due to me and there is nothing you could have done differently to prevent this from happening. He got hooked by giving into his own weaknesses. Trying to get over his addiction, however, shows he is gaining his strength back... And he is doing it for the both of you! Focus on the positive and the prospect of a much happier future. You need healing as well. I think just getting a better understanding of how the addiction and the psychological affects it has is a great start. Those will give you the answer to "why."
I don't have any advice for you because I literally feel the same way and am trying to find the answers to "why" myself. I'm sorry I can't be helpful but I just wanted to post here and say thank you for posting this because the responses are wonderful on here. You are not alone on how you are feeling for wanting to run away and protect yourself. I've never lost my appetite over something before and have to force myself to eat for the past week because I just can't stop thinking about ..."why". It sucks. But keep your head up, things always get better in time right?
Thank you for your honesty, and for other partners out there who share the same feelings. I know the "it's not you" gets somewhat repetitive, but it truly is the case. I can see the pain my wife experiences, the feelings of 'i'm not attractive' and not feeling complete. It is completely and totally regrettable on my part as an addict. I realize the introspection that must be hard to resist when their partner chooses porn over themselves. I am in love with my wife, and attracted in her both emotionally and physically. Addiction, however, is a very nasty thing. Considering my pattern of behavior, and that of most other PMO addicts, began at a very early age (~11 for me), it is a programming issue. Reprogramming, rewiring or resetting, which ever phrase you want to use, is a long and difficult process. Dopamine is a very potent drug, and it's wiring to this activity for such a long span in life is difficult to break. I don't know your husband, but I am sure that he shares the same feelings that I do with my wife. Having support of this forum, its members and the information it shares has given me much insight to this addiction. I admire the partners of addicts who are willing not only to support their husbands, but to also share their thoughts, feelings and experiences. Hang in there! You are doing something that is noble for a person that you love just as much as they love you back.
@ThePaintingWife , I too am here wondering about the why. My question is easier to answer. My husband is a born addict. Drugs and alcohol were our first battle. I can tell as the rest did, its nit your fault. Its not you. Begin by learning you cannot control him or drive his recovery. Its up to him and him alone to fully beat this. You can be there for him and support him, but you cant fight the addiction pathways, he has to do this. Concentrate on yourself . Do fun things and enjoy life!
T THANKYOU! So glad I am welcome to post here, it's been a crazy couple weeks for both of us and it's a relief to know this is all normal processing stuff for us right now.
Yes I really do hope it gets better! For you too! I know what you mean about the appetite thing. It's a struggle some days to take care of myself and get things done, difficult to avoid the "what's the point, he doesn't care anyways" kind of thinking. Lately though first and foremost I am taking care of myself physically and mentally, no problem seems quite so big when you are full of healthy food and well rested What these other ladies have suggested has helped as well, educating myself to understand a bit better... However angry and hurt I still may be, it does help. I'm still suffering from a bad case of the "whys" today, hopefully it will pass while I try to cross some things off my todo list. Sometimes just focusing on other things besides OUR RELATIONSHIP (capitalized because it's so big and scary right now lol) really can help. I hope things are going better for you lately, have you found anything else to help sooth "why?"
Thank you for your post, it is helpful and refreshing to hear this point of view, and to see that someone struggling with this addiction can and does understand how painful it can be for a spouse. I've often doubted whether my husband "gets it" or not and your post makes me think maybe I can give him a little more credit. I'm going to talk to him about it tonight, I think he does understand how much this has impacted me but I don't always acknowledge that because sometimes I'm too busy victimizing myself and blaming him. Something I keep hearing through all this is "it's not all black and white," and if I'm to ever reach any peace or understanding around this I need to remember that my husband isn't "all bad" and I'm not "all good." A good reminder!
Thank you! Yes the education on the subject is helping immensely, and helping me to find compassion for his situation. It's so easy to hate when one is hurting, I'm trying very hard not to fall into that and to focus on healing instead!
THANKS! I've just ordered this book, it sounds great! Thanks for the recommendation I have visited the site a few times, understanding is absolutely necessary for healing this hurt, it's been really helpful. Thank you for the reminder that I'm not alone. It really is a comfort that this isn't completely abnormal or impossible. We've been going to marriage counseling and I struggle with feeling like a failure by doing so. Sometimes I feel like counseling is like admitting we failed at marriage and I've failed as a wife. Another lesson I'm learning through this: asking for help doesn't mean you're failing!
Great advice Charlene, I can't imagine the struggles you must have dealt with. Thank you for sharing! I am enjoying focusing on me since the new year started, but as a very introverted (perhaps even slightly avoidant) person I am still struggling to find balance. Permission to concentrate on me has meant that sometimes I neglect "us" because I just don't want to deal with it haha I'd much rather stay busy and work on my todo list, or exercise or paint. Sometimes I feel like I'm just distracting myself from the issues instead of solving anything...but, you are right, many issues are his to solve. And meanwhile I have my own, I may just need to find the right balance between focusing on me or our relationship. Practice I guess