Stopping PM vs. PMO when married

You can try the 90 day PMO challenge. 90 days no sex isn't really a "long time" when you look at the big picture. But I think you should look deeper...

You go a few weeks PM free and then you relapse. Most people think a relapse starts when you PM but it doesn't. It starts as soon as the "fuse is lit" that gets you to PM. So, what happens before you PM? Do you stop confiding in your wife? Do you stop exercising? Do you get a little voice in your head that won't go away? Do you start making plans to PM? You get the idea. The point being, you don't go a few weeks no PM and then suddenly slip on the PM banana peel. There's more going on than that.

So, what can you do differently to tack the boat in a different direction when this starts. Can you go to your wife and say "fuse is lit, I need some help"? If you want to get past this point, you're going to have to be pro-actively honest with someone. It could be your wife, or a counselor, or a sponsor, or a friend, or an AP on this site. You're going to have to start telling on yourself. One of the best ways to tell on yourself is to keep a journal here. You will automatically get support and advice and wisdom without even having to ask.

Peace,
And Welcome,
-Quinn

 

I echo the recommendation to go PMO. I originally was trying for PM only, but then realized that my addiction to sex still encouraged me to treat my wife poorly when I wasn't getting it. That's a big factor in my 'addiction mindset'. Thus, the 90-day hard mode challenge has the dual purpose of resetting my brain with regard to the addiction, as well as encourage me to build healthier intimacy with my wife without sex being the goal. It really helps me to not objectify her and appreciate her sexuality in a different light, as well as enjoying all the non-sexual aspects of intimacy.

And of course, I'm sure someone is bound to mention karezza (oops, I guess I did). I haven't really tried it yet, except for a one-sided version of it where there was no O for me. It was actually really exciting, and I didn't feel like I missed anything. It was pretty special to just give a gift without any expectation of reward.

Whatever you end up doing, make sure that being open and honest with your wife remains an absolute priority. I made the mistake of lying and covering up my addiction for years. The opportunity cost is heavy.