STOP THE LYING

I asked my fiancée over and over to be honest with me. Nothing worked until I explained to him that when he lies to me he makes it impossible for me to live he real him. He is making me love a fake version of who he really is. I want to love him but that’s only possible if he allows me to get to know the real him. To open up about th shame and fears.
He didn’t want to look weak by admitting certain things to me. I explained that he actually is a lot weaker when he hides things. I think he is weak when I catch him in a lie. He’s told me some shameful things and while yes they hurt like hell to hear, I am able to fall in love with his honesty and vulnerability.

 

This is why I had to make it one of my boundaries. He was telling me big things, but conveniently using "loopholes" or just flat out not saying anything. We couldn't move forward if there was any shred of untruth when he was saying everything was truth.

 

I totally get this. As women, we have to work on ourselves and let the SA work on himself. That's all we can do. We can't change him, as much as we want to. This is what I have put all my focus into lately. Trying to learn to love myself again. This beats down your self esteem to nothing and the rage it brings is so hard to live with. I'm looking for outlets to channel my emotions. They are so uncomfortable to live with.

 

Just a question, What makes you think they have consciousness?

 

I ask myself this question too. It is crazy making to try and make complete sense of it. It seems that lies can become the first language of someone deep in addiction and denial. I made it very clear that honesty is so important, and so as an SO it is painful and unsafe feeling to learn that your partner in life is lying to you. My recovery is a long road because I am completely rewriting my story, trying to learn to trust myself again. It is infuriating and heartbreaking to learn about . The impact touches every area of life. To combat getting stuck in extreme anger, I imagine my husband as our son. Not in a I'm the mother and your the child kind of way, but to see him as a person with brokenness, and not just an evil monster (doesn't always work). Kind of like a child who gets caught eating cookies out of the cookie jar and lies about it. At some point, my husband's developing brain as a boy became hijacked by pornography, and it also became a way to cope in life. He stopped developing emotionally, and learning healthier ways to cope and take care of self. The shame and protection of this coping mechanism is protected through lies (crazy). It is incredibly destructive, and white knuckling to stop the behavior, and continuing with secrets doesn't work. For him, it eventually led to escalated behaviors and all sorts of distorted thinking. My number one hope that he is actually in recovery, is his commitment to recovery for himself and honesty. To allow him back in the home with our children, we went through a disclosure process, and polygraph. The trust building process is long and hard, but it is also has the potential to lead to incredible closeness, and an intimacy that living in this addiction can never provide.

 

See and there’s the conundrum. We love our PA’s, love the illusion of what could be, hope beyond hope for recovery and healing on both parts, and have empathy and compassion beyond what’s safe and secure...
Ya, it’s a tough spot to be in. Warrior Seeker of Truth, you re correct their brains did get hijacked at a young age and emotionally that’s the age they’re stuck at. That however is their issue to fix. I’ve tried so hard to understand and accept what is happening. There’s nothing more I can do, except take care of me.