Solving Loneliness

Generally speaking this is good advice. For anyone else who can't handle the spacing here is the gist:

Neediness and loneliness are basically two sides of the same coin. OP's solution is to get comfortable being alone. If you have a weekend alone and that makes you suffer then you haven't healed yet. If you can spend a weekend alone and you are grateful and you don't suffer you are solving your loneliness problem. Neediness is social poison, kryptonite to women. Abandon it.

 

Yes you're right. We have to get comfortable with ourselves, we came to this world alone, and we will leave it alone

 

Sure, but what you have to say is quality. Post all the wisdom you’ve got. I call the thing you are talking about “blue-pilled-beta-male-bullshit” or “the needy clingy”. It’s deeply rooted in me, but now that I understand the problem (or am beginning to see it) am rooting it out. It’s a mindset. I haven’t fully developed the antidote mindset yet, but I know that is what must be done.

 

You think is a mindset? The mind can affect the outcome of a situation?

 

You don't?

 

Hey guys,

this is an interesting topic. I like what you wrote there.

I also made the experience that being alone helped me to get a better sense of who I really am, with what talents I've been gifted, and what I've abandoned to maybe fit in into certain social groups.

What I found out in the last years, is: Neediness and loneliness are two flip sides of the same coin as @Buddhism Is True already stated. And they are both rooted in self-image. If you deeply, deeply unconsciously see yourself as someone not worthy of being loved by other people and not worth their time, or someone, who they wouldn't like hanging around ... You of course will be needy. Cause you'll be like beggar asking for coins, cause he doesn't feel he has any. So it's totally about inner state.

The inner picture you carry with yourself (unconciously and hidden!) rules outward behaviour, and therefore results. So if one is the beggar inside, he can't be rich outside, and he will be (just as an example) be insecure with women, cause he doesn't see himself, in the inner, worth their attention or love.

So as you already said @LOSEmyselftoSAVEmyself just going out there and trying to find friends alone won't help, cause people will 'smell' (especially women) or unconsciously receive vibrations from you, how you think about yourself, and therefore they will just get the picture of you, not being worth their time ... So their reactions are actually just mirroring your inside held self-image, you're carrying around with yourself and living by.

Realizing this deeply, is truly fucked up.

And because the self-image is hidden and unconciously, the only way to get a impression of what self-image you actually have, is, to look at your outside results.

 

Well said.

 

I think that a mindset could barely affect an outcome, I mean, I'm gonna put it like this. If you have a good attitude to do something, chances are that the result would be better but doesn't secure the success.

 

Mindset is pretty much everything. Speak and act with a corrupt mind and you suffer. Speak and act with a pure mind and you don't. I can't prove that, it's just what I think.

 

It's just what you believe, it's abstract

 

It is not just abstract. I wouldn't think it true if I didn't see evidence in my life.

 

Could you set some examples of that applied to your life?

 

Just right now, I could chose to take your difference of view personally and let it upset me, feel I need to prove something to you (this is the internet afterall) and sour my morning. Or I could think its interesting that you have a different point of view, make an effort to educate you knowing full well you are going to make up your own mind, and then get on with my life.

Confidence and competence are two sides of the same coin, or rather, two complementary and mutually supportive virtues. If you think you can do something, you are more likely to try, if you try you are more likely to learn, if you learn you are more likely to think you can. Round and round it goes.

A very potent personal experience with a women several months ago left me wrecked because I had it in my had that she wanted the same thing I did. But I got a bad case of the needy clingy and scared her off. Even if it wasn't going to work, the needy clingy ruined me for a good while longer than I would like to admit. Without the needy clingy mindset, with the mindset of I just wasn't ready for her when I met her, I am unbothered by the fact that it didn't work out the way I wanted it to.

Your mindset impacts the way you feel about what happens to you, which impacts how you act, which further impacts your mindset. You can't just think your way out of your problems, but when you change your mind about your problems they get easier to solve.

 

This is something that is really weird, personally, thoughts don't have meaning beyond the one you give to them. I don't think that if one think about being successful in something that would change the outcome. Actions is what matter here. I could just sit in my chair and say "I'm gonna win the lottery" and then magically I win. No sir, this is not how it works, actions whether you think positively or negatively don't affect the outcome. I could say "I am going to ask that girl out, having this mindset that my friend is talking, thinking positively, fighting with my mind to avoid negative thoughts, and that's how she will tell me yes, yes she will" and then she says no and the whole thing is fucked up bro.

 

Thinking positively only works if there's a positive self-image to be the fundament of that thoughts. Otherwise, it'll be fighting, and taking action will feel like effort, mostly driven by pure willpower.

On your point, with only action matters: Have you ever tried to change something in your life by pure willpower and taking action? It's not going to work, unless you simultaneously change your self-image. Otherwise, always something will happen, call it accident, that will push yourself back to the old status quo.

I think @Buddhism Is True 's story with the girl and the neediness is a good one to understand this...

Why did you become needy and clingy and ACT in a way that scared her away? I guarantee it happened kind of like on 'auto-pilot'.

It's not really about mind-set, which is often just another word for positive thinking. You can have a good mind-set in your thoughts, like your ideal of what you think you are, but under the surface, there's still the needy and clingy guy. As long as there's the needy and clingy guy below the surface, you'll ACT like that. If you change the picture, you'll change your ACT and therefore change your result.

When I speak about self-image, it is your perception of who you think you are (unconsciously), which is formed essentially in the first 6 years of your life. These are actually ideas put there by other people.

If the self-image stays in control, your life will basically stay the same. You can act and try basically all the time, but the results will 'magically' not change very much, cause they'll always be coherent with the self-image.

This is also true for people trying to get rid of porn. They won't succeed until they 'hammer' a new picture of themselves into their subconscious mind. If there's a new picture in the subconscious (you can also call it a new goal) that porn is opposed to, they'll almost magically become clean, without much effort.

 

It sounds like you talking about magical thinking. That isn’t what I am saying. How you talk to yourself matters. Your attitude towards yourself and others matters. When I talk about mindset that’s what I mean. Thoughts are actions of a different sort. Your thoughts matter. They impact what you say and do.