So, here goes. (AKA TIFU but also made an important decision. )

I had an unfortunate event happen tonight; the culmination of years of pernicious habit finally bit me in the ass in an eye opening way. Kinda funny, actually. I was online looking for ways of masteurbating and went to chat roulette. I'd gone there frequently in the past (and had very little success, might I add). Anyway, I was so "amped up" that I jumped at an opportunity that came my way: a girl from the Netherlands moved to Canada and was as "amped" as I was. Long story short, Some dude from whoknowswhere videotaped me in... A very embarrassing situation... And extorted me for $400.00 to erase it. Not my finest hour: I had supplied him with my phone number which he used to look up my Facebook profile and started copying the urls of my friends and family for me on the skype page. I didn't give him money. I guess I'm thrifty like that. Thought I'd come clean before give money to a guy that resorts to things like this. In the heat of the moment I posted a status update:
"I've been the victim of a blackmailer who videotaped me online via Skype. If you receive a message from anyone claiming to be me, it isn't. This is a huge embarrassment to me and I hope everyone can forgive me for my vices. If you recieve a message from someone claiming to be me, please delete it and don't open it. I've learned a valuable lesson. Please don't make my mistake."
I even called the police and complained. A cop came by my apartment and told me to report it to ic3.gov but that there was nothing he could do. I acquiesced and reported but,let's face it, nothing will be done. I told my girlfriend the whole story (because she would read the status update anyway. She didn't seem mad, which was the worst part; just disappointed, but to a higher degree- I can't describe it, really. That was a great and fun experience to have but it's totally beside the point.

The question of the hour is "what drove me to do this?" It wasn't loneliness or non-satisfaction with my girlfriend. It wasn't a casual, infrequent act gone awry. It definitely wasn't an innocuous mistake I made to go online in the first place. This has been the bane of my existence since as long as I can remember. I habitually masteurbate two to three times (on a good) day, taking up ridiculous amounts of time. I used to feel so horrible afterwards but the years and years have numbed that feeling. I have always been half assedly debating with myself about whether or not it's a problem and had mostly decided that it wasn't. That was probably around three years ago, when I decided that I would just go with the flow, as it were. After all, I didn't have any control over it anyway. I would furtively abscond to my room first thing after class and masteurbate intermittently for hours. First thing in the morning, a similar ritual until I had to shower and go to class (I'm not saying that I got mediocre grades as an undergrad because of porn but I sure as hell could've used that extra time and focus on things that mattered).

I'm two people. I lose myself for hours at a time whenever I get time alone. It just springs up in my mind like a Pavlovian response. Nobody's looking? Well, better masteurbate. There's little fighting it. The urls appear on the screen with practiced motions, now perfunctorily typed. Most of the time, I'm not even aroused. I'll be doing something the farthest thing from sexual and then, the second I'm alone, there's this thing in my mind telling me that it would be great to pull one out. And I dont fight it anymore. Sometimes, my penis will hurt from masteurbating repeatedly and I will still feel the urge. A lot of times I have a hard time getting hard for the woman I love, and it makes me feel shitty, like I'm letting her down.

Who can say if the occurrence of tonight was a good or bad thing. It's just a thing. We'll see what happens. What's for sure is that I was reminded that my porn addiction has real substantial destructive power, over my life. This part of me, that's been a part of me forever, is a weight on my life, my goals and my dreams. It hurts those around me, wastes my time and provides poor dudes from a down trodden situations a chance to exploit my dignity.
I've decided to give it another shot for my own good (mostly). I won't give up even if I slip. I'm hoping this community of like-minded people can help me. God knows I need it. Maybe if I get through the worst of it, I'll be able to encourage another... Anyway, my hopes are high.

I'm fucking done with my compulsive masteurbating. I'm fucking done with my internet porn addiction. I'm taking my life back. I'm going to improve myself and the monkey on my shoulder isn't going to stop me. (Go away, monkey! Shoo! Shoo!) Today, Sunday May 29th, at 3:32 am, I'm going cold turkey (gobble gobble). Let's see how this "rebooting" thing goes

 

Thank you for your response and your outreach. It feels a little like the ground under me has shifted. Many people "liked" the status update, meaning they understand what I did, and that I've revealed a part of my self that I've hidden from everybody. I still feel ashamed but weirdly supported in a way. Your response is more Icing on the cake. I know that I'm not alone in this struggle. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

 

I want to post an update: Day 1-continued. I woke up wanting to masteurbate but, still feeling shitty, It's easier to resist. It comes in waves; I'm never quite out of the water and sometimes the desire to fap is at my ankles and sometimes I'm up to my waist.
I hope to talk to my girlfriend today. She's out of town until next week and so it will be tough until she gets back.
So far so good though. Currently 5 hours sober (Woohoo). I think I'll try to keep myself busy today and go to the library when it opens.

 

Day 1 down!
I can't say I feel much different but I'm excited about the prospect of carying this through to the end of 90 days and beyond. Baby steps. My urges haven't been so bad to ignore this far. I talked to my girlfriend and was honest with her. I told her that I have had this PMO compulsion since I was little and the extent to which it has affected my life. I even told her about the lies that I told her; came clean about accessing chat rooms to sext people. About how whenever I was alone, I would M.
She's out of town and pissed and I think we'll need to rebuild some of the trust lost, but I think things will be ok as long as I stay the course.
Now it's about integrity. I told her I was going to stop PMO FOR 90 days and now I have to deliver. I have to be the man she knows 24 hours a day. No compromise. Right now, after only one day, I still feel weak and flimsy, like a loser. But as time goes on I imagine I'll feel like a slab of steel, unmovable by PMO compulsion.

 

Update: It's been 2 days and 15 hours since my last PMO. I feel good about this decision I've made. It feels like it's been so much longer than two days... Fml. My fiancé (-I must correct myself, when I mentioned her; I said "girlfriend," she's actually my fiancé-) agreed to support me in my 90 days of total sexual abstinence.
Speaking of, I feel like I've been a terrible person to her all along. In the past, I prided myself on being a great man to her. Supporting her emotionally, buying her gifts, offering her reprieve after a long day at work, cooking meals... But since I got caught (literally) with my pants down, I think that all that is truly for nought. I'm the guy I always loathed. Disrespectful, unfaithful, sneaky and weak. All these things, I know I am and it's because I was caught doing something disgraceful. Pretty lame. I'll use that shameful image of myself to never make the same terrible decision again.
What has to happen now is this: I need to change. I told her that I would update her every day about my PMO status with complete honesty. No more lies. I need to be strong and not dwell on my mistakes. Feeling sorry for myself isn't constructive. I need to move on and keep the momentum of positive change going. When I see her again, I've resolved to hold my head up high. I'll tell her, with all my humility, that I have been living a version of my life that is less than what I wanted. I will also commit to change for myself. This is the biggest change to make. I need to commit to being the model of integrity, discipline and hard work that I always wanted to be. Such things have never been my strong suit. That changes today.
All this is all well and good, but it's just words as of right now. I haven't proven myself strong yet after two days. I think I should keep myself in check. Staying humble and not being completely content with any progress that I've made (I'm happy at the decision I made but it's not enough to just decide something).

A couple of things I think I'll do to keep myself on track- what I've picked up from a cool group that I've joined called the "Heirs of the Sun"; In order to get away from mindless procedural activities (like, PMO, browsing the Internet, playing games, etc. I will do these two things every day:
1) do something out of the ordinary and report about it in a group.
2) Spend 15 minutes checking in with myself. I think I'll quietly meditate for that time.

 

@fupornwife, that would be great. I'll for sure show it to her. Thanks for being such a great support.

 

As for therapy, I haven't really looked into it yet for us. Money is tight but I think it would be a great thing for us. I'll suggest individual therapy for her. It's definitely worth considering.

 

Much appreciated. Downloading it right now!