Separation ... and Compartmentalization

So sorry. But I have found that just coming to the realization that there is mourning to be done has been cathartic. Thinking of you and your family while you go through this.

 

Yes, I think I mentioned grieving and mourning in your journal as part of the process to healing and getting to empathy.

Given that my husband recently moved out, I am only half a week into living separately and it's absolute hell. I can't imagine 4.5 months. I know that for me to keep my sanity I focus on being the best mother and best business woman I can be. If my marriage is falling apart/at a stand still then that's it for Right Now. Obviously I am the SO and my husband is the PA in our situation so it's a bit reversed.

If you can take the time to actually grieve the marriage you've had (not to say that you and your wife won't build a new marriage) that can be helpful. I cry a lot about what I thought my husband and I had. I cry about what I thought we would have. I cry about the future I had planned that no longer exists. I mourn. I mourn so I can leave the past relationship behind and focus on the future and (for my case) building a new marriage if my husband chooses.

Your wife and you are both in pain and this separation is hard on both of you. Your wife is going through her own process of dealing with the pain right now.

The thing that I've learned is to be comfortable with discomfort. None of this is fun, nor easy. It's really uncomfortable. The discomfort, ideally, won't last forever. Getting through the ambiguity of it is the worst. It's the not knowing that is the killer and paralyzer. But life keeps moving forward even when other parts are stagnant.

Keep doing recovery work, keep learning, keep mourning, keep trying to learn to be empathetic, keep being a great dad, keep doing awesome at work, and keep being ready for when your wife is ready to talk and choose one way or another.

i know you have a counselor that you and your wife see. Have you been able to talk to the counselor alone with the things that you need at some point in this process?

As an SO I have to say there is a time where we must make a decision, we must choose to forgive and move forward or let go. It's unfair for us to keep someone hanging forever for an answer. I know I might get crap for saying all that.... but.... I do think there is a limit.

There is a process to healing, there is a greiving and mourning that must take place. But at some point a decision needs to be made, not only for her or for you, but for the entire family. You guys both love your kids, and I hope your wife is aware of how this is/might be impacting them. The decision to wait and not choose not only impacts her and you but them as well.

I hope that the counselor you've been talking with, you both have talked about the kids, how long is too long to wait. I know my therapist has talked to my husband and I many times about options, decisions, the impact it has on each of us and Baby A. Our therapist has never pressured us to choose but has made us look at realities and the tough decisions that impact us all.

They say that recovery from BT takes 3-5 years which is reasonable. But that implies that the SO is working on themselves, and working on the relationship. I really do hope that your wife can process her pain in the next coming weeks/months and be closer to a decision. I hope that you can mourn and find some way to stay sane in this limbo. It's true, enjoying life while in limbo is the goal.

I have my up days and my down days, but if my husband and I divorced, I would know how to survive and find happiness. It might take a while as I would grieve the end of something I've been trying to save and rebuild, but once the grieving is over, I would make sure that I am living life to the best of my ability and know that life isn't over just because the relationship is. (easier said than done)

I believe that you not only have the knowledge and support to do this, but I believe you are 100% capable of being able to live on your own and find happiness in the sadness. Even if they are just moments in the day, they count. Being happy over how warm the day is and taking a walk, being happy over how amazing that restaurant was, being happy that you kicked ass at work, being happy when you are with your kids bonding.... those are all real moments to embrace and enjoy.

 

Beautiful post, Anna.