Self hatred

Maybe you are "looking from the wrong point of view". Honestly, my two cents here is seek for professional help. This website is not a site with medics or professionals of the area (maybe many, but most of us are just normal people looking for solutions that fit with our own goals), then will be good you talk with a specialist to help you accurately.

 

its a horrible cycle we got in "O" just like a circle its so simple to me now, however its hard to break free because you have to go against the cravings and they can can stay for a loooong time, if you get on a long streak 60+ days you start to feel completely different and you see how your mind changes, yet there's still urges and its still a slippery slope to go back into old ways.

In my experience you can not give up you must keep trying and don't be hard on yourself when you relapse think about what could you do next time that would have helped to not have given into the urges. but ultimately I think you need a real big reason to quit or the easy dopamine will seem like a better deal.

In my current streak I sense my hatred is down to about 25% ish and I love myself more then I have in a long time, gets better everyday. I recommend making big changes and making a habit of that too, I would wrap my laptop up and not use a PC at all for some time, I had only an app TV device and mostly watched educational stuff for some time to occupy my mind. Dig for the reasons you want to quit write them down.

I want to love and respect myself.
I want better Relationships.
I want to serve a grater purpose.
I want to help others.

yours may be very different...

I wish you well, you can do this.

 

The addiction causes low self-esteem.

Just start doing recovery in some way. Meditate. Work out. Commit to a short streak. Install a porn blocker. Gray scale your phone. Read YBOP. Read Easy Way. Watch Gary Wilson’s Ted talk. Anything

PMO addiction causes a lot of other problems and creates a bad cycle. If you can break out of that you can create a positive chain reaction. Godspeed

 

I think the self hate is a root cause for yoir addction. That self hate comes from some trauma which happened to you in your childhood. You either know about it, or not. Dealing with THAT is a way to get rid of addiction and getting your life in order. You have any idea of what that trauma is?

 

I'm with you. It's extremely hard. Just two things that have helped from my counselling:

1. Build esteem by doing esteemable things. This sounds simple but it was a revelation to me. I did not consider myself worthy of esteem. I hated myself, wanted to hide and run from life. I felt like poison to others. That there was no redemption. But even a 'bad person' can do good things. Pick up a piece of trash on the ground? Boom, you might be human trash but you just made the world a little bit better. Bit by bit, you can build esteem. Not in the eyes of others, this is for you. Your self-esteem. When others put you down, ignore you, betray you, you will have a tiny plant inside you. A secret plant, maybe just a single leaf sprouting from the dirt. Something you are proud of, something you have nurtured, and is relying on you to survive. Just focus on that. The seed is there.

But actually doing things is hard, so:

2. When you are feeling so low, everything is harder, much harder. Something that seems trivial for a non-depressed person, (eg. tidying up, going for a run, self grooming) can be too much. I beat myself up for not doing the 'minimum', not being able to accomplish the things 'normal people' do. My counsellor showed me I need to lower my standards. It takes practice but the key is breaking things down into smaller parts. Everyone will think you're lazy, you could be doing more, you won't fit with societies expectations, but you will eventually do you what you need to do, for you.

For example, I set myself a goal to run 3 times a week (easy right?), I never ran. For months I kept beating myself up for not being able to do that. I'd sit there for hours on the couch browsing reddit, then beat myself up for wasting time. So I changed it to once a week. Still never went. A walk up the hill? Nothing. A 10 min walk round the town? Still felt like too much. So I said fuck it, I'm gonna walk to the end of the road and back. And I did. And I felt good. That's all I can do right now and that's enough for me. It'll seem too slow, but the point is, to start. If you need to split a single task into 15 micro-tasks to start on it, then that's what you need to do.


Good luck jurte, I believe in you. x


P.s. For me, litter picking is great. You can just get a bag and some gloves, and go. You can go for as long as you want, whenever you want. People appreciate you. You clean up your area. It's free, and it counts as exercise. I don't even take a big bag, a regular leftover bag from the store. It's full in no time and you've done something objectively good.

 

Depression is a real thing and you should see your doctor to get properly diagnosed. Once you know that depression is actually the issue, you can begin treating it with therapy, medication, lifestyle changes and/or whatever your doctor and you decide on.

Speaking from my own experience: Depression can be treated very successfully. Don't give up, bro!

 

I am so sorry that you feel this way, brother. But NO ONE is a "lost cause". You CAN heal your brain and feel better about life. Don't give up!

 

I think P is really just the easy way to cope with major stress. You probably are not accomplishing much in your personal life and feel like a loser. I often feel this way. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those dumb uneducated types that seem blissfully ignorant like gypsies wandering the streets. Not everyone has a good support network around them. Most of us have shit relationships with our parents. Its a tough life man. If P didnt exist and this was another time in history, you prob wouldnt hate yourself so much. Youd prob just find something to do. It sucks that P exists and is so fucking readily available. Its unfair. Its easier to access than going to the store for water. Its such a devlishly available drug. Its so messed up. If this was the 50s youd be bored and probably just go outside the house but instead P is an option. This always pisses me off when I think about it. I guess one main takeaway from this message is just have some compassion for yourself. We are on such a tough battlefield where the trap is always a finger snap away. Youre not alone man. ALL of us are struggling so hard just to avoid using this poison. Keep fighting. Something will eventually shift for you.

 

Trust me, i know exactly how u feel. It feels good to know im not alone in feeling this way. It sucks to have ur dopamine sensitivity constantly stolen away from you. Youre probably often left with the feeling "what could i have accomplished? Who could I have been if I didnt have such low dopamine!?"

 

It’s probably because you don’t agree with what he’s saying. What is he saying that’s wrong?

 

Hi buddy. "I suffer from depression 80% of my life" was enough for me to know what to write to you. After this post I have no doubts. Welcome to the club.

I am not a psychiatrist and my opinion is not a diagnosis. But I can put you on the right track.

I was a weird kid too. I also liked talking to myself. I have also been depressed most of my life, I even had an episode with very bad thoughts. Now, even when I don't have depression, I still feel like I have it.

Psychologists talk about trauma and if they don't have anything interesting to say, they will send you back to your early childhood, which you don't even remember. But fortunately, the world is different. 2 years ago I decided to change my hopeless life. After a year of amazing transformation (from zero to average), I noticed that many things were beyond my strength. This could cause depression. But I kept looking. I found.

Look for a psychiatrist and ask for a neuroatypical diagnosis (ASD, ADHD, Dyslexia). Don't be afraid, these are not any diseases or disabilities. The brain simply started to develop differently, it's normal, we are still evolving.

Also ask about CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome). Sometimes a virus infection or bad intestinal bacterial flora causes symptoms of depression or worsens neural problems (especially ASD).

Get your parathyroid hormones and blood tested (a blood test helps diagnose CFS). Get yourself checked out in general.

You can also do nothing. But it won't give you peace of mind.

 

Personally, my depression and porn use went together. I'm not sure which was first, but they both fed the other and just made it all worse.

When i began to see therapists for depression I also then began to work on the porn, too. It has taken far too long to get recovery from both, but I'm here in my mid 30s having victories every day in both regards.

Personally, my worth doesn't come from anything i do. It can't. That causes absolute restlessness. Who defines if i did a good job? What if i don't achieve my goals? I either then have more reason to hate myself or more reason to lower my standards. No, i have faith in a god who is bigger than all of that, who sees the darkest parts of me and who yet still loves me.

This doesn't mean i don't struggle. I'm still working on anger and self harm. But the funny thing is, I've also noticed that when I've been addicted to porn I've not self harmed as much. Obviously i want to quit self harming. But i like that experiencing all of the emotions that i can now feel without porn. I'm more alive than ever before.

 

Sounds like you need some decent therapy dude, it really helped me. Giving yourself shit really is just going to make things worse. What would you say to your best mate if they were in your position you need to encourage yourself and be kind. Do a gratitude list each morning realise there are people in the world living on the streets drunk that crap themselves regularly. People with no arms and legs, paralysed people in wheelchairs. I know depression is so bad and with the porn addiction on top it’s almost soul destroying. But think of the things you’re grateful for.
The depression will get easier when you get away from porn. But nearly all men masterbate and watch the filth. Get some blockers on your devices and forgive yourself dude you only have this moment and why waste it beating yourself up about the past that has gone. Reinvent yourself:what are your long term goals? Plan, journal, make a list of thing you get enjoyment from that are healthy

 

I agree. People with those diagnoses usually feel and are told they're "weird"