Warning, there may be triggers in the following post. I have a problem and I need help... My problem roots in my childhood. My father used to disrespect me with harsh words saying "that I'm so lousy like I'm made of shit" and "that I'm pretty dumb". He was telling me that as long as I can remember and very often thru my life... That killed my self-confidence in my very early age. I'm now 37 yhrs old male and still have effects of that,,, My problem manifested in a way that I have huge sexual performance anxiety, no matter how the partner is aroused or how much she loves me, I just can't believe that I'm good enough to deserve that kind of affection. It is also cause of my fetish - a love of pantyhose, that I have since my early childhood when I was around 4 yhrs old (I clearly remember when I had my first fascination with pantyhose: it was while looking at a clothing catalogue and then I saw girls my age in pantyhose. Probably, because of me being so young, I couldn't distinguish my sex from them so I related to their feminine? I really don't know... That lead to mayor problems in the bed thru my whole life: I never had urge to have sex with women but did have huge urge to be accepted by them but in "I'm an equal as you" and not in a "I'm a man" way. I didn't have that urge with men and with them it developed in a way that I wasn't interested in their opinion. It developed me in a kind of person that I never sought company of men and always sought of being accepted by women which would look like I was desperate (because I didn0t want sex but acceptance) which in turn turned them off instantly and no one would want to be with me which in turn was destroying my self confidence leading to the problem that I couldn't perform well in bed when I could get to that level of relationship... In short, my sexual related life looked like this: in puberty and teen years while others wanted to have sex, I wanted a female "soul mate" to love and adore. In elementary school and junior high school I did have female friends but never a girl. Also I did have a crush but the girl that I would choose wasn't interested in me so it was like my self-sabotage excuse that I don't have to engage in relationship because "the true one I wanted did want me". I went to technical high school which was 90% male and girls were bad looking so I had excuse not to engage in relationship with them and having female friends from elementary school left for other high schools, I was left with no females to try a relationship in my life... Also I've surrounded myself with weakling friends who teased me a lot but didn't had any success of their own with girls. We were like a pack of desperate weaklings keeping our self miserable. In that time I started smoking pot. Also it was the time when internet started so free porn became very available to me and I masturbated on it regularly. I've developed a taste for women in nylons or pantyhose having an anal sex. It turned me on because I could relate to them: I had an asshole so I could imagine how it would feel and felt feminine because of same nylon/pantyhose affection. Also around 19 yhrs I started to experiment with masturbating my ass with dildo. I did it rarely because it didn't feel right but the tough of fucking my ass aroused me and made me feel more connected to the women in porn. I wanted that feeling of being humiliated by wearing nylons and being fucked in the ass like dirty whore... Years have passed and I tried to have sexual relationship with women but always failed. It was common that my relationship lasted week or two and that a girl would dump me because of "being to good for her" because I wouldn't want to engage in sexual activity from start. I was virgin until my wife came, when I was 24 yhrs old. I've decided that I would change my approach: I started to engage sex very early and we had sex only a week in our relationship. It was a bad sex, I couldn't get a hard on and as I remember I couldn't cum. But she was very supportive and wanted to work with me so gradually our sex improved. She also liked to wear pantyhose so she didn't mind my fetish and would wear them for me every time we had sex. every time. We never had sex without her wearing them and we were in marriage for 12 years... But even she wanted sex with me in pantyhose, I had a porn addiction and taste for anal sex so I wanted her to try it. She refused but after few years of marriage, she decided to give me an opportunity to fuck her in the ass. I became so aroused, I never ever had an arousal like that and we fucked shortly because she was feeling uncomfortable and wanted me to finish. So I did and we never had a anal sex ever again and she would regularly complain that was the worst experience for her. Later, at the end of our marriage, she complained that that was the only time my penis was hard... Parallel, I watched a lot of anal porn, daily. I was obsessed. In rare occasions when my wife would leave home for longer periods, I would wear her pantyhose and fuck my ass while while watching anal porn. I don't like men, I'm not attracted to them so I wasn't into gay porn but when the transwoman porn became widely available, I become addicted: female looking sluts with dick being fucked in the ass while wearing pantyhose - a dream combination for my fetish. I could relate so well. Later, because I've watched almost every porn scene with transwomen wearing pantyhose on the net, I've developed taste for transsexuals. Also my female anal porn became more cuckold oriented and I watched only amateur videos of slut wives being fucked by black guys in the ass. It was the most dirtiest and most sluttiest thing for me and I related so much with it, and would masturbate my ass trying to achieve an anal orgasm. I even build a fuck machine out of wiper motor from car and used it to fuck myself while being stoned on pot and watching transwomen of wives being fucked in the ass... My marriage suffered greatly: we have a child and she was depressive (problems originate from her childhood). I was loving and caring husband and father. Sex with my wife had dropped to maybe once a month, on Saturday when we both would be relaxed and it was bad sex - most of the time my hard on would drop after 5 min of sex and I couldn't cum without imagining porn scenes. Days of her support were long gone and she would criticize me on every occasion and for every bad performance, and when she wouldn't criticize me, I would pick a fight about how the bad sex was her fault because of her not being aroused... I told her years ago that I watch anal porn and we also had few inter courses while watching porn together of wives being fucked anally by other men. It helped somewhat but she wasn't into it so we did it only few times. Sex was good in those situations and my arousal was great... But in the end our marriage broke because I accused her of mistreating our daughter and she accused me of sexually abusing her all those years. We are in the divorce procedure now and fighting for the custody over our daughter. She will loose because she is mentally ill from before, something I couldn't fix and she wouldn't address properly (she has anger management issues) After we broke, I've decided to stop using pot and stop watching porn and to masturbate. I'm clean of pot for almost 3 months now and haven't watched porn and masturbated for 30 days. I don't miss it. Also I've joined men support group and they helped me deal with my anxiety problem. I feel so much self confident now and I'm blooming. It's like I'm having superpowers, this change feels so great! So my current problem is that I've found a girl. She is 32, has a small child, and has rather the same marriage problems with her ex (her ex had premature ejaculation problem). We clicked very quickly because I really like her and she really likes me. We dated only two times, while second time we have spent together a whole day and night and day after together but because her child was wit us we didn't had sex. But we cuddled and talked and really enjoyed each others company... Problem is that this weekend we will have time just for our self and have plan to go out and to go to my place later to have sex. She really wants me and I really find her attractive. But my anxiety problem is kicking in hard: my penis is limb due NoFap and I'm panicking. I really would like this to work because I like her but I know that that tough makes even harder for me to succeed. I really don't want to be a slut any more, I want to be a dominant male who fucks other women in the pussy with respect and enjoyment. I don't want to be a sissy faggot, I want to be a man! Please help me how to get rid of that dreadful feeling of imminent failure and to fuck her like she is meant to be fucked. Help!
I understand. If you can, please show me exact point what is respectful. I'm so lacking in experience that I really can't figurr out how it should be done Yes, i know how much it took for me to confess this. I really want to change, I really want to be happy and to grow as healthy human male. It was only a month ago that I've connected those dots and found the source of my problems. I read a lot of good books like No more mr. Nice guy, Path less taken and the war of art, and more... They have completely shown me what I wad doing wrong but they haven't offered clear solution... And I don't find all those things I did wrong, I found them wrong for me and for my other life choicesfor which I think will full fill me with life happiness and enjoyment
@GhostWriter said it quite well with the vocabulary. As a woman hearing or reading that kind of terminology does make it difficult. Vocabulary is highly important, it frames a perception of who is writing how they potentially view certain things. Please bare with me I’m trying to give constructive criticism but I’m incredibly tired so I apologize in advance. To elaborate further on what GW states outside of being disrespectful language towards women and can it paint a perception of how you view sex (true or not) fucking versus loving, intimate or passionate. The first things that comes to my mind is “Porn talk” rather than the reality of being with someone even if it’s a casual encounter. In short for me I know being spoken to or talked about in that way isnt a turn on. I like dirty talk now and again but I also know I’m not there as just a “pussy to be fucked”. GW has great advice, you have come to a good place and can achieve great things. I appreciate your openness in learning and striving to be the best person you can be.
I'm getting close to 60 days without PM. O three times with my wife and, due to NoFap, I have severe premature O (usually within 5 to 10 seconds). I had a very early start with sex, was in an environment where it was encouraged early, and I engaged in risky sexual activity to try to stay stimulated. As far as language toward women, I suggest doing your best to not see them purely in a sexual light. I struggle with not wanting to have relations with EVERY women I see. It is a full time job and, for me, has required that I had to almost look through woman to not acknowledge they are even there. I've worked to actual listen to women in professional settings focusing on their input and give critical feedback. This has created new wiring where I have the ability to interact with women and this in turn is allowing me to connect with women (and especially my wife) on another level.
No, haven't done any of such sort. Thanks for help, I'll check it out Thanks all for advice, but I think my problem is even deeper. I have a girl now, she's divorced like I am and she really likes me and I really like her but we bot agree there aren't any feeling of crush involved, just pure feeling "I love spending my time with you". So we talk a lot and we really enjoy each other company. And she is really turned on by me and I really like her and find her really attractive. But I can't get a hard on, I'm just not relaxed enough. And I told her with what problems I'm dealing with and she agrees that those problems are deeply rooted and that is something I have to work out and she is willing to give me a support. But then my anxiety kicks in like "what if I fail and she is so great and I really like her". And I know I have to get out of that tough but I don't know how. I tried to meditate but to get rid of those toughs I would have to meditate almost every second of my live and still I'm not sure that it would help? Also I've been digging deeper into my psyche and connected dots that I have constant panic attacks and compulsive behavior problems (two are definitely connected). You see, my life is all about making a best combo there is. So because in my childhood my parents and later my "friends" and even later on my first job, everybody just expected a brilliance and would severely punish in there would be a lack of it. And I would try and succeed to deliver very high results and still get a punishment (unsupportive parents and friends, corrupted state company I worked in). So my pattern of behavior is that I would always strive to deliver perfection (and I really do everything really great and with passion except sex) and that only perfection is good enough and if any of factors fail, I don't deserve a reward. Same is with sex: if I haven't slept well that night, or didn't make all of the house chores, or will have to make a lunch... if there's anything that could bother me, that will be an excuse why my penis won't be able to get hard... So my life have to be tidy and perfect and then and only then I deserve such great reward as sex... And if I fail in all of those tasks which are actually caused by compulsive behavior, a panic attack starts and I become paralyzed by thinking how I failed and how not to fail again and what to do in the future... One fellow workmate once told me that I have mind of a woman because I worry to much about everything. I think he was right, I really do feel everything emotionally so I also see sex as very emotional thing and in reality I don't see it as "i want to fuck that pussy", with a woman I see it as "I want to connect with her and feel her with my penis" and that really doesn't turn me on or make me hard... It's all in my head, I know, but I don't know how I can make it shut up Also, because I was heavy porn user, could it be that I have flat line and I just bumming myself and it will pas after certain period? I mean, a great factor is my current girl and that I really enjoy her and would be really sorry it we would brake up because of me not being able to get a hard on, that would destroy my self confidence a lot because it is problem cause solely by me
