Scapegoat for 90 Day Frustrations

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Nov 12, 2018.

  1. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Here I was thinking we had a very nice weekend during which we did several key things my husband wanted to do and had fun, were intermittently affectionate, good talks, no drama.

    But now he’s having a pity party for not being able to have release because of the 90 days goal which “has no scientific basis” he says. He was in agreement at first but now says it’s my fault. That I want him to stick to this arbitrary number. How dare he.

    And this is after I put behind me the fact that he now says his recovery does include the tools I asked of him to help restore trust. He’s so selfish. I don’t want to be a part of this tantrum pity party so now I’m on the couch.
     
    kropo82 and anewhope like this.
  2. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    You sound like me, 2 months ago.

    I found myself in a modern-day The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost; which path do I choose?

    Sending my best :)
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  3. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry, but I just have to laugh at this line of reasoning. First of all, there is a LOT of scientific basis. He just chooses to ignore it. Second, if we're going to go that route, then, "why don't you show me the scientific basis for you having to have a release?" If science is your argument, let's roll! I love to get into scientific arguments with people who don't know shit about science.
    Gaslighting. Isn't that one of your Boundary violations? Yeah, I think it is.
    Notwithstanding "90 Days" is plastered all over the place in here, it is a generally accepted milestone by, get this, the scientific community that are the foremost experts in sexual/pornography addiction. So he doesn't know what the hell he is talking about.

    I suspect he agreed initially because he thought he could manipulate his way out of it. After all, he was always able to do it in the past. Only now, it isn't working. So what's an addict to do? Act like a damn child and throw a temper tantrum.
    This is one of the boundaries I mention that I'm not sure if you put in your list. Apathy. He isn't making the effort to heal and restore your trust. He is changing the rules as he goes along like a petulant child would do when they don't like to abide by the rules of the game. You see a pattern here?
    YEP!
    Uh, NOPE! You take the bedroom and master bathroom. He can move his shit out to another bathroom and park his belligerent ass on the couch. I'm sorry, but his comfort does not supersede yours. If he wants to argue the point, go get an order of separation, and he can find another place to stay, or a cardboard box in the middle of the road, whichever he prefers. This is your house too. Do not allow him to bully you into submission.

    He is breaking every rule. You need to stop it in its tracks. What can we do to help?

    I'm really tough on this belligerent acts of defiance and behavior, and ya know why? At one time, that WAS me. And I know from experience, you need to set your foot down and put a stop to it. DO NOT waiver in your resolve!
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2018
  4. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    So what did you do and how did it turn out?
     
  5. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    Our dday was beginning of July. The 1st month was everything I ever wanted in a husband....& then he started seeing a CSAT that put the final nail in the coffin of our marriage.
    His CSAT had co-dependent tunnel vision & had him convinced I was just as much to blame for the problems in our marriage as him, which is absurd, to say the least. As soon as his therapist threw out the 'your wife has issues, too' line, he ran with it. She fed his excuses, he stopped journaling, he wouldn't get an AP or attend recovery meetings, & his manipulation/gaslighting/blame-shifting was starting to get worse than ever. He had no empathy or patience for his traumatized wife.
    Because of what I found on dday & the lack of effort/caring on his part, I made boundaries & stuck to them.
    I filed for divorce last week, along with a temporary restraining order. I had no other choice. My state doesn't recognize legal separation, which complicated things. He wouldn't leave the home for a period of time to allow me a safe environment to heal; he was an absolute asshole to be around. He for real told me, that the kids & I needed to find somewhere to stay if my environment wasn't safe to heal.
    Last week, as my children & I were forced to go stay at my dying mothers house, I decided enough was enough. If my husband could do all of these wretched things to me our entire marriage & not at least try to be a better human, I wasn't going to subject my kids to that kind of upbringing.
    If I didn't have kids or if my kids were older, I might have put up with it. However, they are toddlers; they need positive role models. Not a dad that treats mom like shit. Not a dad that ignores them because he's selfish. Certainly not a dad that runs away from problems.
    Ultimately, it came down to not wanting my kids to ever behave like him.

    It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I will never have closure. I couldn't even get a full disclosure out of him. I'm most likely all over the internet due to him & will forever be looking over my shoulder.

    I just keep going for the kids....
    It's only the beginning, but goddamn, is it tough. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
     
  6. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    Afterthought; he was stealing the precious time I have left with the only cheerleader in my life, my mom. I will not let anything, even my husbands addiction, come between the little time her & I have left together.
    My situation is rare, indeed.
     
  7. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    This, would genuinely cause you to hold resentment toward him for the rest of your life if you allowed it to. I'm so glad you were strong enough to take a stand and do what you had to do to protect yourself.
     
    cakeinacrisis and StartingOver like this.
  8. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    You're correct! I was already starting to resent it & recognized how detrimental this was going to be to my future healing....
    Thx ghost :)
     
    Jennica likes this.

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