You are completely right here DireMerl. Your husband has an addiction and no matter what you look like, he would have chosen the pixels. He chose to turn to the screen rather than a real woman. You do not need to change for him. If you want to diet and are doing it for yourself, then that is great. I also hope you are doing some other things for yourself. No partner escapes unscathed from the addiction. Myself, I have issues with my self worth and my sexual self esteem that I need to work on due to being passed up in favour of porn. Make sure you take care of yourself.
I agree. I've been struggling with this for year as we have always had a problem with infrequent sex and a problem with him not being able to O during sex or other stuff. I've always blamed myself. Thinking of I was thinner, prettier, more interesting, then he would want to be sexual with me. Its especially difficult because I feel like a failure for not being able to make him o. After learning more about the pmo and what kinds of things it can affect, I feel a bit more reassured that it's not my fault. Yes we both have issues to work on but I can't change the shape of my face, or the basic shape of my body. I'm still the person I was when we met. So I don't think it would be helpful for me to spend all my time and energy trying to look like a porn star just to please my husband. And like I said, he would probably continue with his addiction even if I did.
Day six. I'm keeping a happy count. I don't think My husband is. In not sure he even reads these posts. He's only made one entry on his journal. Anyway, I hope he does read these. I'm proud of how far he has come. We talk more. There is less tension in the house. He sings more. He's cooking again. He gives me cuddles and kisses without being asked. He looks me in the eye when we talk. It feels a bit more like it did when we met. I hope this will continue to improve. I'm walking the doggy while he watches the rugby. Its quite a challenge to type and walk. What a silly idea.
Ok so after a small blip last night today is shaping up to be a good day. Day seven. Yay. Last night as I was doing the nightly phone browser check, his history wasn't displaying like it normally does. Of course I went into instant panic mode thinking he had relapsed. Turns out it was switching over because it was midnight so it was switching from today to yesterday if that makes sense. Husband went off to bed and I tayed up to watch tv. I was worrying for a good hour. I think husband was worrying as well because he came downstairs unable to sleep. I realised I was being silly and apologised for not believing him. He understood why I was anxious and we had a nice cuddle to clear the air. He was then able to sleep and I was much happier. Which just proves that it is good to talk these things through instead of letting things fester. So today started really well. The husband decided he wanted to start learning to drive. His confidence is building so much. So I took him out to a quiet industrial estate to have a little go at trying it out. He did so well and I'm so happy he had the confidence to try something new. I think this is progress. Could this be what happy couples look like? Hope everyone is having a good Sunday xx
Not much to report today. Went to bed last night feeling happy and relaxed. I feel like I'm starting to relax more. For the last few months I've been finding myself feeling intensly jealous of my husband's attention. I would get anxious if he was what's apping, or commenting on facebook, or going out with friends. Not because I'm the crazy jealous type. But because I'd been feeling so closed off from him that anytime he was talking to other people, I would think "he never talks to me". I felt like he was sharing parts of himself with others and cutting me out emotionally. Reflecting about this Last night I realised that I'm starting to go back to how I was before this mess. I'm ok with my husband giving his attention to others. Because he's giving it to me too. We're closer than ever and so it doesn't matter so much anymore. I hope that these things continue to improve. Day 8 today hooray
I hope things continue to improve for you. I can only imagine how difficult it is to be on the other side of a PMO addiction. I know it absolutely ruined my sex life of my last relationship, but I was too blind to see it until it was already over. If this is going to work, both you and your husband have to want it and commit to it 100%. There are a lot of people who join the site expecting instant positive change, struggle out of the gate for a few weeks and then delete their accounts forever. Everyone always says "It's a roller coaster" and they're absolutely right. There have been days where I've been happier than a clam on ecstasy and days where I've wanted to scream and pull my hair out - it's an inevitable part of withdrawal. Remember that it's a marathon, not a sprint. Learn to accept failure, but don't embrace it. Always pick yourself up and keep moving forward, no matter how hard it gets. That's what it's going to take. I wish you both the best of luck with this journey.
Things going well. Some other things I've noticed on day 10! The husband doesn't sigh so often. He seems to be more relaxed and is able to just sit and enjoy chilling without fidgeting. He pays me compliments again. He's more thoughtful. He squeezes my bum. He's giving off a sort of confident air. He voulenteers information that before he would have not bothered to tell me. We're doing so well. I feel like we're falling in love again. It's really nice. Looking forward to day 11
Day eleven! I really should be sleeping as I've got an early start in the morning. I was super happy today because I had a nice day in work (even though I had a horrible headache this morning. I'm a jaw clencher/teeth grinder so I think I've been doing this the past few nights and it gives me headaches). I also had an offer for a job interview next week so I'm excited about that. Trying to work towards getting my life back on track. Diet is going well. I have abstained from buying chocolate for three weeks now. Although the cravings have been terrible the last few days. Husband is doing well. He's enrolled in a course to improve his career prospects so that's really exciting. I think it shows how things are changing for the better. I don't think he'd have done that a few weeks ago. We have gotten into a sort of ritual now where we stop the tv for a bit in the evening. Maybe for an hour, and we just talk about random stuff. Its really nice to just talk. Sometimes he looks at me and just smiles. I love that. Its like a little nod or a wink. Unspoken gesture of tenderness and togetherness. He's also being kinder to the dog. Which is a funny thing to notice. But I have noticed it. Don't get me wrong he's never mean, but he tends to get short tempered with our little ginge. Who is admitedly a very difficult creature to get on with. He gives him more positive attention now. I think the dog is happy about these changes too. Overtired now so must sleep. Night all.
Day 14! I honestly don't think it's been this long in years. We've had a fairly quiet weekend. Went out for lunch yesterday before the rugby and took the husband out for his second driving lesson today. He did amazingly well. He's becoming more confident in himself. I was very quiet yesterday because I've got a virus so I was feeling very rough. The husband actually noticed and asked me if there was anything wrong. Before he would have ignored my mood, probably in cases I was going to bring up an uncomfortable subject or pmo or something. I think he used to feel like he was in trouble so would avoid talking to me. It felt really nice that he noticed I was a bit down and wanted to make sure I was ok. I'm still doing the browser check and haven't seen anything on there that has made me doubt his honesty. And I feel that his behaviour speaks to his progress. In very proud of how far he's come. Happy Sunday.
This is great to hear. Things seem to be balancing to the way a relationship should be between husband and wife. I always think about how many modern things in our lives have collectively led to unhappiness and dysfunction in couples. I think a lot of it has to do with the manufactured stimulus that we have at our fingertips now - namely, porn and bad/too much food - and I think they both negatively amplify one another in a relationship. I also think a lack of physical activity is killing us and making us less happy. Once these things are fixed in a relationship, I strongly believe that the man will be healthier, more virile, flirty, fit, confident, and "masculine" and the woman will be more energetic, fit, sexual, and "feminine". Ying and yang to balance and feel attracted to one another. I am glad to hear that along with your husband working on his porn issues, you are working on your health. I don't know his overall health but I think he should as well. I would suggest some physical activity for both of you if you already don't have a fitness routine. I should add, to be completely honest and hopefully not too blunt, men really are wired to be much more visual than women (hence the mass appeal of porn to men), and men really can't control that. As much as people say that men shouldn't care about looks, well, unfortunately, they do (to an extent). Just as women can't control that they are often more attracted to confidence and charisma in men. I'm in no way trying to insinuate that you being out of shape is the reason why your husband is into porn, but getting healthier will help you to grow closer together, I can almost guarantee this. All the best.
Day 15. Yay. Things are going well. I still worry from time to time but that side of things is fading somewhat. I'm concentrating on the positives. I'm really enjoying reading other people's experiences on here and learning more and more. It amazes me that this issue isn't as well known as it should be. Especially being a supply teacher this is bright home to me nearly every day. I hear 11 and 12 year old boys talking about porn, and even looking at it on their phones during lessons. Its very sad to think that these young people will grow up with a very warped idea of relationships and sex. I'm a self confessed feminist and it has always bothered me that women are portrayed in such a derogetary way in the media. But it never occured to me that porn was such a big issue. How are we to ever achieve equality with such barriers?
I started this young and I was exposed without knowledge or understanding by a "friend". It creates a whole lot of problems, let me tell you! I cringe to think about it now. For some men I think it might create an attitude towards women. However, for me, I'd say it never really made me think of women in general as less equal. It did distort my view of intimacy and sex. That's just me though. Great story to follow! I'm happy to hear you and your husband are doing so well. Makes me want to be a better husband to my wife as well Thanks for sharing.
Really happy that you are doing well. It is great that you can focus on the positives. Take each day as it comes.
Aaaaaaaand back to square one. Found some porn on the pc from yesterday. I haven't told the husband that I've found it yet. I'm trying to figure out a way to talk about it without hitting him right now. What makes it so much worse is that we talked about his progress last night. He sat there, cool as anything, telling me how he's found it so much easier than he expected and he isn't having any urges. About how he doesn't need that crutch anymore because he's so much happier. I'm actually shaking as I write this. I feel like I want to cry. We haven't even had sex for weeks. He's been saying how he's not ready. I've tried to be very understanding but I feel my patience wearing thin. How can he prefer that to sex with me? How can he look me in the eye and lie to me like that? Again? I guess I'm going to have to bring it up with him now. Especially as he reads this from time to time. Send me hugs please guys. Xx
Excuse my language, but shit! You were going so well damn it. Slip ups happens, we are human and this is an addiction. I just hope he is upfront and honest with you about it, I really do. How he reacts to the conversation will be telling. Be strong.
