Recently had my world turned upside down

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by LMB5, May 18, 2019.

  1. LMB5

    LMB5 New Fapstronaut

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    hi there. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, we have 3 children. I’m an atheist and he’s a Mormon. So our whole relationship I’ve believed he is living the law of chastity (a Mormon belief that any sexual activity outside of marriage is a sin) they believe masturbation and porn is a sin, and even looking at a member of the opposite sex while married is frowned upon.

    On Wednesday I found him watching porn and masturbating. I’m in shock.

    He’s informed me that he’s been addicted since before we got together and for years when I’ve been upset at him refusing me sex it’s been because he’s been doing these 90 day things. I had absolutely no idea.

    I feel very betrayed. His religion has caused so much conflict in our relationship and now I discover he’s not even been properly following it anyway.

    And all this time I’ve felt so secure about how faithful and committed he is to our marriage because of the law of chastity he believes in so much. And now discover he’s had this secret all along and he’s been watching other people.

    How do partners cope and move forward?
     
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Arg...my heart breaks for you. I understand exactly how you feel. I was shattered and feel like my entire marriage has been a lie.
    How do you move forward...for me it was a series of small steps, shock, denial, anger, complete and total realization of how deep the betrayal went. At times I was overwhelmed with each of the above emotions and sometimes at the same time. It’s the motherlode of addictions.
    To the best of my knowledge the best thing you can do is learn as much as you can about porn addiction, get into a support group for yourself (like minded individuals who have experienced the same thing) and set firm boundaries that protect you. Get busy doing good things for you, massages, going out with friends, treating yourself to the good things in life that you enjoy.
    There are many spouses here who are experienced in what you are going through. Go easy on yourself and remember always that this situation has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your spouses addiction.
    Love and prayers coming your way...stay strong and focused on what you want and deserve out of life.
     
    Susannah, Trappist and LMB5 like this.
  3. LMB5

    LMB5 New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I’ve been blaming myself because I thought there must be a reason he doesn’t want sex, maybe it’s because I put weight on. We have 3 under 5 so I don’t have the time to care for myself the way I used to so thought he just didn’t fancy me or didn’t have a sex drive anymore. Now I know he did have a sex drive, just not for me. It’s so painful.
     
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hey LMB5... believe me you could be the most sexiest girl alive...willing, vivacious etc...and if he’s addicted to porn he still wouldn’t be able to be intimate with you. It’s an addiction of epic proportions. So many dynamics at play. AND, those dynamics are for him to figure out.
    It sucks being lied to and betrayed at the most intimate level...but HONESTLY this isn’t your fault. You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and only he can change it. This isn’t your fight.
    All you need to do is be the best Mommy out there, get busy taking taking care of your emotional and physical health and to be gentle with yourself. Set your boundaries and stick to them...you will be tested.
    This is most cunning and baffling addiction I’ve come across, so learn as much as you can about it. Knowledge is power. With power comes the ability to set firm and consistent boundaries that protect you and your children as well as stopping any enabling behaviour patterns.
    Be strong, honest and direct...you have many fellow victims of betrayal trauma who are with you...in heart and soul.
     
    Susannah, Butterfly1988, LMB5 and 3 others like this.
  5. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    You are in the right place.

    People of all faiths
    and atheists
    fall to P addiction.

    Honesty is hard going forward,
    But so impt.
    Hope he is continues in that direction.

    Wish you well
    As you go through this trial!
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2019
    kropo82, Butterfly1988 and Taketime like this.
  6. LMB5

    LMB5 New Fapstronaut

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    What are the enabling behaviour patterns?
     
  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Enabling is basically making excuses for inappropriate behaviour. Such as with the alcoholic , phoning in sick for him. Making excuses...daddy / mommy isn't feeling well . When in actual fact they are hung over.
    For the porn/sex addict it may possibly be doing something that goes against your morals or values. Accepting soft porn over hard core...accepting disrespectful behaviour or communication. Making excuses for the addict.
    People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If they treat you with complete and total disregard, lying, cheating, manipulating, scapegoating etc...and you accept that when your gut says “NO, it’s not right.” Then , You are enabling. Decide what your bottom line is, what is and isn’t negotiable...present it to him...and stick to your plan.
    As SO’s we desire an equal partnership, with honesty, trust, sharing and honest communication. The addict is incapable of that. He/She is use to living a life of secrets. If they are anything like my husband , their deception skills would warrant an academy award in Hollywood.
    By not enabling, setting your boundaries negotiable and nonnegotiable...you are protecting yourself and forcing the next step for your PA.
    BE GOOD TO YOU ABOVE ALL ELSE
     
    LMB5, Butterfly1988 and Taketime like this.
  8. LMB5

    LMB5 New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much. How do you cope with not feeling good enough? Like he watches the porn because you aren’t enough? That’s my main struggle right now.
     
    Lilla_My likes this.
  9. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Well it’s not about the porn. It’s about connection. He has a lot to work through. He drowns his pain in porn as an alcoholic drowns his sorrows by jumping in a bottle.
    Remember this: I am good enough, worthy enough, and deserve to be loved, valued and appreciated. If he can’t see that , through the clouded lens of his addiction it’s his problem.

    I’m seriously done trying to help and support him, only to be turned into his scapegoat.
    I do wrestle with low self worth and esteem at times but those are my issues to work through. I just believe that all us women (spouses of addicts) are the most sensitive , kind people in the world. I read all the stories here and my golly, if we were all to meet we’d be an army to reckon with. We are so incredibly emotionally strong.

    Don’t you dare let his behaviour take anything away from you. You are more powerful than you know. Besides that you are desirable and intelligent, you are reaching out for guidance and support and that is truly the essence of a strong and powerful person.

    Believe in yourself , you got this...
     
    Thatwife, LMB5, Butterfly1988 and 2 others like this.
  10. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    If the women in porn were enough for him, he wouldn’t be flipping from one clip to another to another. Even the women in porn aren’t enough for our PAs. It’s not you, it’s not the other women. It’s 100% them.
     
    Thatwife, LMB5, hope4healing and 4 others like this.

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