Questions for SOs

My last husband was a PA and I was very forward and I asked on our second or third date to my now-husband about his views on porn.
He lied, of course and here I am now.
I honestly didn't want to go through it again... But at least this time I'm not with an alcoholic drug-abusing asshole.
My SO this time is rebooting, and is trying for our family.
I do think every guy out there these days has a porn past so it's pretty difficult to find a guy with less of one than another.
The only real way out is to find a guy already rebooting but if you go to the dating in reboot forum, guys aren't proud and don't want to admit it?? For some odd reason... Which is dumb... But i digress.
Yes, though I do think people should be more upfront about it, like a bad ex girlfriend or boyfriend when entering a new relationship... To answer your original question.

 

A the moment I think I would say yes to all of your questions! Whilst I’m still in a relationship with a reboot-failing SO and can’t see much beyond it, I know I couldn’t handle going through this again. Plus I think experiencing this first-hand has greatly changed how I feel about men. I honestly can’t look at anyone now in the same way :-(
I would have to make no porn a condition prior to any new relationship but actually not sure I would bother trying (I’m in my 50s and worry it’s harder for post-menopausal women to repartner).
On the other hand- I’ve a friend who’s been thru it all, is in her 60s and is out the other side - she’s less cynical/ more positive and is trying for another relationship after decades of a difficult/unpleasant relationship - I think her experience and reactions are so different to mine. Maybe we are all unique in our experiences and how we respond?

 

Sorry-just thinking and want to add a question- is this all due to betrayal trauma/ PTSD? and so maybe it can be overcome?

 

I'm a wife, still with my PA husband, who is working very hard and making great progress right now. If this marriage ends, I would not be discouraged from trying again with other men.

Disclaimer: I've been with my husband since I was 18, nearly 20 years, so I admit that I may be very naive about the dating landscape. Maybe it's much more bleak than I would like to believe.

I don't think I'd try to weed out the porn viewers specifically. Like others have said, how would you know if they're being honest? Instead, I would focus on not falling for men who don't want to genuinely connect.

I've been reading up on attachment theory. I tend to have an Anxious style (with a goal of moving towards Secure style, I'm working on it in therapy), and so I should stay far away from men with an Avoidant attachment style.

I believe that PAs all become Avoidant eventually, even if they didn't start out that way. So if a guy acts Avoidant, he may or may not have an addiction, but he isn't likely to be an emotionally satisfying partner for me, period.

In short, I'd focus on how he treats me and his ability to be intimately involved with me. This is actually how I'm trying to approach my current recovering relationship now, as well.

 

I'm still with my PA bf. I was 18 when we started dating, he is my first and only serious relationship. He told me/showed me his p stash which at the time was a small draw of magazines. I had no idea about PA or that he was one. Early on I told him I wasn't ok with p in our relationship and he said no problem, it was out. But it was a lie.

Have your experiences changed your overall opinion of men?
Yes, I already have fairly bad social and general anxiety and this has hit me very hard. I trust no one. I sometimes think very bad things about men or see them all as PA and liars.

Would you ask a man upfront about his porn use when you start a new relationship?
I would ask but it wouldn't make a difference. My bf told me he used it, made no difference because he lied and did whatever he wanted anyway.

Would you tell them your honest opinion how you feel about porn?
Depends, but probably. But only after hearing their answers, I wouldn't want them to change their responses based on what they *think* I want to hear.

Would your experiences keep you from entering into a committed relationship in the future?
I think so. If my bf and I do break up I have no intention of dating ever again. I don't want to go through is pain and doubt ever again. I have no trust in anyone and feel that they would all lie. I may have a causal relationship here and there, but I don't think I would be able to trust anyone again. That said this is how I feel now, even though I am sure I would always have some doubts I may very well get involved with someone again if this doesn't work out. But that is no my intention now.

 

I will never have another committed or serious relationship. I could never imagine anything being as good as the good I have had with my husband who is my best friend.

I also could never allow myself to be vulnerable to experience this betrayal again. This pain.

Never.

 

I am an SO married 21 years next month together 22. We are not separated but I seriously thought about divorce for a good while after DDay. (He has no idea about this.) We are working towards reconciliation now.

But I can say with full confidence that if for any reason I found myself single (death, divorce), I will never, ever get married again. I will never again trust someone to be who they say they are. We got married during a time when it was easy to trust, before technology took over. We had an amazing dating relationship, what I thought was a wonderful marriage. And it was in so many ways, but he brought his addiction with him and was hiding it from the start. When I found out 19 years later, it makes me question everything. And technology makes it that much easier to access, easier to hide, harder to get away from.

The pain and grief I have gone through I am not willing to go through again. I am not willing to work this hard for another relationship. I love this man and I think he is worth working for, but it ends with him. I'm not willing to start over.

I would probably date casually. It would be tricky to ask about porn because you dont ask about it on the first date and most men would lie if they are involved in it anyway. Although I do know a few who are loud and proud. But either way, any inkling of porn use and I'm outta there. I have zero tolerance. If that means I'm alone the rest of my life, so be it. I'm very independent, an introvert (believe it or not), have an amazing job that keeps me very happy, and I already have my kids. One is grown, another is nearly there. I'm sure I'll be a grandma in the next 10 years. I'm in a different phase of my life and there are so many other things to keep my life fulfilled. I refuse to put up with any more bullshit and I will not go through this again.

So there's my two cents.

 

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...band-again-if-you-could-do-it-all-over.96161/

This thread reminded me of this other thread.
Might be worth a read.
Have a good day!

 

If I was to end my marriage I can highly say I would NEVER get serious with any guy again. I wouldn't want to be with another lying porn addict. I just can't and wouldn't do it. I love my husband and we have a kid together. So if I started dating becayse we some how divorced I would have nothing to lose by dumping them if they lied. Hell, maybe it would teach them a lesson to be honest. And yes I would vet the person I chose to date, and I mean in depth vetting as in no stone unturned. I had severe trust issues prior to my husband and made that clear to my husband 100% prior to our relationship along with porn being a big NO. So.... my sense of trust in the world and in men is gone. I don't trust anyone these days... and I just don't know how to ever begin to try trusting others again...

 

Exactly