Question for men 35+

As someone the same age as your husband, I can tell you my drive is not the same as when I was 17 or 27. It can ebb and flow based on kids, work, weather, etc.

As someone who is about 11 months free of porn and masturbation, I can also say quitting porn is not some magic act that I feel like changes my libido or personality or anything. (therapy and lots of conversations with my wife and other work has made bigger differences)
He may simply have a lower libido than you. Or maybe there are other medical problems. Or maybe he's in the "flatline" people talk about.
I'd say ask him if he's doing it for you - and make sure he knows that you're asking from a place of concern and empathy, not from a place of resentment or anger. Maybe give it time and then get bloodwork done. Maybe talk to a sex therapist.

 

It depends on what you mean by "drop". If he went from wanting to bump uglies every day to never at all in a year - that's an issue. If he went from wanting it twice a week to once every other week, that seems like normal mid-life stress induced stuff.

 

I know when we had our kids a few things happened

1) my anxiety and stress went way up and i used porn more to escape/numb myself
2) the opportunities where libidos matched up went way down - crying is THE erection killer
3) libido in general waned more - as did my wife's - stress is unhelpful for that

Since quitting PM I can say these things have happened

1) our sex life didn't become amazing again - but it did become more consistent.
2) we talk a lot more in general - and WAY more about emotions/our marriage
3) I'm way more handsy in general - sometimes to my own detriment
4) I'm more present/on phone less - which is good in general for emotional connection

 

My advice is to not focus on metrics right now. Focus on your marriage overall.

 

a lot of other factors - weight, blood circulation, testosterone, etc.
also psychological state is a factor - anxiety or depression.
how is his mood otherwise?

I know as we age that male sex drive decreases but in my experience (i am over 50) when 'hooked on pmo' I was , well more sexually aroused than a teenager, during deep periods of abstinence I was what we call 'flatlined' - flatlined might just be normal -we could just live in a very over sexed society - I am saying based on my own experiences and observations of stone age cultures were, for example masturbation is literally unknown:
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ybo...tion-articles/weird-masturbation-habits-2011/
However, as the Hewletts document in their 2010 study, Western sexual patterns, including our frequent masturbation, are unusual by cross-cultural standards. The Hewletts arrived at this conclusion in part by studying the sexual behavior of two central African cultures. They were astonished to learn that neither the Aka nor the Ngandu were aware of masturbation:

They laughed as we tried to explain and describe the sexual activities. We thought that maybe they were shy or embarrassed individuals, but this would have been uncharacteristic of the Aka we had known so long. …

It was difficult to explain self-stimulation to the Aka. They found it unusual and said it may happen far away in Congo, but they did not know it. A specific word did not exist for it. We asked men, in particular, about masturbating before they were married or during the post-partum sex taboo and all indicated this did not occur. … [emphasis added]

Masturbation also appears to be rare in other forest areas. We asked Robert Bailey … about his experiences of trying to collect semen for fertility studies from Lese men in the Ituri forest of the Democratic Republic of Congo. He indicated it was very difficult to explain to men how to selfstimulate to obtain semen samples. He said that despite explicit and lengthy instructions three of four semen specimens came to him mixed with vaginal secretions. pp. 113-114

 

Libido get weaker with time for man. Porn makes it worse. Also couples that are together for several years is normal that they are less attracted to each other. Human beens love novelty, having sex with the same person over and over gets boring, it have no novelty at all, you know each other too much. For woman is something more emotional, for man is more physicall.
You can try to spice things up but is hard to keep the flame alive like it was in the beginning of the relationship and when you were in your 20's.

Also is important that you keep yourself in shape and desirable in your partner eyes. There are plenty of people that let themselves go and that's another libido killer for your partner.

 

Don't wrestle with how much sex you are having. When it happens it happens. It is a waste of energy to worry about when you will have sex or not. Work on seeing (fully experiencing) your SO for who they are right at that moment. Don't see him through the lens of the past. Erase all of that and perceive with all your senses that person in front of you. No amount of past reflection is going to get you to understand him completely, because we all change everyday.

Just breathe and fully attend to the day. And of course, eat healthy, that makes it easier.

P.S. I am 34, so I am not in the age range you are questioning, sorry.

 

There are non-obstrusive ways to deal with states of depression -diet, exercise, fish oil, long walks, journaling, and of course spiritual comfort. but yeah depression, physical health like circulation are going to affect libido, and paradoxically anxiety about it can make it worse.. which is why it often goes in spiraling loops.

 

In the early days it is truly difficult to explain the complexities of what is happening in the brain and in the experience of the addict in recovery. I look at it this way: someone (the addict) has been knocked unconscious and all of a sudden wakes up in a whole new place, a new world. He doesn't know anyone, he can't speak the language of the people around him. There is some hostility. He won't know how to navigate the place, any misdirection and he can get lost. This person is scared, anxious, fearful, depressed, sad, everything is rushing through his body as he tries to survive. He wants to get back to where he came from, he wants that so bad, because that is what he is used to, that is what his brain is used. But, he can't, it is not possible. Now, he is forced to learn the new ways of this new world. He can't just slip comfortably back into the old world. He has to learn a new language, he has to learn how to utilize new tools and learn how to live a different way. So it is a struggle in the beginning.

I like to make a distinction between the brain-body and the life within that brain-body. The brain-body is the person that woke up to a different world. The life is still there, vibrating at some level. But, the brain is in turmoil, utter turmoil. The connections with everything outside of P are weak. That neural connection to P is very strong, the connection has tied itself to almost everything he has come into contact with. It is tied to excuses, culture, freedom, pleasure, free-time, enjoyment, you name it. So, when that gets cut off it is going to be hard for awhile. There is a battle happening in the mind all the time. It is so easy for the mind to travel to different places, sexual fantasies, the pathways are light up like edges between stars on a clear night in the countryside. It is hard to ignore them. Everything else is foggy, very foggy. Anxiousness, fear, worry, depression make it even easier to follow those old "P-paths" in the brain. The "feel-good connections" with your family are weak and they need to be cultivated. This is how I view my experience and my struggle.

What to do to get through it? Well, I believe that depends on your character and the character of your SO. That requires some very specific attention and unpacking of tendencies, etc. This could get all very complicated, and it makes sense yet doesn't at the same time. This I why I suggest to be fully attentive to who you are now, when one gains that full attention things will start to unravel themselves, patterns will emerge, and understanding will come to the surface.

I hope that helps with your understanding, and I wish you both well in this lifelong journey of recovery.