Please help me understand this behaviors. I need help guys.

Hello guys

This is my Day 2 of No P M . My girlfriend lives with me so I O for now until I’m able to master and build my muscles with without touching my D. With time I’m sure I’ll be able to have S with my gf without reaching O. Sensation and all that.

I started watching porn since I was 12. I even same my first fluid through M. I did 90 days was finally free but I went back in. And not I’m started over again which I know I will enjoy soon.

The problem I don’t want it seeking it and chasing and always thinking about O. I know it’s fun been with my GF but I have a purpose to chase. You know what I mean. I want to behave myself and be able to still do my work without seeking to O with my Gf day and night. I know about the whole tantric exercise planks and all. That’s not the problem here. I just want to use my energy to accomplish my goals then I can rewards O without P and M



I don’t want to objectify my gf. I just want to be able to see her, be calm, not have anxiety performance. And also not think about the next time I’m going to have her A.


I want to be fun, laugh and enjoy the great time she’s spending with me. It’s fun been with my new gf. She’s always smiling. Such a bright and happy girl. Her light reflects. I don’t want to be a jerk cos I feel like I should watch P, M any O alone or with her after watching P.

I’ve done 90 days before No PM. I felt great about myself and had confidence and I changed. I became neat. I mean I change from a regular corner boy to like 50 cent business mindset kind of ganstar (Just saying) . I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to backslide. I don’t want to see myself like I'm failing in where I’m suppose to be killing it.

I’m back again guys.

This behaviors are making costing me my peace.

Sometimes when it’s time for me to work, I just get bored with it and want to sleep. I mean actual sleep. This is my life work I’m talking about. When I'm suppose to be doing deep work and fighting for my survival. I will want to sleep instead of doing that.

I want to be back in the driver's seat. I want to take back control of my life and chase my purpose day and night.

 

This is my day 3 and I feel like I anything I do with my phone so be about creativity and not mindless scrolling. And also I have be trying to get to O with my GF. I’ve been chasing day and night, except this noon (thinking about it without acting). I’m getting through day 3 with little stress. Just need to focus on my work so I can take control back of my life.

 

Few hours into day 4 in did make L with my GF then later I found myself scrolling mindlessly online soon as I noticed I blocked my social media apps with my app blocker. Social media makes me to seek porn after much scrolling and seeing girls with good bodies. Those sure are one of my many triggers. I really don’t know how to remain calm when all this is happening and still have confidence and not feel like I just missed out so I can go in with my purpose and the relationship I’m keeping with myself and my loved ones.



I think I’m always trying to look for triggers that will make me O again and again since that’s the only thing I can think of first thing in the morning and everyday of my life.

 

It’s Day 5 today, I woke up feeling like I had to jog a few miles so I did. I also did laundry. Social media keeps calling me like it’s a normal thing for me today knowing fully well the kind of infos I get from it and the triggers it sets. I think I don’t have to go on social media for now so I don’t scroll until my brain finds P.


I have to focus on how to make more money with my time spent on my phone and not seeking 4K pics of girls.



It’s Day 5 for me. Taking it gradually. Hope I get through without going on ig X FB and many more.


Where I need help now is getting full focus on my work day and night and getting the job done without been bored during work hours and feel like sleeping during my work hours.

 

Day 7. I went on another jog this morning. Felt great. I’m still trying to understand my triggers so I can know them and run far away from them.

 

I want to be free from PMO forever. I want to see sexual thoughts and smile at them. I don’t want to feel like I should have sex or do anything to make sure I PMO.


Still trying to know how to stop allowing myself to be exposed to triggers so I can recognize them when they come my way and walk away from them without feeling like I’m missing out or just one peak won’t be bad.


That way I can know the best way to approach them. E.g. the thoughts of texting girls to feel that adrenaline rush and chasing O or scrolling mindlessly on social media viewing stories and statuses.


I have a purpose in life….


God. I have a destiny and I’m sure thinking about girls and sex every day isn’t my destiny.


I want to daydream about my goals. I don’t want to be able to sleep at night because of my goals. P M O isn’t one of them.

 

Day 9

I was able to do another 20 mins running and 3 more exercises.

I want to become a better man. I want to be the man of my age, the man I look like physical. I want to take back control.

Tbh guys I still can’t list out the whole reason why I’m doing this but I will keep staying PMO free until I figure my triggers and take back control of my day to day activities and the way I communicate with others.

I will keep working on myself. Everyday. I don’t even want to forget for a single day that I’m working on take back control of my life for the rest of my life.

 

So uhm today my gf and I were discussing and she wanted to see want A plug was and pics and vids of it. I went online and showed.

first I’d like to know if that’s considered relapse

secondly, I think it might affect how I think and see life and women right?

 

Day 14. I’m still in it. No P No M the only O is with my gf and I don’t chase it or hope we have S sooner. I’m calm enough to understand that it might not happen the next 3 days.

The only thing now is I feel distracted. I can’t even get work done for 6 hours and my work requires me sitting and deep focus.

it’s like I can’t complete a simple work tasks and my work goals for the whole day. I will procrastinate and sleep during work hours. This is really not good for me. It’s like I don’t even energy to do life work as if I’m lazy when I know I’m not.

Please I need to break this cycle??

 

Today. I know the reason why I’m doing this. My goal is to buy my mother a house. Sometimes I forget about it, one time I even forgot for years. Took me long again to remember I have always wanted that for her since I was a boy. I don’t know what happened to all those years that I have to forget what I hungered for. I was PMO sometime I watch P almost all day. Diffrnt genre.


This is my day 15 No P M, just O with my gf and it’s only when she leads on shows me she wants me to lead and if she no, I’m %100 good and won’t seek it any other way, chat girls, start looking at good looking girls, no I don’t do all that. I will be fine with her decision, still laugh and play about it before resting and im good.


Today something amazing happened. It’s like I want to wake up. Or should I say I’m AWAKE. Today I woke up hungry to buy my mother a house. And this is what I want. I want to be hungry for it when I wake up, during the day and when I’m in bed about to sleep with smiles. I want to take back control of my life so I can focus on buying my mother a house. I’m also working so hard on scrolling mindlessly for hours on social media. I think it’s affecting my day somehow. I want to be able to use those energy and time in reaching my goals.

Lately I don’t feel like O anymore like I used to be ready and night. This is want I want now for myself.

 

Still in this. Day 19. No P no M just O wen I’m in the mood with my gf and I don’t chase it like think about it until I O.

 

Day 24

No more torture or feeling like I need to watch p the next minute.

I feel free. Still working on how stop thinking about unnecessary things.

 

Day 31

so some days ago, I find myself unlocked my app blocked and scrolling on twitter, then I see naked girls sometimes I even scroll until I see P. I’m scared of falling back. I want to be firm about it and be in control of the way I think towards about it and not be scared of failing of falling into the trap.

I noticed after scrolling though those images of Onlyfan girls and vids, I start looking at girls and start seeking how I can waste my seed and start seeing my gf for only her body. This is crazy.
I don’t want to be that person. I want to be confident in my body and also in my thoughts. God help me.

still haven’t relapsed yet. No M. But those images and videos makes my want to M or just O by any means necessary.

I don’t want this to affect my daily activities, focus or energy

Where do I go from here ??

 

Is it possible I have anxiety? Like disorder or something?? how do I know??? And also how do I get better and enjoy my life.