Part journal, total honesty

11 weeks since DDay. A partial disclosure which only just covered the bits I already knew but nothing else. Then of course, the rest of it comes out, each one worse than before. Each one backed with an excuse or minimisation.
I'm so depressed. The man I fell in love with, the one I bragged about to everyone, how well he was treating me, romantic, caring, someone I was vulnerable with. Okay, he'd always had ED but that was because of blah, blah, blah
Fucking wrecked. All in one go, 11 weeks ago. But even that's not the end. 11 weeks ago (when it was just the porn) looks like a daisy chain in retrospect. Then it got real, lying and lying "I swear there's nothing else..", "Oops - didn't think that mattered".
He sat ogling in front of me the other night. Not his fault a sex scene came on in the middle of some Hollywood horse shit he's into. But a sex scene it was. Well. Not really a sex scene, more a close up of a curvy woman naked tits/arse but no penis. That kind of Hollywood horse shit. And for the first time I can actually remember, I felt cold, dirty, jealous, hatred and good old fashioned depressed. He didn't turn it off cos he didn't see anything wrong with it. That's the amount of empathy he has. Knowing how low I feel about my body. Or rather how I've come to feel over the 3 years in knowing him.
Problem is, I don't want to have this parent-child shit in a relationship. I want to be able to watch any naked woman on a film without policing my man's view of it. I want another adult to be with. One that prefers me to porn. One that prefers me to masturbating.
I can say I've tried in this relationship and tolerated ten times more than he admitted he would. 3 years of no sex, in my 30s when I should be fucking and I didn't mind when I thought he was the victim. That's the stupid shit we do for love. Willing to go without sex/penetration for the rest of my fucking life because I love you more than I love cock. 3 years you took from me and then broke my fucking heart.
I've given it a couple of months and I don't feel any better. In fact, that staggered disclosure and his complete lack of empathy has made it just a bit more complicated. But equally as painful.
I've booked a week off work at the end of April. Until then, I've got some properties to view and I have to think of how I'm going to tell my sweet daughter who thinks so highly of him. Who I taught was a "good" boyfriend. WTF do I say to her?
In January, I did think that he was serious about recovery (and not just the no PMO but actual recovery) and now I see that he's just waiting for us to leave so he can return full blown PMO and spunk his little heart out at the expense of his future wife & family.

Thank you SOs, that's been rather therapeutic X

 

I've decided to change my daily routine a bit. For the past 2-3 months, I've spent hours on a daily basis, to learn about his addiction and recovery, and getting support from reading the SOs stories. We've talked about how and when I'm moving out and how we're going to tell my daughter (who still thinks there's a wedding coming up).
He admitted tonight that he's put the minimum amount of effort into his recovery. He thought that abstaining from PMO was enough and because he's said "sorry" and won't do it again and now can we move on...?
But porn wasn't just the problem, it got worse. The shit I found is his bedside cabinet, wanking in the bathroom while his family were in the house, wanking at work, using a prostitute as an "experiment" - because of course, women can be bought. I would never have been with a man that thinks it's okay to buy sex, to "test" his PIED. That's not a man I consider to be "decent" or "clean" - not if he's willing to buy a real fucking hole - to hell with her name or her story. He then had the nerve to call her fat. How it didn't count because, when it came down to it, he couldn't perform with her either. But the intent was there. The saddest thing is that his shame only comes from embarrassment at being found out. Deep down, he still believes it's harmless and, inevitable due to his gender.
He told me tonight his porn use got much heavier after his wife had their first daughter. And for the first time in 3 years, I felt sorry for her. He's had two long term relationships and PMOd all the way through both. He doesn't know how to have regular sex with one woman.
I'm digressing.
From tomorrow, I focus on work, raising my child and finding us a home. I've booked 2 viewings over the next fortnight but will look for new properties everyday. I can make a start packing beforehand anyway.
Because I gave away my furniture when my daughter and I moved in with him, I need to buy more when I move. I was thinking that I would buy a single bed for myself, rather than a double. I want it to be symbolic that my first job is as a mother. She takes GCSE exams in 2 years and my concentration will go there (and, to an extent, my career). That's not to say I'm going to live like a nun. But none of this is her fault and I'm about to uproot her for the 2nd time in less than a year.
Part of me still loves him very much. Evidently, I was willing to sacrifice sex for the rest of my life before I found out that the ED was from overdosing to porn, not previous stresses. I wanted to look after him and part of me still does. I start to feel hope and then I remember the things I cannot change:

• I'm not enough for him & never have been. He had it on a plate for 3 years. But I was his 3rd choice. His first and second choices were porn & masturbation. This means, if you count the thousands of women in porn as one, I was his third choice. He even masturbated in secret so he didn't have to touch me on the night-time.
• He took my opportunity for a sex life for 3 years and was happy to sex starve me forever. I am an adult woman and I have a sex drive. I masturbate, orgasm, fantasize, have fetishes & types of men I am attracted to. I'm even allowed to vote. How dare he put someone in a prison like that willingly?
• By disrespecting me, he disrespected my daughter who has grown to love him. Now I have to tell her that he did something stupid and it's not her fault, and no - there won't be a wedding now. Pack your things, sweetheart. Mam fucked up.

I'm so very tired now. Will update tomorrow but I'm deciding now to only spend 1 hour on my relationship, it has exhausted the last 11 weeks of spare time/energy. X

 

Bad day emotionally. But that's to be expected until I move out and start my healing/recovery. My obsession with alcohol has started to creep back in now I'm vulnerable again. Therefore, as shattered as I am, I'm dragging myself to an AA meeting in an hour to help me stay sober until midnight. Tomorrow's a new battle entirely.

Got 3 viewings booked already, a flat near the seafront tomorrow, and two houses on Tuesday. All vacant, affordable and 2-bedrooms. I'm checking daily for new properties because I'm wanting to leave this place. It's his house (that already had history) but when I moved in last year, I called it Home. Now I feel like I'm in a house share or temporary accommodation and just fell on bad luck. That I'm between properties at the moment and in a month's time, when I've sorted myself and my child out a Home, none of this shit's going to matter. But for now, I feel insecure and I'm not used to that. Before I met him, I'd lived 10 years raising my daughter and providing a home for us independent of a man. I went to work, the rent got paid, she got good grades at school and we were a happy little twosome. Just us and the cats.

I haven't fully accepted this yet. Because I'm not content with the present, I'm distraught. The decision to leave has come from the fear that it'll be a battle for the whole of our marriage. A marriage whereby I'm his 3rd wife. His first two wives were damaged, naked women and his hand.

I was looking up heartache last night and how to get through it quicker. All the advice came back the same and it's the answer I fear the most, the one I drank on. Heartache lessens after you've processed the pain, however long that takes.

Now let's see if I can stay sober til midnight...X

 

Part 2:

He tried to talk to me earlier. He wanted to tell me what he'd been learning about (he's suddenly interested in the SOs impact and her trauma & healing). I just smiled wearily and said, "Good. It should help you with your next girlfriend." Since making the decision, or the final decision, I have asked him calmly, almost begged him not to do this when he meets someone new. To tell them straight away that he's had "a difficult time for several years with SA/PA. And that it lead to PIED with all the women I've bedded. Or tried to. However, I have X many months clean of PMO behind me now and have put massive effort into my recovery, on a daily basis. My whole outlook on relationships, sex and women has changed and I feel ready for a monogamous relationship." And to do this before sex or any kind of real intimacy. Because if he lies to the next one, shows up with his dick in one hand & v i a g r a in the other, she'll wonder why.

When I began this journey over the past 2-3 months, I was so hopeful he'd do a crash course in betrayal trauma and take me to Relate therapy. But he didn't. He thought PMO abstinence was enough. He thought after a couple of good days together, it was fine. I had to explain again, and again, that most sexually active couples (30 something) have a full, regular sex life, many as several times a week. He took that part of his own sex drive and gave none to me. They were for his bathroom breaks with his hands, phone & a door lock to keep kids out.

Getting tired now. Off to bed soon but might be back on if I don't sleep. X

 

God grant me light on this the darkest of roads.

The viewing went well. However, I won't know for definite if my application has been accepted until Tuesday. It's perfect, basic 2-bed flat, big kitchen, big bathroom & living area. Needs a real clean up but it's affordable, empty, 10 mins walk to the sea, bus stop direct for daughters school, a real bargain. I don't mind doing a bit of cleaning for that. But because the odds are 50/50, I haven't cancelled the other 3 viewings, I've booked next week. Just in case.

I'm now going to concentrate on my emotional wellbeing for a couple for hours and I need to stay sober today. Off to AA meeting.

Love n razor blades X