Optimistically hopeless? Hopelessly optimistic?

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Numb, Sep 26, 2018.

  1. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    347
    806
    93
    I read a little of my journal, I know I said that there would be no more DDays or I was out. And yet I'm still here. Giving another chance. I'm not one for absolutes. We've had a perfect storm of shit circumstances and I don't feel like all is lost even if we lost a lot of ground recently. I'm unsure if we will work, I'm unsure if he will face the things he needs to for himself and for me. I have a bad migraine right now so this is going to be kept short but I really want to start to get back into writing here. Not just his recovery work or lack of it. But for me too.
     
    hope4healing and Trappist like this.
  2. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    347
    806
    93
    I think of things I want to write down, then when I go to do it my mind goes blank. I need something in my brain to record my thoughts.

    The other day while talking my bf said if I knew all he did to me I would leave him. He has yet to do any kind of disclosure despite promising. He said that in one of his moments when he is different. It is like a switch is flicked, one moment we are talking, he is calm and empathetic then he kind of shuts down. He gets this look, nasty and almost blank. He becomes very cold and cruel. At these times he is almost mocking saying things like how long will this take? It will never get better, he is an asshole. Is there a rule book to follow, what will knowing do to help. He is not normally like this. Sometimes I can pull him out of this, but I think I need to just walk away when he gets this way. Either way it is painful and I hate seeing him in that place.

    I just want to tackle this head on and get it done, and he just wants to forget it. We need to meet somewhere in the middle.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    318
    440
    63
    It’s the addiction...their Jekyl and Hyde persona . They are like shape shifters. They change in a moment. It’s crazymaking, and frustrating. You need to do what’s right for you. If walking away works than do it. If leaving the relationship works than do it, sometimes that pushes them into recovery. Decide what you need to feel safe and secure, set up the boundaries and stick to them. Do not ever compromise your values or morals or settle for anything less than what you want, desire and deserve.
    Good luck with this incredible journey...
     
    Numb likes this.
  4. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    347
    806
    93
    I woke up at 3am, my calf cramping horribly, intense pain. I've had cramps, I've had a lot of them in the past but nothing like this. My bf woke up and rubbed it for me, that helped. But it is still pretty bad now. Not cramping but I can't walk well, any pressure sends a tightness and pain.

    Part of his mood shifts are because of his depression and his PTSD, he had gotten so much better with it but still has a lot of work to do. Currently walking away is not the right thing, or that is how I feel right now. It is out there though and for the first time it is something I am weighing. I know that staying with him and seeing him work through his depression, anxiety and PTSD will be hard. Harder maybe than leaving would be.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  5. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    318
    440
    63
    I understand what your saying. Kinda like being between a rock and a hard place. Seriously, you don’t have to make a decision today or even tomorrow for that matter. Just be good to you. It’s not selfish to put yourself first and let him deal with his own issues on his own. This is your life too. Be good to you always.
     
    Numb likes this.
  6. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    347
    806
    93
    This is something I've been thinking of for a long time. It has nothing to do with him or his PA and is something I never really thought on most of my life. I don't know where this is going or what it has to do with anything. I've never really verbalized these thoughts either. But I think it is something that has shaped me even though I never realized it. I guess you'd call me an introvert, I have one friend who has been my friend all my life. She is 4 days younger than me and our mothers met while they were pregnant. She is more family than some of my actual family. But this isn't about that. I grew up with my alcoholic mother(who still drinks), alcoholic aunt(who had a liver transplant and still drinks some) and grandmother who I see as more than a mother than I mom is. My grandmother passed some years ago. There was more family there, another aunt, uncles and a lot of cousins. My younger sister(half sister really) too.
    There are very few males in my family and I didn't learn who my father was until I was ten or so. I never really thought about it, it was just the way it was. Still I don't think of having a father. I think I have no father, but not in a bitter type way, it is just what it is. My bf is more angry at my father having no part in my life than I am. Around age 15 or so I did try. I spend a little time with him, I had already known him. He was a family friend. But that faded, I don't think he disliked me? But I see some of my personality in him. I don't think he knew how to reach out and neither did I so after a month or so no contact was made. But he was the adult, he should have tried. Not left it up to a teenager. He faded away and life went on.
    I am afraid of people, I have anxiety and the worst of it is around people. To put it bluntly people scare me. I've had friends here and there, but in the end they all(my my one friend who is family) faded away. Instead of people I have surrounded myself with animals. Nature and animals are my peace and passion. And I hate that his PA is taking that away from me now. I will not bring any new animals into our lives until we are more stable, if that happens.
    I don't trust people, I have little reason to do so. My mother picked booze and drugs, my grandmother did the best she could but she had her own issues. She always wanted her family to be around her and I think depend on her. My aunt was there if she was needed, but she dumped her first born onto my grandmother to party and jump from guy to guy. She always said 'you don't need a man' and I think lived by that. She takes care of herself. Even if she does make crappy choices, she will be there if you need her. My father? Who knows. But I think all this has played its part to make me not trust. And then I met my bf and put my trust and love into him to have it stomped on and tossed away like nothing, like I am nothing.

    I don't think I've explained it well, I'm not sure I've been able to articulate it to myself even. I know that my mother has no idea what her choices have done to shape me, and my sister. My sister has a different father, but her upbringing was similar to me. She tried to get to know her father but gave up on that. He ended passing years ago, I'm not sure if it was drug or alcohol related but I'm thinking it may have been. Not a direct od, but it took a toll on his body. When my sister was a few years old I remember being in a store with her and my mother and my mom walked around an isle. My sister started to scream 'don't leave me'. That has stayed with me, at the time I though she was just being dramatic, but now I think on it. Did she feel abandoned because she was unwanted by her father? Because our mom often got drunk and passed out or disappeared?

    So for nearly all my life I've felt there was something wrong with me. It is hard to change that feeling. Deep down it still weighs on me, even if logically I know that it isn't the case. While my bf's PA took over and he sunk deeper into it, it beat it into me even more that I am no good, not good enough. I'm not even good enough to be used for sex, how bad is that? I know that is not the case, but it still holds a part of my heart.

    It is proving very hard to push the post button. Not because I am afraid or ashamed of what I wrote above. But I think, who cares. This is my problem to deal with. But I'll make myself do it. It will be out there, I have nothing to hide.
     
  7. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

    361
    980
    123
    I’m so sorry that you feel like there’s something wrong with you. There isn't. The world can be a very dark and unfair place. So much more so in some areas/cultures. But even in the ‘1st world countries’ we do not treat people as we should. I don’t blame you for being afraid.

    I can totally relate to what you’re saying too. I was raised by my maternal grandmother because my parents were young, irresponsible, selfish drug addicts. But my mom was still the baby, the favorite, and my whole life I was encouraged to forgive her which essentially meant enabling her. My feelings weren’t as important. So I learned from the most stable and loving presence in my life that I would always still be ‘less than.’ Harsh.

    So I learned from a young age that people hurt you. All of them. I was exposed to drug dens, neglected, accosted, molested, sexually assaulted, and raped all before I was 15 years old. Only one of those perpetrators was a stranger - the one who accosted me which is arguably the least of those evils. I say this matter of factly because my story is not even very original. Not to minimize it, but sadly point out just how common it is. I also don’t know any females that haven’t been violated in SOME way. I blame that on our pornified society where women are objects to be used, rather than people and individuals to be respected as such. Our value hinges on our sexual appeal to others. It’s so ingrained that we feel insecure if we’re NOT being used as such, like you said. Lose/lose.

    Some argue this crap has been around for forever, and I would argue that’s how long we’ve been dealing with the fallout to varying degrees. I could go on and on from a soapbox but this isn’t about me or the evils of society, except peripherally.

    I struggle with trusting others because I know they are bound to hurt me. It’s inevitable. We all have selfish tendencies to some extent. But I also know that withdrawing completely and becoming bitter will bring me no peace or satisfaction either. I don’t want to be cold or unfeeling toward the world. We need more empathy, not less. However, keeping a bit of distance and limiting my trust to a few seems reasonable. I don’t mind getting a bit hurt here and there. It’s the big betrayals that I’m seeking to avoid. The ones that bring us here. I figure I’ll spend the rest of my life toeing a line which will leave me never feeling fully free. But that’s my compromise.

    I am so sorry that you’ve suffered through so much hurt and betrayal - it wouldn’t be so huge or painful if it weren’t from those we loved and trusted. You deserved better. You deserve better. I hope knowing you’re not alone might be some small consolation. If you ever need a shoulder or an ear please PM me. Sometimes just knowing there’s someone happy to be there for me is enough to get me through the darkest times. You have a lot of people here supporting you and rooting for you. I know I am. :) Hugs.
     
    Trappist and Numb like this.
  8. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

    190
    295
    63
    No one is alone

    We are all walking in each others foot steps, just cause you dont see anyone in front or behind doesnt mean they are not ahead or behind you. Walk your pace.
     
    TooMuchTooSoon and Numb like this.
  9. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Wow, Numb;
    it’s hard to see
    where you are and
    you note so much.

    It’s easier to see others struggles.

    A fellow was reading things to his sponsor,
    when he noted the sponsor was crying.
    It was normal to the guy reading.

    Maybe with enough lights on
    and recovery;
    it’s something wrong in the world,
    Not you, but what
    You’ve accommodated.

    Hope you can make changes
    to make it better
    for your good, kind self.
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2019
    hope4healing, TooMuchTooSoon and Numb like this.
  10. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    65
    91
    18
    Numb, no need to be ashamed. You are brave for sharing that stuff. I have also felt my whole life that something is wrong with me, and I don't fit in. And that I'm worse in certain way, in other people's eyes. I've had low self-esteem my whole life, felt that I'm not worthy. And what happened between my ex, the PA, and I, it made me feel even less worthy. Like I meant nothing for the one I loved and trusted. It is very difficult to rise up from the pit you and I have been the whole life.

    But I believe strongly that we can do it, if we are patient and focus on taking care of ourselves. Life is full of lessons, and those lessons will teach us to grow and become stronger.

    I also include you @TooMuchTooSoon into this ^

    Me too! This is so fucked up in our society and I hate this so much. It's so sad that young girls, even kids, think about they can be accepted and liked only if they get sexual attention from boys. And for young boys, they grow up thinking it's ok to objectify girls and girls are supposed to just look good and fill men's sexual needs. Is there gonna be any real love in the future? Where is this going? I really hope this is the rock bottom and these things will start improving, and kids start learning P is not healthy and girls have so much more value than their looks.
     
    Trappist, TooMuchTooSoon and Numb like this.
  11. Missmadness

    Missmadness Fapstronaut

    29
    42
    13
    Reading your posts is scary, its lile i could have writeen them myself the lies the sleeping just everything youv said is exactly how im feeling and what were dealing with him not talking or facing the problem.iv decided based on a few ladies posts that im not cut out for it, i dont want to keep feeling the pain frustration anger hurt everything he stays away from us 3 nights a week working tonignt is the first since our discussion and im so scared hes going right back to his habbits its so hard because i love him so much like you do your SO i dont want a life without him, but i hate the person i suspect this is going to make me become im not sure i can live like this, im giving it til we hit the 8 year mark so only 4 months away and if i dont like who i am or the relatioship then i have to walk away. Some may think im harsh but iv lived with this for 2 years solid, of thinking and feeling utterly worthless and unwanted of knowing he had made these choices that put us here whilst on the outside being his happy wife trying not to draw attention thinking id be making he Ed worse if i did, not that he was doing this to himself. He even blamed me for his PA once as mother nature comes snd im not available to him, he blamed me for his ed once saying i moved at the wrong time he would blame anything but the problem i wish i could see the light at tje end, reading your posts has helped me massively thank you
     
    Trappist and Numb like this.
  12. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    347
    806
    93
    I wasn't expecting all these replies. I honestly wasn't really expecting any, so thank you to everyone that took the time to write something.

    Sometimes I still feel like there is something wrong with me, but I'm ok with that. I'm working on changing the things that I can that I don't like. The things that can't be changed I accept. I'm not saying it works all the time but I do try.

    @TooMuchTooSoon I'm sorry you've gone through all that. It is sad that your experience and mine are so common for girls and to a lesser extent boys too.

    To everyone that has suffered from one type of abuse or another, it is a horrible things to go through and I'm sorry you've all suffered through it. There is a lot of support here, I am surprised by how much we all have in common. I am not bitter towards thing things I've gone through. It is just what has happened and showed me to be cautious about people. Sadly my bf's PA betrayal is probably the thing that has hurt me the most. I do feel differently now about it than I did before, but it still hurts.
     
  13. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    347
    806
    93
    Bf's dad has potentially three spots of cancer. He's already had bladder cancer treated. Oh the joys of smoking. The bladder and lung cancer are confirmed. There are two are different spots that could also be cancer, one in the bowels and one next to the spine. They haven't been biopsied though to be sure what they are.
    I'm worried about Bf. He already relapsed last month before the cancer diagnosis. And the relapse sent him spiraling down into even more depression, anxiety and acting like a jerk. He hasn't found a healthy way of dealing with stress and this is probably some of the biggest stress he's faced since clean. He is opening up more.

    Something I have been thinking on for a long time, forgiveness. What is forgiveness? What does it look like. It seems that the addicts push for it, say you HAVE TO forgive everything they have done. Some seem to think that forgiveness is the answer to everything. Sometimes it seem that they need the forgiveness more than the ones they hurt. To me not giving forgiveness doesn't mean being angry and bitter. I'm not ready to forgive, not now. I feel like saying 'It's ok, I forgive you.' is condoning the behavior. I do realize that isn't necessarily the case, but that is how it feels.
    And now a migraine is creeping in so I'm going to leave it at that.
     
    MisterDirection likes this.

Share This Page