Opening up

A story that sticks with me always came from an offhanded comment a professor made in a Lit class. We were discussing Hamlet and the context of what ghosts meant in that time. What made a ghost was simple. If you spent your life building your treasure in heaven you would go there. Conversely if you spent your time building your treasure on earth you would be stuck there instead. That's what porn and cyber sex had become to me. I was building treasure not even on earth... Somewhere less substantial than even that.
It started out as just a release while I was in my teens and allowed me to avoid uncomfortable conversations with girls I(this wasn't too hard anyway because I was living in a very isolated area). My method of choice started out looking at pictures of women. I then moved to yahoo chatrooms.
I never liked being in the chatrooms under my own name. I think I was ashamed to go into them. With this realization I determined I could make up a new identity. I did so. I decided I would be a woman. This made interactions more exotic and taboo. I would go into lesbian rooms and chat for hours.
This continued through the course of dating and marrying my wife. She never knew what I was doing and I had convinced myself that it did not impact her.
When she discovered the chat room on my computer I was so embarrassed. I knew I had tried to stop myself several times before but it never had any impact. I was protected because I wasn't accountable.
In the weeks building up to my wife seeing the chat room I noticed that I didn't really enjoy it. I just felt like I had to do it. I know if I continued down that path I would have delved into increasingly risky behaviors. I'm glad she found it when she did. I'm glad that I can build my relationship with her again. I'm hopeful.

 

Thank you