One last site to quit

Greetings fellow fapstronauts,
I have been struggling with PMO addiction that escalated to visiting escorts, and have put most of that problematic behavior behind me. I rarely watch porn now and on the rare occasion I catch myself searching for something I'm usually able to stop it and do something else. I haven't seen an escort in almost a year. The temptation is still there sometimes, but I've been able to talk myself out of it every time I felt the urge. I do think my porn addiction caused me to miss out on connecting with women and lead me to have the unhealthy belief that paying for sex was the only way I would get to experience it. I can't afford to see escorts regularly and the legal and STD risks are very real, not to mention the moral conflict of being against human trafficking yet potentially supporting it at the same time. And I worry about how future partners will respond if (when?) they find out about my past. At least past mistakes are forgivable, and the more time that passes the less of an issue it may be. I still struggle to forgive myself, but it's a lot easier to do the longer I abstain from it.
There is one site that still hits me like a drug, and unfortunately I still regularly use it. I don't know if I should name it because I don't want to encourage other people to go down the same rabbit hole, but it's a cam site. What makes this site different is that it feels very personal, all the camgirls do one on one video chats with you, and I keep in touch with the same girls for years even. I am spending a considerable amount of money to talk to these women who are in other countries and MO'ing with them and for what? Spending money that I worked hard for, that I can't afford to waste, to have fun with women who aren't really my friends, who want nothing more than to please me so I will keep giving them money. It's basically virtual prostitution but it's really hard to quit because it's cheap and easy. In just a few minutes and $5 I can usually have a session with someone, but I often spend hours waiting for my 'friends' to be online. $5 here and there adds up, especially since I don't have a very high paying job and that $5 often turns into $10, $15, $25. I often spend over $100 in a month just for video calls. I'm not making ends meet financially, work and hobbies suffer to this addiction, and I constantly swear off of it only to be back a week or two later. Every time I go on the site I feel a drop in my energy and mental health, and it makes me look at women differently, more lustfully, I don't like it, and neither do they. I really really want to be done, to only pursue healthy relationships with women, to finally be successful financially, have good mental health, good friends, hobbies, a future. I was clean from the site for a week and towards the end of the weekend I felt my energy coming back, the real me who is strong, confident, kind hearted, and happy. The me that lights up a room, that people want to be around, who helps without needing anything in return. That's me. But still I get bored or frustrated and depressed and throw all my money and energy at this stupid website, extinguish all these good qualities, and go back to being the sad little boy depressed in his room, unable to handle responsibility, taking instead of giving, talking to his online girlfriend and hiding from the world. I worry that the footage of me masturbating with my face in full view could get out someday. It's not that likely and I'm not famous, but there's really nothing I can do about that except hope it doesn't come back to haunt me in the future. It probably won't, but it could. I made a goal to stay off the site for the month of September, and I already failed, but it's not too late to get the old me back. I'll try to update this at least once a week.

 

Having a rough time with this. I decided to log in to delete my account but ended up relapsing. Part of me wants to keep it as an option even though it's always been detrimental.

I've been falling behind in every aspect of my life because of this. There is a SAA meeting I could go to but I'd be extremely embarassed, it seems impossible. I've had mixed results with therapy in the past but when I am free of porn/masturbation/camgirls my life gets better on its own. I do think this addiction is just a symptom of me avoiding uncomfortable feelings and situations in my life. It's hard to 'embrace the suck" when comfort is instantly available.
I'm not giving up, I'm optimistic about my situation still.

 

Yes there are a few models that I consider friends and I don't want to delete my account there because I would miss them. Makes it really difficult to walk away from.

 

I relapsed, but I realized something: My need to use camgirls is created by my use of camgirls. I'm lonely and depressed because I use camgirls, so to remedy that, I use camgirls. On top of that, I am a 'regular' and feel like I can't just cut off communication with these girls who I am usually in touch with at least once a week. I'm sure most of them just see me as a customer, and aren't going to be terribly upset when I cut off contact. I'm kind of mad at myself that I let it get this far, this addiction is ruining my relationships with women and stopping me from achieving my goals.

 

Somehow I overcame some urges last weekend. I logged into my old account but there was a problem with my credit card. I could have used another card but I didn’t want to. I keep thinking about how much time and money I’ve wasted on this. I feel like I’m racing to make up for lost time. Knowing how much I can accomplish with a clear head, when I’m chasing my dreams and not waiting for my next cam session, I can only imagine where I would be in life now if I hadn’t fallen into this addiction. I have been busy following one dream of mine, engine swapping a car. Technically I’m putting the same engine back in it but I am replacing the automatic with a manual transmission. What I like about mechanical work is you can’t bullshit through it. You can’t be drunk, or high, or lustful, or even angry and expect good results. It’s a fact that if I go back to cam girls the car will stay on jack stands all winter and into spring until I get out and work on it.
I do keep in touch with one of the girls I used to cam with but I don’t message her very often because then it makes me think of going back to my old habits. I really want to put all this in the past but that takes time.

 

It seems keeping in touch with her has only led to me wanting to go back to the site. I really struggled with urges today since I don't like to do any work on Sundays but I was able to get out of the house for a bit and that helped.

 

Sorry I didn’t get to update earlier, had a bit of a relapse a while back. I’ve been keeping busy and that’s helped a lot. It feels like a normal thing for me to need to get on a cam site, but I don’t think I actually need it. It’s really hard for me to block people from my life, but the less I time I spend logged into the cam site and messaging the girls, the more I feel like I can go without them. One thing that works is putting off urges until after I get my work done, then after that I find that the urge is weaker and I don’t have to give in to it. Of course I fear that I will run out of things to do, but then there’s social events and hobbies, so maybe I can keep this going.

 

This is really difficult. I’ve been out of work for a while, I took the time to focus on some personal projects which was great but I missed out on some job opportunities and now I feel disconnected from the professional world and lost without a purpose. I know that using cam girls is not the right thing for me to be doing but I don’t see a lot of positive outcomes from doing anything else. I’ve been through this before and eventually got out of it but I’m not having a lot of fun right now. Whether or not I relapse I’m confident that I’ll eventually get through this.