Occasional sex with wife

Have you seen that nature movie where the female goes to the male and ask him for sex? No, me neither.

Women don't "get in the mood", you put them there. Not with begging or clinging, but with small and consistent romantic gestures outside the bedroom.

Most modern day humans are too busy watching others of our species mating (which incapacitate our own ability), but fail to study courtship (which teaches us how to get more and better sex ourself).

 

I'm in a similar spot. I'm in a relationship where my girlfriend and I only have sex once or twice a month. NoFap and no porn since last july. For me, it's not enough, but I respect and accept that her sex drive is what it is. We only engage in sexual activity once or twice a month, as I've said, and when it's twice, it's usually in the course of 2-3 days. And onlye whenever she feels like it. I try so many times without success, but when she rejects I don't go and PMO, at all. So it's tough, but as I said, it is what it is and I love her with all this, because she gives me much more in every other aspect.

And before anyone jumps and tell me anything, I take care of her, I have my details, we go out and make plans together at least once a week, and even when I was in PMO I never turned her down. So she's just like that. There are women with a higher libido and other with a lower sex drive. And that doesn't mean she is mistreating you or she doesn't value you, as someone has mentioned. That's outrageous.

 

I don't want to attack or shame anyone, so I think the statement has some value in encouraging us to reflect on the kindness of our words here. However, the phrase "withdrawn sex from him" supports an incredibly entitled attitude. The next sentence, "get a female who behaves and values you as a man" doesn't make any sense. Behaves like what? So let's scrub that and say "values you like a man." My dude, you're assuming the original poster has behaved as a man. He hasn't. He got addicted to free pictures and his hand when he could have been having sex with his wife. That's not acting like a man. More importantly, he hasn't been the kind of man his wife wants to have sex with. Now, no extra shade on him. We all have, that's why we're here. Our purpose in this thread that probably belongs in "Rebooting in a Relationship" (we don't need to move it, mods), is to help repair relationships that have been damaged by porn addiction or, to be more direct, help addicts be the kind of person their SO wants to have sex with. Part of that is disabusing ourselves of excuses and finger pointing. I'd like to be as gentle but clear about this as I can, and you can argue and be upset about it but it doesn't make it untrue-

Wives don't owe you sex.
You chose to look at pictures and beat off.

Now, you can have all kinds of reasons for why you did that, and maybe her behavior made it easier for you to make that choice, but it was still your choice and that's where the proverbial buck stops.

Then you go off and say she's definitely cheating, and the only evidence the original poster provided for this is thin and inconclusive. I can say as a long time porn addict myself, and a veteran of these forums who has seen extensive reporting both from addicts and from wives of addicts; porn addicts do not behave in ways that are attractive. Porn addicts are typically not aware of all of the ways they are behaving that are unattractive.
Given the nature of porn addicts and the information provided, which is simply "wife only wants sex once or twice a month" which is, in even further experience, more reflective of a typical baseline for female libido, I and several others find it far more likely that his wife doesn't have sex with him as often as he'd like because she's simply not that interested. That's a far, far cry from her cheating.

I'm really glad you have found a partner who you have come to an agreement about how frequently you have sex, and that it's working out for you. That still doesn't entitle men, or women, to demand sex from their partners. That's an issue to be resolved between couples, and her not being willing to give sex every time you ask is not necessarily indicative of lack of respect, understanding, or love. It's entirely within the realm of possibility that you are being unreasonable with your sexual demands. People who love one another talk about it and come to an agreement. It's ridiculous to assume the person asking for sex is always right, and that problems always stem from sexual deprivation.

I think @Lilla_My 's observation speaks to the cultural norms a lot better than the others.

The question then isn't to investigate why your wife isn't giving you the sex you deserve, but it's to ask what you are doing to attract her and deserve sex. Sometimes it's as simple as asking for it, and doing so in the proper way. I hear women like a man who knows what he wants, especially when what he wants is her. Those of us with a porn addiction, though, have a lot more to work on. The first step is removing the blinders that porn has placed on us, and that, unfortunately, is a long and unpleasant process that often involves not only a readjustment of expectations from ourselves and our SO, but a period of abstinence.

In my personal experience, the SO is often ready for that period of abstinence to be over before it's healthy for the addict. But that's just me and it's a controversial position and besides, your own path is a process of discovery so I'll let you get to it.

 

Too many triggered spiteful females here

 

Get over it. I found what you said very offensive to us women who have to endure this foolishness and then read the BS that you respond with.

 

The more I think about it the more this pisses me off. You telling me to be more silent or behave? Who do you think you are? I'm not one of these women you can use and abuse like you apparently get away with in real life. You get to say whatever you want, but how dare someone challenge you! That it?

I'm not going to engage you any further. You don't have enough respect for women to warrant a conversation. Goodbye!

 

Porn teaches the man one thing above all else: how to (temporarily) please a male. This severely undermines a healthy sex life, because most heterosexual males are obviously not looking for ways to satisfy other men. Yet, he often have built up so many hours learning this particular skill that it could be translated to the time it takes to achieve a masters degree, sometimes a PhD.

At the same time, the pornographic consumer gradually "unlearns" regular partnered sex, what it takes to get it, what it takes to enjoy it, what it takes to be good at it, and what it takes for him to have his lady return for more. Then he comes here and ask why his partner is turning away. It could be her hormones, her busy life. It could also be his lack of "desirable" pursuits. Because porn doesn't teach what it really takes to get a woman into bed, or what it takes to keep her there.

He is turning away from the relationship, yet wonders if she does the same by cheating. These thoughts often arise from a very pornographic mindset. Many active porn addicts are fixated around women's sexual lives, thinking they are continuously seduced by men of colour or pizza delivery guys. This is rarely a reality; women, although inherently sexual creatures, more often than not seek passion rather than to recreate crude scenes from porn movies.

When we understand this, we can start to build the foundation to a wonderful sex life, because we start to map out what our partner needs and not only our own fears and wants. It's a start at least, and there is never any shame in trying to do better.

 

The forum does sometimes have spiteful females who, I think, cross a line, from being helpful to their mates to trying to extract vengeance, not just from their mates but from every porn addict. That hasn't happened in this thread.

 

Ohhhh, I think I understand @Legacy of Lost Soul ’s intent with that “get a female that behaves and values you as a man” statement. It should be “behaves, and values you as a man.” Punctuation matters, people. If you can’t be conscientious enough to communicate your ideas properly, how can we trust that you have been conscientious enough to think through your ideas in the first place?

 

I’m cur

What exactly do you all mean by behaves? Sounds like you have a pet dog.
Does he mean behaves like a porn star?
Is that what we are looking for now?
Or does he think she is actually cheating( with zero evidence of such) and that’s where he thinks she’s misbehaving?
Anyway, very hypocritical to tell someone to find a woman who behaves and values him as a man, while he misbehaves and devalues her as a woman.

 

Hi Happenstance,

These are my comments on your post:

True when a wife repeatedly, and without explanation, rejects her husbands attempts to be intimate, that doesn't cause him to watch porn, but it can contribute to it for sure.

I kind of agree with you here except that it might actually be the husband who is better off moving on from the relationship, if he is dealing with an unsupportive wife. Ideally though, both parties should make efforts to improve their relationship, as divorce isn't good for anyone involved.

Anyway, Happenstance, I hope you have a great day

 

Sorry but I just don't agree. We don't get to blame someone else for our words actions and behaviors period. You can quote that excuse all you want. It's still his choice and decision to act on it.

Seriously? I'm to be the good little wife? "Yes sir dear", "OK dear", "You know best dear". What century are you living in? It makes me a bad wife because I refuse to lend one ounce of credibility to such bullshit from my husband? I also find it rather insulting and patronizing to suggest I need to take some communication skills training when your words wouldn't be worthy of a response to begin with. But OK.

Where do you get off with all of this conjecture? I rarely reject my husband anymore. That wasn't always the case. When he did finally get his head out of his ass guess what? His sex life suddenly improved. Wow! Imagine that! What a miracle! Besides what has developed for you all up to now is anything but intimate. Of course most of you don't know what intimacy is. You've got your mind fixated on sex. How's that working out for ya?

I'm very much open to making efforts to help things improve, but improve for who, you? I didn't do this, yet I'm supposed to do much of the suffering for it. Hell no! You did this. You fix it. I'll do what I need to do to heal myself and he can do the same. That's how we recovered. That's what works. Couples counseling isn't worth a damn to anyone who is active addiction nor anyone who is in an active state of betrayal trauma. Our counselor taught us that and he was right. So just because I choose to ignore bullshit and walk away from it doesn't mean I'm not willing to communicate. It means I'm not willing to swallow loads of bullshit and call it chocolate.

No, you aren't part of the problem. You are the problem. Nobody is going to get the help they need as long as they continue to receive advice that is detrimental to their success. Perhaps it is you and those like minded that are not open. We're not going to listen to and follow counsel of those who betrayed us. Sorry if that doesn't set well with you but I just don't care.

Then please! Do move on. You'll be doing us both a great big favor. My husband and I are doing just fine. I can't stand watching you people deliver all of this ill advice and have absolutely no accountability for it. It's pathetic. It's sickening. The sad part is you don't even realize you're doing it and then when somebody that knows better points it out to you you gaslight the shit out of us blaming us for it. That's fine. As our counselor also taught us "if you're focused on me you're leaving somebody else alone". While you're at it you may want to come to some fundamental understanding of what "supportive" really means and looks like because it appears you don't really know.

Have a nice day yourself.

 

With respect I say this... Im not addressing this woman who is complaining about my comments, im adressing this gentleman wrote the original post about his wife only giving it up twice a month ... this is for you buddy. ....Ill say it again, I was in the same situation as you, infact if I was a betting man Id say most men who are married or in serious relationships have the same issue. That is why one of the gentlemen in the comments said ' welcome to marriage ' and that is why another man in the comments said about himself he is going through the same thing.

You need the truth as bitter as it may seem my friend. The reality is your a man, your horny a lot of the time and you need to release that energy in the most natural and organic way. Sex with your woman certainly helps !, twice a month probably isn't going to cut it and in the hyper sexed world we live in today unless your getting it regularly , so long as your deprived of sex you'll have your work cut out for you. One of the ways your wife can help ( apart from moral support ) is by giving you sex more frequently ...Im not saying that is the answer in and of itself , because my wife gives me sex pretty much whenever I want and I still had issues. But realistically, regular sex is a huge huge help ( im speaking from experience ) As for the woman who made many comments about what I said ..im not sure she can ever understand ..truly understand. Just as men can't truly understand woman as other woman understand them.

Finally its not all doom and gloom, I was addicted to pmo for over a year and praise be to god I over come it..you can to, yes it can be a long road..but with the right support, strength and will you can and you will beat this. Speak to your wife about how you feel, if the discussion becomes a little heated or you sense hostility leave it there. If she gives you a hostile responce please dont get angry ...your a man, stay centred and relaxed. Let her know you love her and your sure she might have qualms to. Tell her when she's ready you'd like to discuss this in a positive way. If she values you and respects you she will talk to you about it.

 

Happenstance you seem angry and unhappy and triggered and angry towards men...I hope god removes this pain from you. But this thread isn't about you so please stop bringing your negative energy into this poor guys post. I can feel your negative energy ..its coming out of the screen of my Mac computer and absorbing into my eyes....lets focus on supporting a guy who wants to stop pmo and wants to start to have sex with his wife more regularly ..which Id say is a good thing ...you agree right?

 

The problem is that he begins by saying that his addiction is because of his wife. That he is desperate and she keeps turning him down. Trobone answers him and points this out. However, many on here want to agree and put blame on the wife. She is completely blameless. There are many men addicted to porn who turn their partners down for sex. Secondly, porn addicts in general are terrible lovers, maybe the only reason woman don’t want sex as much is their partner isn’t interested in making love with them so much as masturbating inside them and using them. Addicts are so incredibly selfish and self absorbed, it doesn’t promote healthy bonding and in fact creates an unsafe environment for the partner. This also affects the sexual relationship. Telling him his wife needs to give him more sex will not stop his addiction. You are setting him up for more failure when you do this. My animals have more self control than the men on here. He needs to take full responsibility for his addiction, address it, and focus on his recovery. Once he has been clean for a year or more, isn’t cheating on his wife and filling his head with garbage, then focus on improving all aspects of their relationship with her. Many on here do a great disservice by putting blame on the partner. Most addictions started long, long before they ever got married.

 

She always initiates? You don’t know how to do what? Everything trobone mentions are things my kids know how to do. Why haven’t you talked to her? Why is your wife so busy? Does she do everything and you just sit on the couch? It’s literally only been 7 days. I’m guessing you don’t have children? Because you can’t have sex for 6 weeks after giving birth. What would you do if she died tomorrow? Hooker? Masturbate? One night stand? I absolutely know what it’s like to want sex, have a libido through the roof and a partner only interested once in a while. You know what I’d didn’t do? Masturbate compulsively to porn. Cheat. Daydream about sexual encounters. You know what I did do? Exercise, worked out, had two jobs, focused on myself and my kids.

 

I think some perspective is needed here. We can't put blame for our actions on others. We all regret going down the porn rabbit hole that we all know is so easy to fall down and sometimes this happens during a dry spell. And dry spells happen, we can't all be up for sex all the time. No one is to blame but yourself/ourselves for viewing porn. No one made us do it.

With that being said, how to fix this problem? Well, quit pmo for good for starters. Try to communicate to your wife about what she wants/likes. Maybe don't just ask for sex, start with a loving kiss/cuddle without the expectations of sex. You would be surprised. Make some romantic gestures, even if it is just you putting into words how much she means to you, how much you love her etc. Make her feel appreciated and loved.

 

How convenient of you to “divide and conquer”. LOL as if we don’t know that trick. You’re talking to the OP, yet you make it a point to address me directly beneath it. If you ever do learn anything about gaslighting this is a form of it. I don’t buy it nor do I put up with it. Nice try though.

You’re not horny because you’re a man. You’re horny because you’re addicted to sex. You don’t need to release that energy. You need to get your brain fixed through neuroplasticity to act more functionally instead of dysfunctionally.

In this state of mind that is correct. It helps you stay addicted to it. Sex could help but in this condition it is counterproductive. Is “your woman” a partner of yours or is “your woman” a property of yours? It’s a legitimate question. I don’t know why I’m asking. I don’t even care what you think at this point because it’s pretty damned mindless.

Ya know sex isn’t some work we have cut out for us anymore. Once his addiction was under control and my betrayal trauma was halted it took a while but we got into a much better place. The hyper sexed world is a world you men created. It is a fascade that is a money making machine designed to get you permanently hooked on it such that you spend incredible amounts of time energy effort and money on it. Oftentimes money we don’t have to waste on it. If you ever start treating “your woman” with honor dignity respect love etc. you won’t be concerned about it because as our counselor told our addict husbands “do this and you won’t have to worry about sex at all because you will get it in greater quantity and greater quality than you ever imagined” My husband said “wow he was right!” Whatever. You continue to whine and beg and complain about not getting enough sex and you’ll be doing the same exact thing this time next year and the year after and so on.

Give me a fucking break! The problem is we do understand. The problem is you don’t understand. You pretty much haven’t tried to. You continue to act dysfunctionally and expect us to react functionally. How’s that working out for you? It’s not. You said it yourself. You experience the same thing. Duh! No shit!

I genuinely love the “your a man” nonsense. The problem here as I see it is that you don’t talk to her. You talk over her. If he follows that he will continue to have problems for the remainder of his marriage however long she can put up with it. Eventually she will tire of it and she will move on. We can agree on this. Yes you can do this. Yes it is a long road. You can beat this. Do talk to her and tell her how you feel but don’t you dare blame her for it. Remember you did this to her. Do not get angry. Do let her know that you love her. And do make sure she is open to discuss it before forcing the issue for that would just piss her off more.

@HereAgain, telling someone how the think or feel is gaslighting. I hope you don’t do that with your wife. If you do I hope she has the wherewithal to set some hard boundaries. I’m not angry unhappy triggered or angry towards men. I am however sick and tired of sparring with you people who don’t know shit about addiction and betrayal trauma and then tell people shit that will ultimately result in the destruction of their marriage. You don’t like it when someone dares challenge you. That’s very characteristic of one who is in a state of addiction. It’s one of many red flags our counselor warned us about and you boys demonstrate many very regularly.

I know this thread is not about me. It is about the OP. You tell the OP something detrimental to his recovery I’m going to call you out on it. You call it negative energy because it is inconsistent with yours. Do you think for a second your diatribe is anything but negative towards his wife? “Its coming out of the screen of my Mac computer and absorbing into my eyes” Oooh my! You should really go see someone about that.

As for sex with his wife more regularly being a good thing? I’ll tell you what would be a good thing. Focus on intimacy as we have learned and he will get what he wants. You can’t get it by trying to brainwash force coerce blackmail or any other mechanism and it be a good thing. We will just fuck you to shut you up. Is that what you really want? Or do you want love and belonging and connection? Damnit we could really help all of you boys if you’d just stop look and listen to what we are trying to tell you but you’re too damned hard headed to be open about it. Our marriage is great. Where will yours be in five years?

Incidentally one thing we learned early on in our recovery program? Defensivenes is a major sign that you’re not ready for recovery. Think about that. You’re trying to defend the indefensible. Good luck with that. I’m done with this discussion and dialog. It’s insanity…repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Have a nice week. I’m tired of this foolishness. I won’t be responding to any further rebuttal from you either.

 

Couples counseling has been shown to be incredibly harmful if one partner is in active addiction. We went to 5 years of couples counseling(3 different counselors) that further damaged our marital relationship. Individual counseling is what the addict needs before they ever begin couples. And not just any counselor, addiction, sex addiction, trauma counselors are your best chance at getting knowledgeable help. Sadly, most addicts have no idea how compromised their thinking is until they get into long term recovery.