Not my first time

I can't really say my previous "attempts" ended in relapse, because I after the first few days the first time, I never intended to abstain at all; I just wanted to get the heat off with my wife. You're not relapsing if you're not really trying. This time, it's different for me, although she has know way of knowing that and no reason to believe it. I've been on the Reddit NoFap forum, and posted a few days ago that U had to find the reason for myself to do this. The arguments about "I'll be healthier", "it's not natural", and the like didn't carry any weight with me. The thing that really got me is that I had promised in my wedding ceremony, in the words of the old Quaker practice, to "be unto thee a loving and faithful husband." And, through PMO, I have not been. I didn't keep my promise.

So here I am, less than a week off my old ways, trying to do this. I quit alcohol and drugs 35 years ago, and believe me: this is harder.

I'm hoping for peace in the house and the relationship back with my wife. I've made a practice of going to either the NoFap site or the Reddit NoFap forum for at least fifteen minutes a day, and I saw the reference to this forum on the Reddit site. I hope it gets different, and I get better.

 

@StopTheMusic - I guess since I'm using a pseudonym, admitting that I was a 12-step attendee isn't really a violation of the tradition of anonymity. One of the things I found helpful there was hearing the stories, and I'm getting a taste of that here. I'm also getting a sense for what works and what doesn't. I was on the Reddit NoFap forum, and I didn't find the same number of long-termers that I see here. Also, I remember seeing two posts from people who were engaging in activities that just looked like invitations to relapse (one, I remember, went back to look at porn to see what his reaction would be). I haven't been on this forum much (well, DUH!), but there seems to be more sense and less nonsense here.

@D.J. - Strategies so far:

• Changed the DNS settings on the router to block porn sites. (see below)
• Changed the sound settings on the "porn computer" so that I have to turn on the sound each time I want it on. For this and the previous: No technological solution is going to be complete, and if I used one I'd just figure out a way to crack it anyway. These are really just a way to give me time to think through the outcome if I'm going to use porn, and to remind me what I have to lose.
• Told on myself. Let my wife know some of my porn-use strategies; I continue to do so as they come up.
• Changed out the credit card I'd used on the paid sites. I'll have to go in and put in the new credit card if I want to use them again.
• Moved the "M" lube into the bedroom, away from the computer.
• I've gone to either NoFap, YourBrainOnPorn, the Reddit Nofap forum, or this forum every day for at least 15 minutes (longer most days; sometimes MUCH longer).
• Put up the counter on this forum. It's stupid, but it's another reminder.

I still need to find stuff to do to fill idle time; I suck at that.

I'm 62 and married. I found something this morning that showed that my first "attempt" (was it really an attempt if I don't really think I was committed?) was five years ago. No wonder my wife doesn't trust me.

One more thing: I've seen posts from spouses/partners saying that they hope the addict continues to abstain even if they break up. I don't think that's going to work for me. I'm doing this to keep my marriage. Period.

 

I'm married, and, while I'm eliminating P and avoiding M for 90 days, I'm staying flexible about the O... but only with my wife; no others and no self stuff. And having the M lube out where my wife can see it is another instance of telling on myself.

Anonymity is at the level of press (which maybe this is), radio and films. Between the specialized nature of this forum and the fact that I'm hiding behind a nickname, I doubt this is a violation for either of us; I'm certainly not worrying about it.

Thanks to you, and to others, for the welcoming words on this forum. It's a little after 3am as I write this, and not long ago, I'd be doing something else by a computer on a sleepless night.