New relationship and he’s an addict. What do i do?

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by lja, May 8, 2019.

  1. lja

    lja New Fapstronaut

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    Hi! This forum is overwhelming and I’m not sure where to start or even look. I’m hoping someone can point me in the right direction
    My boyfriend of 5 months is addicted to porn and masturbating. To the point where he doesn’t particularly make moves on me or initiate sex at all with me. It’s psychological for him and if he’s stressed or tired doesn’t want to have sex. We only have sex once a week. Sometimes twice. I’m in love with him but I want to feel desired by him and that he’s attracted to me. I want to support his addiction but also I want to have more sexual encounters with him. He went two days without masturbating and we had sex two days in a row and he loved it. But the. Got right back to porn and getting himself off so he was no longer in the mood for me. What can I do to start an adult conversation to help and support him but by also having my needs met. He doesn’t have a past healthy relationship/sexual life. This is the o my healthy relationship he’s used to and I want to help him in any way possible without seeming selfish
    Thanks for your time!
     
  2. Souvent08

    Souvent08 Fapstronaut

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    When did you first notice this? It’s going to take time to get from where he is at to where it would be healthy for both of you. So the two days off that he good is a good start. Next time it may also be two days off and then increase little by little. You are a good girlfriend for being there for him and not holding it against him. He is lucky to have you and he will see it someday. Just hang in there and continue to support him. Pmo is a mental issue and it takes a long time to understand that and to slowly find ways out of it.
     
  3. You're 5 months in... think long and hard if you want this to be your life.... choosing to be with an addict is a choice only you can make... it means a lifestyle of recovery, the chance he will use again one day, etc. It's not a life chosen by the weak of heart.

    He needs to get help and he needs to want it. You can want it all you want but unless he wants to stop he won't stop. He needs outside help (reading, professionals, self-help books,etc.)
     
  4. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    I agree, but will be less diplomatic than @Queen_Of_Hearts_13. Get out now before you invest any more time and energy. You have no idea what you are getting into.
     
  5. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    We all know that porn use has become prevalent and pretty normalized in our society. Rather than immediately ditching him (as suggested), someone you know about and think you can help.....try. It may very well be that this guy isn't ready to drop porn or he's not the right guy regardless but the experience can't hurt (too much.....of course it will hurt if he goes back after making progress). Better working to rid the addiction you know than thinking everything is fine and getting surprised later.

    But, he does sound like he's into the addiction quite completely. Set up a timeline for yourself, communicate your needs and encourage and support him.....until the time is up and if nothing has changed....move on. You will have helped him in the process and protected yourself too.
     
  6. de severn

    de severn Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

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    I know these are extreme comparisons but let’s reposition your dilemma in a way that may help you decide whether you stick it out or cut your losses while you’re not heavily attached:

    Would you date someone who has a history of heroin addiction?

    A peeping Tom?

    A sneaky liar?

    A self-centered layabout?

    A glutton?

    Even if he wants to quit... would you take the chance? Would you let your daughter put up with that risk?
     
  7. Souvent08

    Souvent08 Fapstronaut

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    Damn! That really puts things into perspective. I wish the guy luck but yeah, you’re right.
     
  8. Eleanor

    Eleanor Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I agree with the girls above, I suppose they're a porn addict's SO. As a porn literature addict, I wouldn't date me, even when I'm doing pretty well in recovery. I started like that: couldn't stand the abstinence by more than 2 days, and progressed slowly but the truth is that I did it alone. I have a friend with depression and a boyfriend, she did nothing or too little to fix her depression because the guy was anesthesia. Now that the guy wants to leave, because he's tired of her mood, the problem becomes evident. Take care of yourself first, you're not anybody's therapist.
     

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