New phones

You gotta talk to him, girl. I feel you about conflict... I'm really awful with conflict and bringing stuff up. I feel like the more I do it, though, the easier it gets. Especially if you make sure you have the right heart about it first. Figure out your own thoughts, get to the root of what is really bothering you, so you don't end up arguing for hours about stuff that isn't even what you're upset about. Be honest, direct, and specific about your thoughts and feelings. Guys need that. I know we want them to just read our minds so we don't have to say stuff out loud, but they can't do that, so you just gotta bring it up.

Good luck! For what it's worth, I would be concerned about that too and I would ask my husband why he has his set with a password. So you're definitely not overreacting or anything.

 

Or he could have set a password to protect his private data from potential thieves...

 

Gotta ask him about it.plain and simple.

 

Then it's kinda a no brainer what he's doing. Confront him.

 

The number one cause of bad fights in a relationship is this exact thing. You are married to your husband, not us. Therefore, you alone should be going to talk to him about problems first, and then seeking advice afterwords if you can't talk it out. How do you think that makes him feel that you wont come talk to him? Just a thought and a tidbit from pre-marital counseling. Conflict is inevitable, it only get's worse if you avoid it.

 

You need to ask. He is not helping you at all.

I'm trying for the life of me to see why he would do that.

This is just going to send you crazy

 

Its HIS job to re-establish trust. He needs to go a step beyond what a normal person would do to be trustworthy. He has to avoid even the appearance of being deceitful. Part of establishing trust is to be completely transparent during recovery. When you express how his behavior makes you feel like he's hiding something then he should automatically comply. It may seem unreasonable to him, but he has lost the right to disagree. Addicts have learned to hide their secrets for so long that it become automatic to reveal as little as possible. It is a behavior that needs to be unlearned.

 

@BillieRae
I understand how you feel whenever I would ask my SO questions about a smartphone or other Internet gadgets that can access porn he would look at me like I had 2 heads and was crazy to give it such thought .. even something like his Nintendo DS had download able porn/games .. I was rookie at the porn police academy and I got tired of that real quick .. BillieRae all I can say from my heartfelt thoughts is he needs to come clean to you in all honesty or else you will always feel like you're in the dark

 

No way at all am I buying that.

This isn't going to work if he is not honest with you.

In a loving way you need to say I need us to be on a level with each other. It's only harming him too if he keeps pretending everything is OK when it isn't.

 

THIS!

Let's play the game of if you do not ask then I will not tell.

I started this as a child. I would go off on 40-50 mile bike rides. My mother never asked where I went and I did not tell her as she would say that's too far, what if anything happens etc

In a relationship if I spent too much money and couldn't pay a bill I would hide it and think I will pay it next month. You don't need to know anyway, it's my error so I'll fix it.

When my drinking got worse I would hide that too. Hide the bottle and lie about having any even though it was obvious

With this stuff my default answer was to lie, protect myself and protect you. To avoid anger, upset and confrontation I would try and hide what I think you don't want to hear. It's wrong but also it's not wrong at the same time.

Even simple things like if MrsK makes dinner and I do not like it then say in a tactful way I wasn't keen.

My therapist believes I have an addiction to lying, maybe one to explore with your other half.

As disappointed as you may feel, remember there is a good person in there that you believe in and love. And the hiding and deviousness will be seen in his head as protecting. The truth is he is damaging himself as he isn't seeing himself as a decent person by lying. If I told you the truth then you would hate me and the illusion that everything is OK is an appealing place to live. It's like an ostrich burying it's head so it can't see the approaching lion. What lion, no lion here....

 

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I think you are right for asking him the question but by the looks of it he isn't prepared to be honest with you. I think you already know why he has a password set up on there. By probing anymore it's just going to make you angrier as you know he isn't be honest.

 

Approach with care and love... The reason I would hide was fear of anger so in a kind way if you want to know then ask. I know it's a bit child like in the approach but it may just work.

 

It sounds to me like your next step is to approach him via a community or professional. Start counseling or something, as currently in this state it isn't creating honesty and he clearly doesn't want help. So maybe you should just start seeing a professional, and offer for him to come along if he wants to. It will drive him crazy why you are, and perhaps drive him to come to. Just a thought!

 

Tell him you would like to know what's going on. You love him very much and you want to move on but you need to know the truth. Tell me whenever you are ready but I would like to know.

Leave it at that and let him come to you after he has thought about it.

 

If he reset it to have no password, wouldn't that be a good thing, though? I mean maybe I'm just confused about how this works, but I thought no password was what you wanted.