New and Alone

Today has been very difficult for me. I broke up with my girlfriend last night because I felt like she was no longer willing to put up with my issues/ erectile dysfunction. I recently told her about what I was facing and she became very distant. She didn't have the will power to end it so I felt like I had to do it. She obviously didn't want to hurt my feelings. She agreed that it needed to end after I talked to her about it. We had only been together 2 months, and we had mediocre sex a few times. She said she enjoyed it but the other times my penis was practically dead. She really did try to make it work though and wanted to make me comfortable with her. I quit P about a month ago and it really wasn't very difficult. I went into a very heavy flatline, although I have been somewhat flatining for a couple years since I was with my prior girlfriend of 10 years. MO is a different story. I quite M 3 weeks ago but relapsed 2 days ago. I didn't look at porn. I just imagined the best sex I had with my girlfriend and I only lasted about 5 minutes. It was one of the most intense orgasms I have ever felt but afterwards I felt depleted and wasted. The 3 weeks I didn't do it were highly productive and I felt alive again. I also quit marijuana 2 weeks ago. Not sure if it was the weed or the quitting M, but I felt like I was in command of everything around me. I work in management and during the 3 weeks of no PMO everyone around me was waiting for me to give them to direction. I easily solved complex problems in little to no time and people were giving me lots of respect. I go back to work tomorrow so we will see how it goes since I fucked up 2 days ago. Before I quit PMO and marijuana, I was almost completely disconnected from my work and everyone around me could notice it. I hated my job and would find anything else to do to waste time. I hope that mentality doesn't return tomorrow but I think it will because I'm very depressed currently. I probably need a new job because I have worked for this company for 8 years and I don't have much to show for it.

My girlfriend had been very preoccupied with work and starting school, so I think this may have also triggered the demise of our relationship. I felt like she was cheating on me with other guys but I don't think she actually was. Not being able to get it up causes paranoia and forces you into a cycle of anxiety that you cannot free yourself from. My PIED has been the most difficult situation I have ever faced. I am alone, afraid and unable to face the challenges that life is throwing at me. Everything seems to be falling apart and I have no where to turn. I still have no desire to watch porn for some reason... I'm glad I don't have that problem to deal with right now like so many others on here. I feel like I have accepted that porn is a demonic medium that will only ruin me. Luckily, I was still able to M without porn or thoughts of porn. I am somewhat imaginative anyway and grew up without high speed internet porn. It wasn't until about 4 years ago that I began to indulge in the really bad stuff but it spiraled out of control since then. I had been at the end of a 10 year relationship and it was all I had to rely on. I hate the thought of porn. I occasionally think of the porn stars I saw and their empty faces and it makes me very sad for them. They were some of the loneliest people I ever saw and they were practically dead inside. They must be in a much worse state than I am. When I don't M, I appreciate people much more. I care about people. I hope this one instance of M doesn't set me back to square one. All I want is to be able to love someone and be loved.