My Story

Hello everyone,

due to my miserable situation right now I want to share my addiction story with you all:

I am 25, quite good looking and fit, and live in South Germany.
Right now I am living with my parants and my younger brother again.

Since Feb 2023 I am working as a controller in an EMS-Company.

In my freetime I am doing Karate, a bit of weightlifting and Yoga and Cardio.

I am also Interested in theology and philosophy and like spending time with my family.

Safly I only have one friend left fue to my extremely jealous ex wive ( details in the followinz passages).

To make my post more clear I will structure it into several chapters.

First Chapter: Upringing and first contacz with P*rn


My parents were married before I was born and are still happily married.
I grew up very based and quite happy without any severe problems.
Atvthe age of 12 I did masturbate for the first time due to the content of a biology book from schoon (sex ed).

When I met p*rn for the first time I don‘t remember exactly but I assune it was between age 12 (not long after my first masturbation) and 13/14.

Back then I was scaried of all of the gross categories that were available in internet porn sites.
I think I watched „normal“ vanilla porn, interracial porn (B..C) lesbian type stuff most of the time but I also remember having seen besstiality content and transwomen (I didn‘t watch these categories often because it grossed me out, I just remember it).

I also used the dildo of my mother a few times or the sextoy of my dad and also masturbated over thoughts pf my mother (maybe this is an important psychological hint).

Second Chapter: From end of chapter one until my ex-wife (break up end of 2021):

During my years in school and university porn always accompanied me.

I watched it regularly, also sometimes several times a day, but it did not really influence my day-to-day life negatively in big terms.
I also consumer it while having relationships with my exes.

Chapter 2.1: My HOCD:

As a teenager I was influenced by american rap very profoundly, this also had effects on my choice of clothing.
Due to that I have worn non-common clothing an jewellery, such as a very fitted Versace-Tank-Top or a fake Diamond Chain for example.

This lead to classmated or people in my age calling me gay, because in the rural area where I am from, people arr not that used to non-common clothes (it has become different over the last years I think).
Back then I reacted quite confident to these accusatione/insults.

Additional to that my own mother also made jokes about me being homosexual because i took care of myself (for example the uncommon clothes, hairstyle, plugged eyebrows..).
She kept doing this for several years.

And now in 2016 I was friends with benefits with a girls, after some weeks I realized that I was not really attracted to her and that I also didn’t like spending time with her besided the sexual part, too much.
So I ended our friends with benefits.
After that thoughts came into my mind why I did this, because all men just want to have sex and would never do this like me, just ending a friends with benefits because of the personality of the woman (I know that this is wrong) so I thought is somethinh wrong with me? Am I homosexual maybe?

This was the beginning of my HOCD which stoll appears sometimes to this day.

Chapter 2.2: Me being bullied because of penis size

In seventh class of school my ex sent a whatsapp-screenshot of me saying „I wamt you to s*ck my 16 cm“ to other girls which also told other people about my dick size.
Therefore many people knew it and mocked me for having a small penis (which is in fact not even true because its even above average, but it still was a miserable situation for me).
Due to that i began being resentful and revengful towards people, I wanter to surpass them in career and sports (I startef bodybuilding shorty after that incident which helped me tremendously).
Until this day I have this feeling of anger ane revenge in myself.

I also think that this drastic moment in my life is a major reason for my inferiority complex about which I will write later on.

Chapter 3: Beginning of realationship with my ex wife until break up

In August 2018 I had a new girlfriend, she is Tunisian and a muslim.

In this time I already heard that porn is bad for mental health and can even change your sexual preferences (which was very frightening for me because of my HOCD and the light social stigma that is still on homosexual people in some parts of germany), so I wanted to quit porn for good.

Also my tunisian girlfriend did not want me watching porn because she considered it cheating (what I also think) and she was very jealous.

After some relapses I managed quitting porn during pur relationship and later on marriage (about 3 years).

During this time I also found my way back home to the catholic faith (before that I was more of a „culture-catholic“, thats aldo how I was brought up, even though I alwayw believed in gofd as our father.

Because of my faith I was able to handle my HOCD better and even manage to make it disappear for a long time (before that since the first appearence my HOCD occured in phases, some were short and some longer, with sometimes longer HOCD-free phases in between and sometimes shorter ones).

The bad side of the story/relationship/marriage was that due to my extremely jealous ex wife and the „forbiddennes“ of even looking at other women I have become very fixated on other women.

Breakup: End of 2021 my ex wife moved out of our appartment and we broke up (divorce in July 2023).

Chapter 4: Falling into the rabbit hole if porn, sexchats and video chats

Soon after my ex wife moved out I began watching porn because so much forbidden during our marriage (even thoughts about other women).
I started with vanilla and things like interracial but in just a few monthd i fell deeply into the rabbit hole of porn and even more online sexchats.

I have developed some really bad fetishes about me being humilated (cuckie, cock size, BBC, transwomen), and also stuff about animals, even a bit gay stuff in connection with the cuck-themes.

I even did videochats with some strangers and wanted to visit a prostitute once but luckily it didn‘t work out.

Also my HOCD naturally occured again surely because of me consuming that content again.

Addition to that I began using my parents sex toys again (mostly dildo).

I spent so many even whole nights beating my meat and sometimes anal masturbation, it really sucked so much energy out of me, ir is a cycle of chame and doing it again.

Furthermore I felt very lonely and left behind.

I tried solving the addiction with faith, prayer, talking with a priest during confession, a Hypnosis-therapy and i have used and use again the accountability Software Covenant eyes.

In Summer 2022 I had a short relationship with a girl I got to know during vacation, at first I was very confident and also dominanz in bed but over time i became more and more emotional and unstable (because she lived in Italy and i couldnt see her that often) and also submissive in bed until the relationship endef in autumn 2022.


In January 2023 I moved back to my parents house which I was endlessly happy about because they always supporter me and loved me.

Still the porn consumption and sexchats continued until I one day open up to my mother in detail (not the porn content and sexchat content) about my problems and I decided to attend therapy.

Chapter 5: Present:

So since August I am seeing my therapist once a week. He is a depth psychologist about which I am very happy because I am sure that my hardcore additction and self humiliation habits in sexchats arr just the symptoms of a deeper lying problem or trauma.

Due to my laptop beeing locked away in a safe and my iPhone being protected with covenant eyes (my mother as accountability partner) and Apple screen-time function as well as my ongoing therapy (we are still discussing my past live and the stages right now) my addiction became quite less.

Unfortunately during a business trip with my female collegue (she is 40 and I find her quite attravtive, we talk a lot with each other and also tease esch other a little bit) after our dinner with coworkers and a beer (i get drunk very easily) I started looking up for pictures of trans women on the internet (its a site that is not blocker via covenant eyes) and masturbated to it quite a long time.

After that i did this several times also at home and i started using the Playstation 4 in my room to access the internet sexchat and porn sites and edged whole nights again.


If you have read this far I kindly want to thank you.

At this moment I am a bit hopeless because I wonder if i can manage to end the addiction and solve my underlying inferiority complex.

I wonder if tehrapy can really heal me or If i shouldnt rely that much on it?

I also try to work on it by myself with active imagination, a technik for communicatinh with your unconscoious by Carl Jung (Jordan Peterson fans like myself will know him).

If anyone has some advice/help for me or was in a simular situation please let me know and I am looking forward to your experiences.

Thank you all, may God bless you and never give up the good fight!

Greetings from South Germany.

Philipp

 

Thanks for your advice Pete!

Yes I know, that the porn industry is fed on lies.

My problem is that i know all of these things about dopamine, etc. but my urges still control me.

I also have to find the solution for the roots of the problems which is my self humiliation.

I feel that something inside of me is brokeb or has to be fixed but don‘t know how to do that.

By the way: Do you think it is better to stop listening to rap music (bad music) all together because it affects your thoughts maybe?

Because I still listen and enjoy rap music.

Thanks for your kind words!

 

Thanks you my friend. I have made a nee thread about my current situation. Just as an info, you don‘t have to comment on that. You already made a lot of effort.

Best Wishes Philipp