My Story of LONG Story of Porn Addiction

I am a person who has been desensitized to everything that is X rated or is related to the adult industry. This was caused by an addiction. An addiction that i’ve had for years since I was 13 years old. This addiction is known as pornography.

It all started when I was in the 7th grade. I didn’t really know what porn was until my Catholic schoolmates informed be about it. I knew it was a bad thing and even my religion teacher taught me that it was a sin. Back in 2013, Instagram had just become popular and there weren’t any guidelines for posting pictures. Which means a lot of people would post nudes and pornographic videos on the social media app. I made a spam account and followed a bunch of nude models because it gave me an endorphin rush when I got a boner. I would look at pictures before school and after school. There was another popular social media app called vine that had adult videos on there as well. I would also look at that.

Now in 8th grade, realizing that I had a problem, I deleted both apps and tried my hardest to quit. This was because I felt so guilty and depressed because I knew what I was doing was wrong. My attempt to quit didn’t last long. Soon after I downloaded Instagram yet again and pursued the photos many more times. Take note that I never did masturbate in 7th or 8th grade. So I would just have a hard on while looking at the photos. For summer vacation, I went to visit my grandparents for about 2 months. While I was with my grandfather he went through his internet browser history to look for a cool music video to show me. One of the things in his history was titled “Teen Pornhub Video” or something along those lines. He didn’t realize that I noticed that search because I kept to myself.

That night I experimented and went on Pornhub with my iPad. I was astounded by the size of the site and how all the videos were free. So I started exploring and got myself hooked on this channel called “FakeTaxi.” I found myself not only addicted to the girls, but also the plot and how things went down. So it corrupted my brain thinking that you have to manipulate women to have sex with you and that they like to be treated like shit. I actually thought FakeTaxi was real and not just some video orchestrated with acting. Take note again that I didn’t start masturbating yet. I would also watch channels like “PassionHD” and “TeensLoveHugeCocks.” When the summer was over and I moved to South Korea, I attempted to go on Pornhub. My attempt was unsuccessful because the Korean government blocked if not all most sites with adult entertainment. But I quickly learned that using a VPN (Virtual Private Network) was enough to bypass the block.

So 9th grade, I was looking at Pornography 3-5 times a week and was going deeper down the hole each time. It all started with normal vanilla sex but escalated to mature women, threesomes, rough sex, and gangbangs. I guess this was because I had too much of vanilla and had to get hard to something else. So it kept getting worse and worse. My 10th grade year was even worse. I was looking at all of pissing porn and stuff along those lines. I also watched alot of lesbian erotica. Soon I realized that I couldn’t get hard to pretty much anything and I was pretty muched scared shitless. This was towards the end of the school year and I pretty much realized I had a PIED (Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction). During this year I had caught my father looking at pornography and downloading torrents of it. But I never said anything and he never knew that I knew. I guess because my father and grandfather both looked at it, I thought it was okay. I even talked to my friends about it because I was worried. But my mother caught my father red-handed masturbating to porn on his Alienware Gaming Laptop and she threatened to divorce him if he didn’t quit. He promised that he would and that was the end of that argument. She also found out that he had been taking vgara because he himself also had PIED.

If I recall correctly, I took a break from porn until November of 2016, which was my junior year. During November, I flew back to the states to celebrate Thanksgiving with my grandparents. My grandma let me borrow her computer and everyday I would wake up at 6:00 AM just to go on it and explore PornHub. While I was watching a video I saw a thumbnail of this transgender pornstar named Aubrey Kate. I clicked on it and immediately got hooked. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized that I had gone insane. But I chose to ignore it. So when I got back to Korea, I would just look at transwoman porn for the whole year. My mom offered me my dad’s laptop because she caught him looking at porn again. I took it but felt guilty because I also looked at porn.

SIDENOTE: I want to mention that out of all the people in the world, my mom is probably the person that means the most to me. I love her to death and I would breakdown if she found out what I am going through. She is actually the last person, I would ever want to disappoint.

So my senior year I was doing research to quit pornography and what caused me to go down this never ending dark hole. So I quit looking at porn for about 60 days. I relapsed and looked at it for the rest of my senior year after that. But I did notice a difference. I could get an erection to normal girls and not tgirls. I was very surprised with my progress and felt good. But I still continued to look at it.

Senior year was definitely the hardest one of them all because I went the farthest down the hole. Also my parents got divorced and it was a long process. I was so depressed and always thought my parents would be together forever. So it will always hurt my heart when I think about it. I chose to live with my mom because I realized my father was at fault. That doesn’t mean I don’t still love him though. But in the summer of 2018, I chose to visit my grandparents again who are on my dad’s side by the way. While I was in the bathroom, for the first time I actually masturbated. I will admit it was a great feeling and for those two months I was addicted to it. I did it almost everyday and the novelty effect was much more rapid than just watching porn. So after transwomen, I started looking at crossdressers and even twink porn.

Now I knew there was a problem with myself. I had contracted HOCD (Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I was constantly wondering if I was gay or not. But I have concluded since then that I am indeed not gay and that porn has just deceived my mind. I look back on all my experiences and realize that before porn, I never found transwomen attractive and was only attracted to real females. I want to rewire my brain by abstaining from PMO for the rest of my life.

Everytime I masturbate I feel guilty, depressed, tired, low self esteem, and all of this. I need like 10 hours of rest to get out of bed, I can’t talk to girls, I am not motivated to go to the gym, my voice seems high pitched, I can’t look my mother in the eye, I feel like I have no self discipline, I always think negatively, people don't respect me and I see women as objects. I want to change my outlook on life so much. Life isn’t about sex and videogames. There is so much more to life than this virtual world. I WASTED 6 years of my life on this shit. I think it's time to change by also spending time with people you love and laughter, smiling etc.

To CHANGE, I decided to work out Monday through Friday, only take cold showers, spend less time on electronics, delete my instagram accounts, interact with people in real life more, and lookback on what I have written here today. Because this was the hardest thing I have ever had to write in my life. It made me realize what a waste it has all been.

In the future, I want to be more focused in my college studies, a girlfriend, a good social life, and to be a role model for my future kids. I WANT ALL OF THE SUPER POWERS! Guys thanks for taking the time to read this...I really to appreciate it, if you made it to the end. Please cheer me on and tell me what your goals are.

Porn and masturbation will be something that be removed from my life forever. I am going 90 days and above. Keep up your streaks and this won't hold us down forever! Finding NoFap was a blessing!