My Story of How I Became Addicted to Creepshots

Thank you so much for the support. I appreciate the feedback. I'm also relieved to find that others can relate to this as well. It's a nightmare of an addiction. Worse off, many of us were sucked in without realizing how fucked up the rabbit hole would get. I never tried coke or heroin, even though I've been offered coke and I'm the type that would probably love the shit. I knew I never wanted to be a junkie or a crackhead. I didn't know how fucked up porn would be or even weed for that matter. We need to just keep digging through this shit and reframing our brains so we can rise above this stuff. Proud to call you my bro too buddy.

 

Thanks for backing me up my man. I really appreciate it. You're right, I'm not bragging or sniggering in the least. Having to deal with the shame, remorse, guilt, and self-depreciation that comes with this addiction is beyond ridiculous. I've worked with a therapist for close to a decade now. I've taken psychiatric medication. And now, I've posted a massive journal of everything I can remember about my addiction - hoping to help others. At the end of the day, I'll still have to live with the life I've chosen. I'll never be able to open up to a girlfriend or future wife. I'll never be able to open up to my parents. At some level, this dark secret may eat me alive forever. Psychologists call this feeling "toxic shame." I can relate to this fully.

I think we all need to support each other in this fight. A major reason I posted my story is because there is very little to be found on creepshot addiction. Even with this entire forum, with millions of posts, nobody opens up about it. Maybe they are too ashamed to say anything. Maybe if you are as fucked up as I am, you are just a sociopath, and don't feel any remorse. Thank god for me, neither is true. I've also received a lot of feedback already from guys struggling with this same problem. Some through private messages.

Despite what little information is out there about this particular fetish/addiction, there are millions upon millions of these videos posted online worldwide, so I know others have this problem. Through my research, I've also found that women everywhere get creepshotted all the time and they've posted about this. Luckily, laws are finally being passed to make this type of activity illegal. With the recent advent of smart phones, the law has been slow to catch up with unacceptable, immoral, and unsafe behavior. I hope that laws will be passed soon. I know for me, it would be enough to stop me. I'm guilty of watching illegal creepshot videos, like dressing rooms and upskirts, but it's tough to say no when it's right online. After all, watching these videos publically online isn't illegal that I know of, just taking them is. One time, I peeped a girl in a tanning booth. I thank the lord that I wasn't caught. But, I'm certainly not bragging or sniggering about this. It was a shameful act and I knew I had a problem. I don't want to be a voyeur. I don't even know how I got so far down this rabbit hole. But I can tell you one thing. The day I recognized I had a major problem, I took action on it immediately. It's been about 2 years now, and I still haven't stopped taking action. Through all of this learning, I feel like I've made a lot of progress. Obviously, this last relapse was tough, and I'm going through a lot right now, both with my recovery and in my personal life. But, it feels good to process these emotions and try on new perspectives. I want to get to a good place emotionally for my future wife, kids, family, parents, and everyone I come in contact with. I do express remorse and I want to be a good person. I don't know how long it will take or if it's even possible, but I certainly have the heart to give it my best shot.

The crazy thing is, if you met me, you would have no idea that I have these struggles. On the surface, I'm very clean cut, super nice, super helpful, a good employee, the whole nine yards. I'm kind to people and animals, and I work with the elderly for a living. I show a level of compassion and caring towards people that I hardly ever see in others. It's just amazing what a fucked up past can do to someone. I think hanging with the wrong people is a big factor. I also grew up in a broken home, and my family life was completely fucked. Everywhere I went, I was surrounded by toxic relationships. Throw in the drugs and you have a real recipe for disaster. I had the balls to break from those relationships with bad people, and by working my ass off in therapy, I've healed my relationship with my parents. I've come a long way, and it was extremely difficult along the way.

I'm not easily offended, and I can see that this guy is just misunderstanding the situation. I'm sure he means well and wants to help. But, I have to say that I disagree with what he's saying. We need to support each other and help each other fight this addiction together. There's a lot of people on here that have done fucked up things, but if we genuinely want to be better people, then that should be the evidence that we are genuinely good people at heart.

 

Thank you so much for the support. I appreciate the feedback. I'm also relieved to find that others can relate to this as well. It's a nightmare of an addiction. Worse off, many of us were sucked in without realizing how fucked up the rabbit hole would get. I never tried coke or heroin, even though I've been offered coke and I'm the type that would probably love the shit. I knew I never wanted to be a junkie or a crackhead. I didn't know how fucked up porn would be or even weed for that matter. We need to just keep digging through this shit and reframing our brains so we can rise above this stuff. Proud to call you my bro too buddy.

 

Day 11:

Man, the crisis just continues. I'm going through a lot in my personal life. My recovery is actually going very well. The more I post and comment, the more I shift my perspective. My sex drive is still shot, and this might be helping with recovery, but for some reason, I'm not seeking to act out anymore and escape the stresses of life. I seem to be reframing my brain at a deep level. This is unanticipated and I'm so grateful for it.

So I woke up this morning and my tenant that has a 30-day notice owes me rent - it's the first of the month. I texted him to leave the money on the table, or under my door, or just give it to me when I get home. I was stressing over this all day, wondering what I would come home to.

What I came home to wasn't good. First, no rent check. Second, no roommate. It's nearly 10 PM and he's still not home. I think he is dodging me. Furthermore, my mom did some research and found out that he was evicted in 2016 for not paying rent. He fought it in court for a year until the Sheriff finally removed him.

I went to home depot with my other roommate to get some locks for the doors. I put new doorknobs on my room and his, both with keyed locks. I left the other guy's room without a lock. My roommate said his coworker who is close to my age is looking for a place to stay. This is great news, but until I get this guy out of here, I'm stuck.

I'll have to approach him and request the rental check when I see him. This will be stressful but it needs to be done. If he refuses to pay, I can pretty much accept it as a pending eviction. I already emailed my lawyer about what steps I will need to take moving forward. If he chooses to stay, I might remove his door, take down the blinds and curtains, and shut off the electricity, cable, and wifi to his room. This would be massively uncomfortable, but if he plans on staying for a full year while I fight him in court, I might have to do it. Things may get ugly. I'll just have to work through it as it comes.

I also set up a 9-day vacation for myself in October. I'm really looking forward to this, so I can work on my business and hopefully get some cash rolling in. I certainly need the money. I've also been taking more action and getting back on my feet. Working on my business, going to the gym after work, etc. I'm getting back in the swing of things. I've been working a lot, and I'm exhausted, but I have a 3 day weekend coming up that I am very excited about. We'll see how this affects my recovery. I'm feeling pretty good so far. I can always spend more time on this website, which always seems to be a positive outlet for me.

Anyway, that's my update, and it's looking like another day to add to my streak. I've lost count of the days, so things must be going well. Keep pushing guys. We can overcome this together.

 

Thanks man I appreciate it. For me, going through things in excruciating detail allows me to reflect and change my behavior. Posting about my relapses and withdrawals in detail has helped me work through them and it's helped me tremendously. Even by looking through my journal, you can see that there's less and less relapses and more and more growth with time. I'm doing a lot better now than when I first started my journal.

 

Day

For sure. It's been helping me a lot to keep such a detailed journal, as well as posting and commenting as much as possible. I've felt a major mindset shift and it's helped me immensely with my recovery. I'll continue to journal, post, and comment as much as possible until my mindset is completely shifted and I no longer feel the urge to use.

 

I'm with you. Thanks for the support and encouragement. I look at it like once you're on, you're pretty much on for life. Your testosterone will never return to healthy levels. This is a choice I made and will have to live with. But, for now, I plan on using modest doses at best. No more mega doses, that shit will cause way more trouble than it's worth.

 

Days 12 and 13,

I was extremely busy yesterday in addition to posting and commenting on reply's, conversations, other threads, etc., so I didn't get to update the journal.

Last night was kind of stressful. My tenant didn't pay his rent and didn't come home until 10 PM. I think he was dodging me. I ended up putting a lock on my door so I could feel more comfortable in my home. By the grace of god, he left the rent check on the table around 11 o'clock last night. This was incredibly refreshing. I just hope he finds a place to stay by September 1st.

I stayed free of PMO and no major urges. My sex drive is still shot, so we'll see what happens when it's back in full swing. I'm kind of nervous about this. I've been forcing myself to MO just to keep the pipes clean and keep myself honest, but I honestly have no urge or sex drive right now. Staying clean will be a lot more challenging when my sex drive is back in full swing.

I feel a lot better. Even though I'm exhausted and stressed from my personal and business life, I'm not strung out on internet crack. I'm tired, and sort of lifeless from working so much, but I'm not antisocial or bugging out in any way. I'm also not feeling any major depression, anxiety, or mood swings. I just feel stable. Honestly, I feel fine. This is the way life is meant to be, not feeling like a crazy person, and not acting out in crazy, ridiculous ways. It feels great. It feels like living for the first time. The only other times I've experienced this were when my phone was completely blocked. It's cool to experience this without relying on content blockers. I do feel a major shift in perspective from journaling, commenting, and posting, but also, my sex drive is shot, so this could be a false positive. I pray it's the former more than the latter.

Today, I woke up, cleaned the pipes, worked, and went to dinner with my Mom when I got home. It was a chill day, pretty low stress. I'm exhausted from working so much, but tomorrow I only have a half-day and then I have Monday and Tuesday off, so this will be great to recharge my batteries. I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow. We'll see how recovery goes with 2 days off in a row. I'll have to stay diligent with my recovery.

I haven't been going to the gym, due to exhaustion, but I've put 3 hours into my business over the past 2 days. I'm proud to get back on track with this. Tonight, I'll go over my monthly goals report and make updates accordingly. My August through September goals are to put 40 hours into my business, 20 hours into the gym, and post on nofap daily.

Today is looking like another day added to the streak. I'll keep pushing forward and posting daily. Keep pushing brothers, we can do this together.

 

Day 14:

I woke up this morning and felt a real feeling of peace and contentment. The guilt and the shame is fading away, and despite the crisis I'm going through in my personal life, it feels so great to be clean. Man I wish I could just live the rest of my life like this. It's amazing, because my whole life I've been obsessed with success and personal development. Constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone to be better looking, have a trophy wife, have money, and so on. But, when I'm clean from PMO, I feel completely happy and content. Like I would rather have this than 1 million dollars but be addicted to PMO. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I pray to God that I can stay clean and stay like this forever, and build on it. Maybe I'll always regret my past, and feel guilty and ashamed about it, but I still have a whole future ahead of me that I can feel proud of, feel proud of overcoming this addiction and who I've become.

I went to work today at another building for overtime. A difficult building and a difficult caseload. It was tough. This is my 14th day of working in a row and it's wearing on me big time. The worst of it though was my estrogen went through the roof again. I thought I was finally out of the woods with these hormonal swings, but it's still not over. This is a nightmare. I took around 10mg of letrozole and instantly felt like utter death. Lethargic, achy, and at one point even wondering if I was having a heart attack. Ugh, fuck these drugs. My body can't take it anymore. After this experience, I'm all about health for life. This is terrible. I went home for lunch break and took some Nolvadex and it made the gyno symptoms go away instantly, thank god. I'm starting to feel a little better now after coming home and having a nap. I can't wait to have 2 days off to recharge my batteries.

My roommate invited his buddy/coworker over for some grilling, and we all hung out on the deck. It was great. I really needed this. The cool thing is that this guy might be looking to rent from me soon, and we really hit it off. I would be ecstatic if he moved in. 3 cool roommates, cheap living for all of us. I pray that this will happen. The roommate I want to replace has a 30-day notice in place, and is supposed to be out by September 1st. I pray to god he finds a place and leaves peacefully. If I have to evict him, my life will be a living hell, and it will be extremely hard on me financially.

I just have to stay strong and take things as they come. My roommate and this guy are both into cross-fit, and are encouraging me to take some classes. I'm really looking forward to this to try and get my health on track.

As far as sexual desire and cravings, I've had none. Honestly, I don't know if I can attribute this to the forums, or to my sex drive. My sex drive is literally dead from these hormone fluctuations. Completely dead. I guess I'll just enjoy the good times while they last and focus on recovery. It will be a challenge when my sex drive is in full swing again.

I've had some great conversations on here which has helped me a lot, as has the journaling. If you ever want to shoot me a message and start a conversation, please do. They really help my recovery and supporting each other is the best way to make progress in my opinion. It's almost like SAA without actually having to go to the meetings.

Anyway, it was a great day for nofap, and it's looking like another day of the streak. Stay strong brothers.

 

What I've learned about creepshots

I recently had a conversation with another nofap member and came to a fascinating realization. Being creepshotted can be terrifying for a girl or woman. They are smaller than us. At 5ft 120lbs, being relentlessly followed, stalked, and videotaped by a 5'11" 200lb male can be traumatizing. This is the equivalent of a 6'8" 280lb guy with a 9-inch cock relentlessly following and videotaping you with no remorse. If this happened to me, I would be scared shitless. I would wonder if he knows where I live and would have trouble sleeping at night. I don't want to ever make anyone feel this way, and if I can't control myself, I need to realize that I have a major psychosexual disorder and take action to fix this immediately. I think the more we can objectify this, accept it, and wrap our heads around how disgusting and disturbing this behavior is, the more we can get a grip on these cravings and not even think of behaving this way.

 

You're totally right about the willpower thing. When I started my recovery, I tried using pure willpower and abstinence. I had no idea how tangled my roots were and how deep they ran. It led to relapses and even made the problem worse.

At this point, I chose to block everything. I knew I couldn't stop, so I blocked everything I could. When more got through, I blocked it again. This worked initially. I would go a month without porn, but I'd still be using facebook pictures, softcore youtube stuff, and so on. After a month, my porn seeking mechanism would break the lock and I'd have another relapse. I've even had websites lock me out because they thought I was a computer algorithm. This is how strong an addiction seeking mechanism can be. This went on for around 6-12 months, until finally, I reached a point of no return where nothing more could be blocked without majorly impacting my life.

This is where the cruising in public places got real bad. My brain and body was seeking porn at an instinctive level, like an animal. I wasn't even conscious, just along for the ride. My brain was hacking my body to create it's own porn, to go home and jerk off to it. Like searching an entire house for coke and then sniffing it all. Or searching for stores to rob to buy coke to sniff.

This was my most major relapse. Cruising for 3-4 hours at a time. My addiction had never reached this level. My initial response was to block my phone's camera. I figured, fuck it, I'd rather live without a camera than continue this awful behavior. Unfortunately, my therapist who has the password was out of town for 3 weeks. This is when I started journaling and posting for the first time.

By journaling and posting, this was the first time I actually got in there and tried to dig up these roots. I've learned that with this particular addiction, willpower is actually useless - at least for me anyway. There is simply nothing stopping me from getting to the porn. Not willpower, not content blockers, if I let it escalate, maybe the law wouldn't even stop me. But, by journaling, commenting, conversing, and posting, I'm reframing my brain and urges are going down significantly. I'm changing the way I look at porn, and it's helping with my recovery more than anything so far.

This is different than weed or cigarette addiction. With smoking, there are no real roots involved. Not like with porn anyway. With weed, I took a medication that made me sleepy and hungry, and then just powered through the withdrawal symptoms of quitting. I stayed on this medication for 2 years. Then, I weaned off of it, and here I am clean and sober. I've also quit cigarettes with the patch. 2 weeks on step 1, 2 weeks on step 2, 2 weeks on step 3, and then boom, cravings are over and you go back to your life. Unfortunately, with porn, I haven't seen it work this way.

I plan on journaling, posting, conversing, commenting, and even coaching on here for a long time, maybe even for life. My ultimate dream is to reframe my brain to the point where I have no use for porn and don't even desire to go back to it. I've done this with weed. I don't even want to go back to it. Literally no desire to be high all the time, I like being sober way better. We could smoke a joint right now. I'd get high, and probably enjoy the experience, but the next day I'd go right back to my life like nothing happened. This is what I hope to achieve with porn addiction.

 

A realization I had about porn

When you are in your early teens, you start watching porn, and it starts fucking up your life. You don't know it at the time, but your relationships with your parents are getting fucked up, and you're developing an objectified view of girls.

Then you watch it through your mid to late teens, through high school. It ruins your relationships with girls there. In my case, I never got laid because I was watching porn all the time. The one time I went to lose my virginity - just to say I did it - I couldn't even get hard because of PIED.

Then you go through your early and mid-twenties. You aren't out dating around and trying to find someone compatible for you, because you're watching porn all the time. In my case, the few relationships I found, I fucked them up because I was a sex addict. One girl I tied up, handcuffed, gagged, dressed her up - all kinds of messed up shit. Not that it's wrong to do that stuff, but I was just coming from a bad place. The next girl I got pregnant. The next girl had sexual issues from being raped as a child and I was just way too intense for her because I'm a sex addict. Porn has completely ruined my relationships and dating life in my twenties.

I'm 29, but from what I've gathered, when you continue using porn into your early to mid-30s, you end up completely alone. At this point, the dating pool has dried up. Everyone is getting married, settling down, and having kids. Meanwhile, you are alone, depressed, and stuck in the 9-5 rat race. You're starting to feel the effects of aging, losing your hair, your looks, and so on. Guys in their early to mid-20s are outcompeting you for younger girls and they are more compatible with them too. You're behind on the technology and what's trending, and you're getting left behind.

Then you reach your late 30s and look back at your entire life that was completely wasted from porn. It's over, and there is no getting it back. You had one life, and you took it for granted. All you have to be grateful for are the hundreds of thousands of orgasms you had of videos of one barely legal porn actress after the next.

I'm 29, and I've gone through a lot of this story. I'm determined to get my life back before it's too late. There is so much more to life than meaningless orgasms with videos of whores. If they were real people, it would be better, but still be worthless because you'd be alone in an empty bed at the end of the night. I want a real person next to me. Someone I can share my life with, grow with, and we can support each other. I want to feel the high of real happiness and fulfillment, a high that doesn't even compare to porn and sex addiction. I pray to god I have the strength to overcome this addiction, feel these wonderful feelings, and live a life worth living. I also pray that everyone on here experiences the same. Let's band together and fight this plague together.

 

Day 15

All I can say is just... Wow. This has been such an amazing day so far. I'm on an 8-9 day streak right now, and I'm definitely feeling the effects of no P. I've noticed that when I go to bed, I have a smile on my face. I've worked for 14 straight days now, so I've been irritable, moody, tired, and so forth, so I haven't really seen the full effects of no P.

Today was my first day off in 14 days. I was nervous of how this would go. Previously, I've had bad relapses on days off, spending the entire day acting out - see the early days of my journal for details. But, today has been wonderful. I woke up early after a great night of sleep, got some coffee, and headed to McDonald's for some breakfast. I checked my email and whatnot, and had a nice breakfast. Then, I did my affirmations and visualization to start the day. I went home and took a nice long shower. It felt good to take a nice shower without being rushed. I also stopped at CVS and picked up some nicotine patches. I decided that I don't want to smoke all day on my day off, I'm kind of over it, and I'm out of cigarettes so it just sort of worked out. I haven't used the patch yet, but it will be there when I need it. I plan on following the schedule to a T to wean myself off of cigarettes.

After showering and getting ready, I assumed I would just lay down and be dead for the rest of the day. This is what usually happens after working so much. I just can't move my body or do anything. Today was different though. I attribute it to not fapping and not smoking. I naturally had more energy than I knew what to do with. I actually naturally felt motivated to move my body and just do stuff. What an amazing feeling. I ran the dishwasher, emptied the dishwasher, made a pot of coffee, and did the laundry. I cleaned my entire room for the first time in months. Not only did I clean the whole room, but I organized it too. I finally got rid of all the clutter and the place is spotless. It is literally mind-boggling how clean, organized, and nice my room is, and it literally feels amazing. I'm so happy and content right now. I even changed the sheets and everything. This is so great.

The amazing thing is that usually when I do this, I'm completely exhausted. Even at 10 AM, once the room is cleaned, I'm ready to just tap out for the day. Obviously, with nothing to do and no one to hang out with for the next 12 hours, I relapse into porn. Purely out of boredom. But, by the grace of God, today is different. I'm not tired. I didn't have to force myself to clean and organize everything, it just happened naturally. Now I naturally feel like taking a walk with my Dad, going to the gym, and similar things.

So far so good for day 15.

 

Day 15 continued

It's amazing just how much time there is in a day, and how much you have to do to stay busy throughout the day. It's crazy, because most of my days off have been spent fapping all day, for as long as I can remember.

So after cleaning my room, I went for a walk with my parents. Then we got Chinese takeout and had a nice lunch. After this, I was wiped. I went to lay down and take a nap. Also, I was craving cigarettes like crazy, so I tried the step 2 patch. The nicotine was actually a little stronger than I expected on step two. It kind of put me on my ass. I took a nice nap, but when I woke up, I needed to switch to the step one patch. I had some cravings at first but I'm actually feeling really good right now.

So, I woke up from my nap around 4 PM. Still, a ton of time left in the day. I can understand that the only way to make it through these lengths of time and have something to do is by having people to hang out with. I need to start taking major action in my recovery by joining groups, taking classes, or doing something where I can talk to people. Maybe cultivate a social circle, anything. My only other way of staying busy is to work long hours, but there is only so much you can work before you crash. I recently worked 14 days straight, today being my first day off. At some point, you just can't work anymore, your body won't allow it. I really need to start socializing more and cultivating a social circle.

Luckily, my parents are up for the summer, so I can always spend time with them. Not my first choice of people to socialize with, but it is someone to hang out with and they love spending time with me, so it's a win-win for everyone. Me and my Mom walked to the ice cream place near my house. I got a banana split and it was delicious. Then, me and both my parents went for about an hour-long scenic drive, checking out nice houses, the ocean, etc. It was a really great experience. If this is life without porn, I choose this. I had an amazing day and feel great. To think that I would have been cruising, creeping around, and fapping relentlessly is just crazy, only to feel awful about it at the end of the day. It also feels great to go without cigarettes for the day, because they make you feel like shit in their own way.

Now that I'm home, it's about 8 PM. I'm currently writing this post, and then I'll probably do some work on my online business. Today has been an amazing day for me, and another day of no P.