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My Story of How I Became Addicted to Creepshots

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by ryguyuplift, Jul 28, 2019.

  1. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 16,

    So I woke up today feeling strange. I think I overslept and also I had a step 2 nicotine patch on overnight. I went and got some breakfast, did some visualization and affirmation, and started my day.

    I went to the barber for a cut. On the way, I went tanning at planet fitness. Getting back into tanning is helping my looks and self-confidence. I hope to get back to the gym soon for the same benefits. The cut went very well. My barber even took photos of the cut for his Instagram. This really helped my self-confidence especially with the recent development of scalp folds. It can't be all that bad if my head looks good enough for Instagram, so this is good. Also, I've been using vitamin e oil on my hair, scalp, and face, every night before bed, which is giving me a bit of a glow and making me look younger. This is helping my self-confidence as well.

    After the cut, I grabbed some lunch, brushed my teeth, and went to the dentist. It's the first time I went to the dentist in about 3 years. It actually went well and my teeth are in good health. I scheduled an appointment to get my wisdom teeth out, which I am stoked on. Also, I set up a 6 month follow up for a cleaning. It feels good to be back on track in this area.

    After the dentist, I was dead tired and ready for a nap, but I decided to power through it. I hate being lethargic and tired all the time. I need to just power through these periods and get stuff done, even if I am tired.

    I went on a walk with my dad. It was a good walk, got some good exercise in. It woke me up and I also checked out the prices on kayak rentals. It's only 15 dollars to rent a kayak. This would be a cool date option or just some good exercise.

    When I got back, I decided to check my BP because I've had a headache all day. It was high, like 150/90. This is due to my estrogen levels going through the roof again. I haven't injected testosterone in 2 weeks and I'm still getting insanely high estrogen. It is so frustrating. I needed to take a bunch of letrozol again which barely put a dent in my estrogen levels. This is crazy. I can't wait until this blows over.

    After this, me and my parents checked out a nearby town, walked around, and got ice cream. It was a good time. Kept me busy and got me out of the house. This is crucial in my recovery. This needs to become a lifestyle change for me if I ever hope to stay clean. It's like being on a diet. You need to restructure your life and make it permanent. Staying in my room alone all the time will just continue to ruin my life and lead to more porn addiction. I can't allow this to happen.

    When I got home, I did some research on landlord/tenant law. It wasn't all that hopeful. My lawyer is back from vacation, so I'm hoping to set up a phone call with her in order to get the facts straight about this eviction. I pray to God that he leaves by September 1st, but if not, it's going to be rough times ahead. By the Grace of God, I have another roommate paying me rent, so at least I'll be able to survive moving forward.

    After stressing over the roommate, I caved and bought a pack of cigarettes. I just don't see now being a good time to quit. It's not even possible. I'll just have to keep smoking for now, until a better time to quit. That's life. Maybe I'll journal quitting cigarettes, it should help with that too.

    My recovery is going great, but with my sex drive completely dead, who knows how things are really going. There were hot girls everywhere today, but I didn't feel much. I did notice though that I've been viewing women differently. The hot dental assistants and secretaries, I saw them more as people today. Also, the teens at the park, I noticed that they are teens, and although it's natural to be attracted to them, it's not natural or realistic for a 29-year-old man to be with these girls, so I shouldn't really even think of it. It's certainly unnatural and fucked up to be taking videos of them, and I feel like I'm seeing this with much more clarity now. I feel like a shift is taking place in my brain, which is good.

    Another day for the streak. Peace out brothers.
     
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  2. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Some Notes on Ogling

    Well, for starters, there are some good threads on ogling. Just look through the search bar and see what you can find. Read and comment as much as possible.

    I wouldn't worry so much about peaking for a second, that's pretty normal. It's just staring and making them uncomfortable. I mean, you wouldn't stare at a guy in a wheelchair or someone handicapped and make them feel uncomfortable, it's kind of the same thing, like an invasion of privacy. Obviously, videotaping them and fapping to it is a complete invasion of privacy, so we obviously need to stay away from that at all costs.

    For me, I've just been looking down or looking away. Just a tiny peak, that's all I'll do. I won't turn my head or anything like that. Just a tiny peak, and then look at the ground or basically anywhere besides them, and just move on with life. I think it will take time and reconditioning before I'm completely over it. After all, I've been doing it for decades now.

    I think the more we personalize these women/girls and de-objectify them, the easier it gets. We need to just see them as people and respect their privacy. We need to be polite, have manors, and be real men, not horny porn addicts that drool over them and can't control ourselves.

    Honestly, where does looking and ogling even get you? Nothing good comes of it. You'll forget them 20 seconds later. There's hundreds, upon hundreds of women out there. Can't just stare at all of them. It's not healthy, and again, we literally get nothing out of it.

    I know for me, even creepshotting is useless. The only reason I went out creeping is because everything was blocked from my phone and computer so it was my only real access to porn, but I quickly learned that it's useless and impossible to get good shots. They'll always notice you, it will creep them out, and it will just turn into a giant shit show. You would have to get professionally made spy cams to make it worth your while, and it would still be awkward as fuck because they'd still know you're following them around. Plus, it would eat your soul and you'd have to be on drugs to not see this as a major problem. I know for me, I'm not going down that road. Fuck that. Not worth it in the least.

    I guess you just have to realize it's completely pointless and then just get on with your life and live your life. Yes, there are infinite amounts of attractive women everywhere, but we won't be dating them or being sexual with them, we're not Brad Pitt or some celebrity. It's just not real. Just like porn. Fake. Fiction. Not reality.

    It's time we come back to the real world and realize we're just average guys who will probably be able to count on our hands the girls we get sexual with, and they'll more than likely just be average girls. Like us, average. Forget about staring, videoing, creeping, all that. Nothing comes of it but being a creep. Or worse off, staying in your room for hours or even days fapping uncontrollably. Fuck that noise. I'm over it. We're better than that. Let's just be good, stand up dudes, with self-control. That's what's up.
     
    Reborn16 and Deleted Account like this.
  3. Thanks again!!!
     
    ryguyuplift likes this.
  4. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 17

    Oh my god. My life is a mess right now. My NoFap streak is on fire. This is great, but I have to be honest, my sex drive is completely dead right now. These days almost don't count. I'm still learning and progressing with my recovery, but it's like I'm neutered, so the real challenge will be when it comes back.

    My personal life is nuts right now. I talked to my lawyer and my friend today about this potential eviction coming up. She was very helpful. She didn't bill me for anything and told me I can contact her whenever for any questions I might have. She also recommended some professional lawyers who deal with this type of law regularly and they can offer free consultations and also services. I'll certainly take advantage of the free consultations, and honestly, I'll probably hire a lawyer if it comes down to it. If it gets the guy out of my house quickly, and legally, it's worth it. My main goal is to not break the law in this ordeal because I don't want to get sued and have my life ruined. Unfortunately, renters have "rights" even though they aren't even paying to live with you. My initial instinct is to just have the guy jumped once per week and just harass and blackmail the fuck out of him until he realizes I'm crazy and just leaves. But, I can't risk ruining my career over this, so I need to work with a lawyer and make sure I'm not breaking the law when getting rid of this guy. Again, I pray to God that he just leaves peacefully at the end of the month.

    I could honestly deal with all of this no problem, but what is killing me is my hormones. It has turned into a literal health crisis, and I'm scared that my health is in serious danger. My estrogen is literally out of control, and I can't get it down. Today I took 2 bottles, yes bottles, of aromasin, probably about 5-10mg of letrozol, and 80mg of nolvadex. This is enough drugs to kill a fucking horse. I literally can't live like this. I can accept that I will get gynecomastia and need surgery. It sucks, but it's life. But, taking all of these drugs is literally crazy. The scary thing is my blood pressure. Gynecomastia sucks, but it's not life-threatening. But, if I can't control my BP, I'll have to go to the emergency room and see if they can offer a solution to get it under control. I can't handle these medical costs, so I'm worried to death about this. For now, I'm just going to take it easy on the meds. I'll do 5-10mg of letrozol and 40mg of nolvadex per day and then whatever happens happens. If my BP is really that out of control, I'll go to the ER and get some BP meds. That's going to have to be my plan for now. Ugh, what a fucking shit show. This is literally crazy. I've never dealt with anything like this in my life.

    As far as the rest of the day, it started off decent. Woke up, ate, visualized, went to work. Then my estrogen went crazy and I took an absurd amount of drugs. Still couldn't get it under control. Then, the drugs make me lethargic as all hell, and it just ruins my day completely. I was able to work up the energy to work on my business for an hour, but I can't see myself working out right now. I feel like I've been poisoned. Also, luckily I was able to talk with the lawyer and make some progress in that area.

    What a day. What a shit show. Another day to the streak though. This might be the longest streak I've ever done to be honest. Just gotta keep fighting and pray to God that all this blows over.
     
    Deleted Account and need4realchg like this.
  5. “Jump him once a week “

    I am dying laughing at your honesty. Ya just so refreshing.

    Bro u seem to have to do a lot of steroids/meds. Why?
     
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  6. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    I took way too much testosterone and I'm getting raped with estrogen. Testosterone converts to estrogen which can cause gynecomastia, high blood pressure, etc. I'll never do it again believe me.
     
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  7. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 18,

    What a long day. I woke up at 6 which was nice. Allowed me to get to work early which I always strive for. I ate some breakfast, visualized, and started my day. I got to work early, and this was lucky because my schedule was very busy. I did well and finished treating at 3 o'clock, giving me time to write notes and take care of paperwork. I also put an hour into my online business which is great. Consistency is key here.

    Last night I had a genius idea. Since my blood testosterone levels are so high, and my BP is high, I should donate a bag of blood to see if I can lower these levels. It can't hurt. So after work, I set up an appointment to donate.

    Miraculously, it seemed to have worked. My hematocrit was high, which could have been contributing to the high BP. Also, I feel so much better now. I think I lowered my blood levels quite a bit. Man I hope this blows over.

    After donating blood, I drove quite a ways to pick up some letrozol and nolvadex. This keeps me prepared if the estrogen goes crazy again. I stopped to get some food and I stopped at the grocery store. I just got home and I'm exhausted. Left the house around 6:30, didn't get back home until around 9. Long fuckin day, but I got a lot done.

    As far as recovery, my sex drive is shot, but I still feel like I'm progressing. Spending hours and hours on here is rewiring my brain. This is key for me. My goal is to completely rewire what the porn has wired into me. This includes objectifying women, staring at them, feeling power over them, and so on.

    The more I learn from this website, the more I see porn for what it really is. I equate it to crack or heroin. Let me explain. This stuff makes married men cheat on their wives, seek escorts, ruin their marriage and family, get divorced, even start sucking dick and changing their gender identities. Crack or heroin don't even do that. This stuff is horrible. For one, if anybody told me this ahead of time, I never would have looked. Not even once. For two, even if I was fully addicted to crack or heroin, I would still quit. Why? Because I refuse to live my life like a crack head. Life is way to short for that. I choose to help people, not be a scumbag. I choose to be a good person. I choose to live a life of love and fulfillment, not addiction.

    I'll continue reading and contributing to this forum for the rest of my life if I have to. This forum has changed my life. It has cured my boredom and given me an outlet instead of searching for porn. It has helped me heal and rewire my brain. it has helped me contribute to others. I'm so grateful for this forum and to anyone who has contributed to it. You guys are truly my brothers.

    Another day to the streak. Another day of freedom. Another day of happiness. Another day of contribution. Fuck having it any other way.
     
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  8. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Days 19 and 20

    So yesterday I didn't get a chance to post. From what I remember, there wasn't anything crazy to write about. I had a tough day at work and was utterly exhausted and couldn't even post.

    Today was actually a pretty good day. I woke up early and well rested, which always leads to a great day. I grabbed some coffee and breakfast, visualized, showered, and went to work. I got to work early, which was great. Also, my caseload was pretty easy, and it was a pretty chill day which was much needed. I provided a lot of value and helped a lot of people which felt great.

    Superpowers were out of control today. I haven't even been masturbating due to my lack of sex drive, so maybe this had something to do with it. Or just being well rested. I had an amazing joke or comeback for everything and my wit was amazing. My crush was working today and we got along really well. I think I may have triggered some attraction with her today, which was awesome.

    I worked on my business for 2 hours after work, which left me exhausted. Unfortunately, I didn't make it to the gym, which kind of sucked, but I got a lot done today, so I'm happy.

    Thank the lord that my estrogen was in check today. Omg this was life changing. I feel so much better. Thank you Jesus it felt so good to not get smashed with estrogen today. Amazing. Life changing.

    I also have some more clarity with the roommate situation. I've accepted that if he stays, and I have to evict him, it's out of my control. Honestly, he has the upper hand, because it would cost time, money, and resources to sue him. Also, I don't want to get into a battle with him, because I have a lot more to lose. It's just not worth it. I have to accept that if I evict him, it will go on his record and make his life difficult in many ways. These are the consequences he will have to deal with. I'm ok with that. I'll survive as long as he doesn't fuck my house up. I think if I'm civil about things I should be ok. If he fucks the house up, I might come after him, just for divine justice. But this is hypothetical. There's no reason to believe he will do anything crazy. His room is a shithole, but honestly, I'll just have to live with it until he's out. There is only so much I can do.

    Another 2 days to the streak thanks to all of the love and support from everyone on here. Thanks guys.
     
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  9. Man you have so encouraged me. Today I felt clobbered my spirit took a beating.

    I love how you talk about spending time in your business. I want to do that. How do you set up time to do that ??
     
  10. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    The one thing I’ve learned about business is that it’s simple but not easy. Just write a book, publish YouTube content, create a product, trade mark it, and what have you. Anyone can do this stuff. It just takes time.

    But here is the hard part. How do you invest 300-400 hours this year into your business? Especially if you are like me and already working overtime, plus under tremendous financial and personal stress? If it’s easy for you to do that, congrats, you’ll be rich as fuck and quitting your day job within a couple of years. If you’re like me and find it extremely difficult, it’s going to take a lot of learning and self development to get to this level.

    There is a lot to this question. Way more than I can write in one post on my phone, but I’ll do my best to shed some light here.

    When I started, I had trouble investing any time into this process. But I’ve learned that all it really takes is time. If you put the time in, it will grow. So I started tracking my hours. My goal was 20 hours per month. I tried mornings, evenings, adjusted my sleep schedule, and so forth. I failed over and over again but stayed persistent and continued to make adjustments. Eventually I was able to create a habit of putting about 1 hour per day in directly after I’m done working. Now that it’s habit, I feel pulled to do it and don’t really have to force myself too. I’m tired and burnt out after work. You can’t let this feeling win, you just have to overcome it. You’ll know when you physically can’t do anymore, and that’s when you wrap up for the day. But it’s all about consistency. 1 hour per day for 40 days ends up being the equivalent of a full time work week. Do this 4 times and you get the equivalent of a month. Repeat this 12 times and you get a year. You should be able to make money with that amount of time invested, but it may take years. Maybe even 5-10 years. So you have to ask yourself if you really want to put this time in.

    What drives me to put this amount of time in? It gives me purpose. It gives me something to focus on and stay busy with. It gives me an outlet to provide value. It gives me a dream to work towards. A dream of passive income, quitting corporate America, being my own boss, and being in control of my own destiny. I also feel more control over my life because the more I master the skills of online business, the more financially secure I will be regardless of what is happening with the economy and my personal life. I enjoy working on this business and I’m passionate about it. I work hard to afford gyno surgery, pay off my loans, time and resources to find a wife and a great relationship, time and resources to protect myself like in the eviction situation I’m currently going through, time and resources to just take a day off and enjoy the weather, instead of wasting my life in a box like a factory worker. Essentially, I have a lot of why’s. This is just a tiny snap shot of my whys, the tip of the iceberg. This is what drives me.

    It really just comes down to your physical work capacity, which can be improved by exercise. But more importantly, it’s the intangibles. You have to overcome thousands of mental road blocks along the way. An easy example is nofap. When I have superpowers, I’m a god. When I am deep in the evil slime of addiction and immoral behavior, there’s no chance of success.

    The more I work on business, the more spiritual I become. What I’ve learned is you can’t play God. You can’t have success and happiness if you’re a scumbag. It’s only there if you provide value to others. When you learn this at a deep level, creating success is easy. All you do is provide massive amounts of value. Post on here, help others, leave positive reviews, anything you can do to provide value, and nature provides value automatically. If you understand and respect the laws/rules of nature/God, nature will like you and treat you well. Like getting along with anybody. To get on her good side you have to appreciate her, can’t talk shit about her, can’t take advantage of her. But, if you are an unruly asshole and treat her like a prick, she’ll get pissed, and you’ll feel the wrath of God. Believe me.

    Anyway, that’s just a tiny snapshot of what goes on in my head regarding business. It takes a lot of self development and learning. Overcoming mental roadblocks, staying persistent, and so forth. Much of this is written about extensively in “The Psychology of Achievement” by Brian Tracy and “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill, as well as numerous other books. There’s a lot to it, which is why so much is written about it.

    But ya I guess that’s my way of saying that setting up the time is simple but not easy. Like, how do you look like a Greek god? Just eat clean and train 2 hours a day. Easy right? Not exactly.

    Thanks for checking out my journal and supporting me in this journey brother.
     
  11. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Days 21 and 22,

    Wow, day 22 since nofap. This is crazy. I've made so much progress and I can't even believe it. Just read my first week of posts and you'll see what I mean. I thought it was over, but I kept fighting and by the grace of God I pulled myself out of it. I want to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for supporting me in this journey thus far.

    I've been extremely busy and haven't had much time to post, but I have a lot to touch on, so let's get to it.

    Yesterday was a great day. I had the day off from work, which is rare for me. I woke up well-rested, had coffee and breakfast, visualized, and started my day. I went to the gym for the first time in ages. The blood donation really helped me out and got me back on track with my health, and my hormones have been much more stable since then. I tanned, did some cardio, and lifted. I also changed up my workout program and it's going really well.

    After the gym, I had family over for a cookout. It was a great time. I caught up with my cousins, aunts, and uncles, and played with their little kids for a good 5 hours. It was exhausting but very fulfilling and a lot of fun. I really love kids. I get a taste of what it feels like to raise kids and help them grow their confidence, intelligence, and self-esteem. I honestly can't wait to have kids. I can imagine it being life's most rewarding experience.

    After the cookout, me and my parents went to see the fireworks in my town, right on the water. It was great.

    I got home late, and was exhausted. I promptly went to sleep.

    This morning was stressful. I slept in and woke up late, exhausted still. I grabbed some food and coffee, visualized, and showered. I hate to go into my roommates' room, because it smells horrible and it's hard to stomach. Also, the smell lingers on my clothes and it's really disturbing. However, there has been an increasing number of ants in my house, so I sort of reached a breaking point and had to go into the room.

    In the room, there were month old dirty dishes, an overflowing trash can, and a bunch of empty cans, many of them alcohol. I took out the garbage, cleaned up the dishes, and sent a text to my roommate to please keep this under control until the end of the tenancy. It took a lot of balls to do this, almost to the point where it was traumatizing, but it needed to be done.

    This stressed me out a lot. I was late for work and man the stress I felt all day was enough to kill me. Luckily, I caught a break. I got in contact with a lawyer who specializes in evictions. She's actually one of the top lawyers in this area. In our free consultation, she got me on track. Unfortunately, going into his room is actually against the law, and I've also broken some other laws too, but not too bad. All in all, she'll be able to get rid of him quickly if things end up going to court. Essentially, if he wants to go to court with this, I'll hire her and fuck his ass until he's out.

    It's not all sunshine and rainbows though. The lawyer charges a flat rate of $1,000. Also, I didn't put the security deposit in an interest-bearing account with his name on it, so he can counter sue me for 3x that amount, or $3,600. So, worst case, I'll have to come up with 5k to get out of this situation. This may sound crazy, but I'm actually relieved. I'll gladly pay 5k to have him out within 2 months. His last eviction case lasted 18 months. No thank you.

    I honestly think he'll leave. Pray to God he does. But, I look at it like this. If he's in the game (he's a paralegal), he knows that I have lawyers on my side. All of my legal documents have been professionally written and I keep very strict documentation. I think he knows that if he takes this to court he'll be gone quick, and it won't be worth having the eviction on his record and credit report. Also, we seem to be getting along ok. Things haven't escalated at all. I've been stern, but very respectful, polite, and professional towards him. He's also been pretty good about following the rules and staying out of my way. I pray that this blows over soon, but I'm not out of the woods yet, not even close. I gotta play a full 60 minutes here.

    Now I want to touch on some nofap topics.

    I haven't felt as much of an urge to masturbate, which is a strange feeling that I've never felt before. I've been waking up with boners, and just sort of dealing with them. Like, they are annoying and in my way, but I don't feel like I need to masturbate. Granted, if my sex drive was higher, I certainly would need to. But, on a brain-chemistry level, I'm not looking for that fix.

    Another weird thing happened yesterday morning. I woke up with a boner and masturbated. While I was masturbating, I literally wasn't able to think dirty thoughts. It was very strange and something I've never felt before. I've experienced the same thing when looking at hot girls in the gym. Like, the really dirty and kinky thoughts that used to go through my head, they don't anymore, and even if I attempt to think of them during masturbation, they just don't do it for me. Very strange experience. I think this is from rewiring my brain on a deep level. I've been going hard. Spending hours daily on rewiring my brain. I think I'm starting to see results.

    Another interesting thing that happened. I saw this girl at the gym. Incredibly fit. Rather than thinking dirty sexual thoughts, I found myself appreciating her body. Almost like if I looked at a super fit and jacked guy, I wouldn't think sexually about it, I would just appreciate all the hard work he's done, his genetics, and so on. I would basically admire this about him and his body. I felt the same way when looking at this girl and others. I believe this is from the work I've done to de-objectify and personalize women. I'm thinking thoughts, seeing perspectives, and feeling feelings that I've never felt before in this area.

    Another thing I've noticed by looking at women in a non-objectifying way, is the way they dress. I can see that they are dressing for attention. I don't really know how to explain this. Like, instead of drooling over them, losing control, going into my addictive mind, trying to film them and masturbate to it, or even just staring at it to get a sort of sexual drug hit, like looking at porn, I'm just looking at them like regular people who are seeking attention, or just dressing well to look fashionable. I think of it like this. Staring at these girls is just like staring at porn. Even if you don't masturbate, you can still get a dopamine rush just by staring at porn. Doing this in the real world is no different. By rewiring my brain, personalizing women, and resetting my brain through long streaks, I'm less interested in engaging in this type of behavior.

    The next thing I want to go over is rather disturbing. It's my past behaviors catching up to me. One of the girls I filmed at the mall a few weeks ago, she goes to my gym. I haven't seen her yet, but it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. I was pretty aggressive when filming her and made some bold moves to get her face in the shot. Looking back from where I'm at now, it's beyond fucked up that I was even engaging in this sick and disturbing behavior. It's very disturbing to even relive this experience. It makes me sick to think that she might remember me and see me at the gym. This would be so weird and awkward. This is another reason I will never engage in this behavior again.

    I've talked about it before, but a major reason I went out cruising and creeping malls and other public areas is because all of the porn was blocked on my phone and laptop. However, my addicted brain wasn't rewired. This caused me to seek porn in any way possible, even if it meant cruising public areas for hours. What I learned though, is even with an addicted brain, I'll never do this shit again. Here's why. It's impossible for them to not know what you are doing and feel creeped out. Hell, even if you were just following them and not filming, this is creepy as fuck and they would know it. I refuse to make women feel this way. Luckily, and for once it feels like, this is a moral boundary I will not cross. I thank God for this. The only way to mitigate this would be to purchase hidden spy cams and I refuse to go down that road. It's even more fucked up. It's incredibly disrespectful and dishonest. Even if I did, I'd still be the guy who's walking around the mall 3 hours per day. Not acceptable, and God forbid somebody I know sees me there. Furthermore, people would obviously notice you are there all the time following girls around. Fuck that. I won't do it. Therefore, that type of behavior is out of the question.

    Wow, even reliving these experiences brings up some very dark emotions. I need to get as far away from that dark place as possible and never look back. It just reinvigorates my drive to keep pushing myself to rewire my brain and extend this streak. Damn, it gives me the hebe jeebies. To think that I was actually engaging in this behavior and watching porn all the time! What the fuck! I can't even believe it sometimes. What a dark place I was in. Dark, dark, dark. It sucks because none of us knew how fucked up this stuff was when we got into it. I'll give myself a pass on that one. But now I know porn for what it really is and I'm done with that shit. It really needs to be illegal and I mean that wholeheartedly.

    Kind of a side note, my cardio is shit. The brain and body are connected, and honestly, my brain feels tired all the time. Like chronic fatigue. I need to focus on cardio and get my ass in shape so I can be more energetic and enjoy life to it's fullest. Maybe my brain is burnt out from years of drug and porn use. Regardless, cardio and recovery need to be my main focus to turn this around.

    So that's my recap of the last 2 days. Another day to the streak. Man, I'd be the happiest guy in the world to hit 30 days. This is crazy. Thanks for reading and supporting me brothers.
     
  12. Love reading your journal man. The emotions behind our actions is always the scary, sad, reality that we hate to face.

    I am learning a little about how to be a tenant too. Your letter was awesome.

    This was a huge eye opener to me. No success and happiness being a scumbag. I love this line “you can’t play god.” Wow. It made me ask myself If I think I am a mini-God in a sense. Setting my own course and destiny or am I obeying a God. Which: a god or God?


    I am trying to ask myself if I am a scumbag.

    Also I love the idea of 1 hour a day in my own business.

    Do you set an hour up? Like 6:00? Or how ??
     
  13. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    So as far as the tenant thing. This is what I would recommend. Find the top eviction lawyer in your area and work with them to set up the lease, rules, and so on. This way you are fully protected in the case of an eviction. Also, you'll have this lawyer on hand to remove them by law if you need to. This lady I found gets people the fuck out for a flat rate of 1k - very valuable resource. Also, background check everybody. I don't care if they look like they're the perfect fit, background check them. They could be full of shit, have evictions on their record, or have poor credit. No smokers, no pets, no bad credit. My guy used to have his kids over on weekends and it was a terrible idea. I ended up telling him he couldn't do that anymore which come to find out is against the law because he has rights. I know its fucking stupid. They have all the rights, remember that and protect yourself at all costs.

    Also, hang out with them 2-3 times before getting them on board. Micro analyze them. Look in their car. Is it clean? I guarantee you there is a 1-1 correlation between how their car looks and how the inside of their living space looks. In my case, my tenant said he was a lawyer, he's not. Quick background check would have confirmed this. My next tenant, I'm checking their most recent pay stub to see who they work for, what they do, and what they make. Can't be nice bro, you'll get burned. If you're going to be a landlord, you need to execute full dominance and control, it's just part of doing business. Also, my guy trashes his room, to the point where I now have ants in my house. Gotta be insanely selective when it comes to this stuff or you'll pay the price. Next guy I let in: leases and rules drawn up by top eviction lawyer, sitting down and reading rules thoroughly, setting the tone that I'm not fucking around and I'll kick his ass out and sue the shit out of him if he fucks with me, basically making him feel afraid and uncomfortable right out the gate, be feared and loved, not just loved, also background checking THOROUGHLY. Even if he's a referral from my current roommate and a cool guy, I'm not fucking around.

    For me, I used to wonder if I was a mini-god. I suppose we are mini gods because our thoughts and actions dictate what God ultimately gives to us or takes from us. However, in my opinion, there is a God. Call it omnipresence, infinite intelligence, the superconscious mind, karma, God, whatever, it's out there and dictating your life. I've recently learned how to use this power for good, unlike my past.

    As far as putting time into the business. I tried a lot of things. Mornings, nights, and so forth. Ultimately you need to find what works for you but you just need to put the time in one way or the other. I was having success staying at the office after work and working on it, even working on the clock sometimes during downtimes, but there are too many distractions. What works better for me now is to just lay in my bed after work and work on my laptop. It's like the gym, going there is a bitch and you don't know how you'll do it, but once you are doing a few sets, you won't even want to leave. It's the same way on the business. Once I lay down and start working on it, it's really not that bad. Right now my problem is I'm putting in so much time and work on this forum that it's taking time away from the business. I know that to take things seriously and get this business off the ground, I should really put the pedal to the medal and just put 3 hours per day into it and drop everything from my life. No working out, no forums. I may do this, but my recovery is also important, so now might not be the best time to do this.

    Also, keep in mind, I worked my way up to this. My first month of setting a 20 hour per month goal, I put 2 hours in. Now my goal is to do 40 hours per month. You just need to stay persistent and keep making improvements. The ultimate goal for me though is to just get the time in one way or the other. It's hard though, because you need to sacrifice other things that you care about.
     
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  14. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Days 22 and 23,

    So, this journal is becoming extremely time-consuming. Don't get me wrong, putting the work in is helping my recovery tremendously. Honestly, I should keep working on it, but my instant gratification mechanism wants to move on to other things like working on my business. I know that to get this business off the ground, I really should be putting 3 hours per night into it. However, this forum ends up taking hours of my time. Journaling, posting, replying, and so on. I'll try and strike a happy medium by putting work into both areas. Business is hard because you need to sacrifice a lot. I want to just stop working out and just go all out on business, but in the short term this sucks because I don't get that self-confidence boost from getting bigger, thicker, and looking better. It's a tough compromise.

    Yesterday, I was on a hot streak. Superpowers were beast mode. I worked a full day, and then literally worked on my business until I shut my eyes and went to bed. I saw that if I can do this for a week straight, I can make a quantum leap in my business.

    Today, I worked, went to the gym, and now I'm on the forum. Hopefully, there will still be at least an hour to put into the business after this. I want to start getting to bed earlier, up earlier, to work earlier, out earlier, and then just go seek and destroy mode on this business to try and make some progress. The superpowers are amazing though. I'm working a ton of hours, plus working out, plus the business, and it's honestly no big deal. No depression, no exhaustion. Superpowers are amazing. It hurts to think what I could have accomplished without porn in my past. It sucks to have lived my whole life without this inherent ability. At least I'm only 29 and have my whole life ahead of me with these superpowers if I'm willing to put the work in.

    Now for some realizations.

    I've learned that at a very deep identity level I learned at a young age that porn is completely ok and normal. That it's no big deal. I think this has been the major turning point in my recovery. I simply could not stop because on a surface level, I knew it was a problem, but there was always that belief deep down that it's only a problem if you are watching super hardcore fetish stuff. Like, softcore isn't a problem, and porn isn't a problem, it's only a problem if you are engaging in problematic sexual behavior. Well, I've shattered this belief. Porn is a huge fucking problem. Why aren't people recognizing this? Just look at my journal from the very beginning. Superpowers vs a potential criminal record. Porn has lead me to problematic sexual behavior in many ways, as well as suck the life out of me and hold me back from everything I hold dear to me. It's literally just as bad as crack or heroin, if not worse. This shit is fucking terrible. If I knew how bad this stuff was, I never would have even LOOKED. And now that I know how bad it is, I won't fucking look. It's not worth it. I pray to God that when my sex drive comes back I'm not hooked for life. My life is so so SO much better without it. I never want to go back.

    Another thing I realized is that fapping used to be my outlet for being exhausted at the end of a long day or a long week. Almost like an alcoholic who starts hitting the bottle at the end of a long workday or on the weekend. As soon as I would get home, I'd crash out and PMO for hours. This just led to even more exhaustion. As a matter of fact, nothing leads to more exhaustion than PMO - period. Again, the stuff is terrible, and I refused to be chronically exhausted over a crack hit. Lately, I've been coming home from work or spending weekends doing productive things, like going to the gym, socializing, or working on my business. No wonder my life was fucked, I was completely neglecting gym, socializing, and working on my business just due to time constraints. You can't put time and energy into these areas if all your time goes into PMO and then you are chronically fatigued after. Again the frustration of these realizations is incredible. Like, why did nobody teach me this? Porn literally needs to be illegal. When I have kids, all of their devices will be locked like a safe in Ocean's 11.

    Another realization is that without porn, you have to work a bit for an orgasm. Like, it's not just handed to you. With edging, you're barely masturbating - most of the pleasure is in your brain. With regular MO, you have to work a bit. You need to actively use your imagination and pleasure yourself, not let the screen do it for you. We live in a world where everything is handed to us, even orgasms. It's honestly pathetic. Nothing worth having is given to you, it takes work. Why not work for something as basic as an orgasm?

    Another realization is that early in my recovery I was having urges to MO, PMO, and even cruise. If you've been keeping up with this journal, you know that I'm on a steroid cycle gone wrong and my sex drive is DEAD. This is helping my recovery, but here is the weird thing. Even though it was dead at first, I still would relapse and look at porn, cruise and take creepshots, and MO. The urges were still coming from my brain, not my dick. Now, it's still dead, but I don't look at porn, certainly don't cruise, and now I haven't even been masturbating nearly as much. Like once every 2-3 days which for me is mind-blowing. My urges have also significantly gone down for staring in public, which again is new and strange for me.

    Last realization for the night. Staring in public. Staring in public gives you a dopamine release just like looking at porn does. We've trained ourselves to stare at girls and get a sexual high out of it. We trained ourselves through porn. Now, it has fucked with our lives because we stare at girls in public and act like creeps. Obviously, I've struggled with this incredibly. Luckily, the more I rewire and reframe my brain, as well as put long streaks together, I don't feel as much of an urge to ogle these girls. This is huge for me.

    I have a lot more to write about, and I probably will. It's a balance. Some days I will need to put the pedal to the medal with business, but right now, recovery is very important for me long term. So, I suppose I will continue to go to town on this journal and forum in general and hit it hard with recovery so I can continue with these superpowers for life. Nofap is the foundation. Nofap is everything. I literally love nofap and love this community. Another day to the streak. Keep fighting brothers.
     
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  15. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 24,

    Another good day in the books. This crisis seems to be blowing over and I'm getting back to life as usual. My tenant needs to be out in just over 2 weeks. I have a lawyer ready to go if he won't leave. I'm still making money from my other tenant and I've been working overtime. I'm exhausted from working so much, but at least I'm somewhat on track financially. I've been working out again and making some great gains. Feeling great about my body. My health is complete shit though, so I need to get this handled. I want to be healthy, not just look good and die at 50, fuck that. I'll work on this. My estrogen is somewhat in check. I still need to take letrozol daily which sucks. It's extremely unhealthy and makes me kind of feel like death, but at least I'm not taking lethal dosages like I was. I'm going to town on my online business, which I've been trying to get on track with all year. And I'm posting daily on this forum. Things are going pretty good right now.

    Today I woke up early, 5 AM, and wasn't really tired enough to take a nap, so I just stayed up. I got some stuff done around the house, and put an hour into the online business before even leaving for work. This was clutch. Then I got to work early and got out early. It was a tough day of work, but I was in and out. Then I went to the gym and got a great workout in, and a great post-workout meal with a lot of calories. I'm still smoking cigarettes at the end of the day, but I'll have to address this later on. Baby steps.

    Now I'm posting on here to kind of unwind, then I'm going to make a push for another 2 hours into the business. It's amazing how hard I've been working. Nofap is like rocket fuel. Don't get me wrong, I'm tired, but I'm capable of handling these workloads. Something that would be impossible with porn.

    Overall, things are going good. I'm not staring or ogling nearly as much. My brain and perspective feels much healthier. Another day to the streak.
     
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  16. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    A drug you've never heard of:

    A friend introduces you to this drug, do you take it?

    The positives:
    - It makes you feel complete and utter ecstasy.
    - It makes all of your pain and problems go away.
    - It puts you in a world where you can have sex with millions of young women at the click of a button.
    - It's free.
    - Everyone is doing it.
    - It's legal.
    - Nobody considers it a big deal.
    - It's completely private and nobody knows you are doing it.
    - It's fun, novel, and exciting.

    The negatives:
    - It's more addictive than cigarettes, heroin, crack, and methamphetamine.
    - It instantly leaves you with a hangover of guilt, depression, and remorse. This can last for days or in worse cases a lifetime.
    - It makes you feel completely and utterly exhausted and fatigued. This lasts for days or even weeks.
    - It leads to bizarre sexual fetishes, leading you to be attracted to transvestites, underage children, and even changes your sexual identity.
    - It causes immediate erectile dysfunction. As long as you are taking this drug you will be impotent. This can last days, weeks, or even months.
    - It causes clinical depression, destroying your relationships with everyone you come in contact with, and destroying your career.
    - It causes extreme social anxiety, causing you to isolate yourself from the world.
    - It alienates you from women, leading you to stay a virgin well into your 20s or even 30s.
    - It destroys your ability to have loving relationships with the opposite sex, your family, your freinds, and your children.
    - It leads to sexual interactions with escorts.
    - If you get caught, you will be shamed, excommunicated, and charged as a sex offender.

    Why couldn't someone show me this list before introducing me to this drug at 12 years old? Why are we allowing our children, the future of our society to be taking this stuff at as young as 8 years old? These are questions we need to ask ourselves moving forward. Cure yourself of this plague so you can help others cure themselves of this plague. Band together so we can fight this plague and eradicate it forever.
     
  17. Only disagreement is it doesn’t “immediately” cause pied ... but still good.
     
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  18. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 25,

    Kind of a rough day. Estrogen is starting to spike uncontrollably again and I have to admit, it's bringing me down. Might be months until all of this testosterone is out of my system. I've been peppering letrozol throughout the day and this seems to be helping, as opposed to taking large doses all at once. This is so unhealthy though and ugh I just feel terrible. The incredibly valuable lesson though is to value my health at all costs. When all of this blows over, I'm going on a mission to be as healthy as I can possibly be. Health is truly priceless.

    Work was, well, work. No major updates there. Went tanning after work which helps my looks. My looks are honestly pretty good right now. Nice hair, nice body. However, I have to wear glasses now because I've been suffering from dry eye. Probably from the hormone fluctuations to be honest. It's amazing how many side effects come with this shit, at least for me anyway. Also, my gyno is getting worse and it's really demoralizing. I really need to set up a separate savings account and just start saving for the surgery. It would be life-changing.

    At least I'm not on porn. As bad as things are, it's nothing compared to being hooked on that garbage. I'm on a 20-day streak and honestly, it's all that matters right now. If I stay clean, I'm set for life. I may set up qustodio (a content blocker) on my phone soon to see what I can get out of it. It might help block even more content. Unfortunately, the iPhone's blockers suck and there are workarounds. Maybe this app can seal the deal. My laptop is blocked with qustodio and literally, nothing slips through the cracks, which is life-changing.

    Just an exhausting day overall, but another win for the streak.
     
  19. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Quick Journal Before Bed:

    I'm pretty stressed out right now. Blood pressure is high, can't seem to get it down. I'll have to wait for the hormones to leave my system before I can attempt to lower it. Might need to lose some weight too. I'm not sure if having high blood pressure is worth it to me to be big. Might just go for a more athletic look.

    So my roommate/tenant just approached me and it was pretty awkward. He was drunk. Stumbling, slurring, and so forth. He was pissed about the whole situation, but mostly that I entered his room (without notice) and cleaned his garbage, old dishes, and whatnot. I get where he's coming from. I invaded his privacy and ultimately overstepped my bounds. I can be a real prick if you cross me and unfortunately, he crossed me. He was worried that he wouldn't get his security deposit back. I assured him he would. I also told him I'd hook him up with a positive reference and help him in any way with the move. He wants out as bad as I want him out which is honestly a good thing, albeit stressful for both of us.

    I understand I offended him. Honestly, when I found out that he wasn't really a lawyer and had an eviction record, I kind of got scared that he'd try and stay put in my house, or worse, fuck the house up to spite me. I'm still worried about this. In response, I put the pedal to the metal and made him feel extremely uncomfortable. Made him feel like this wasn't the place for him and it won't be the place for him. Also tried to make him feel like if he fucked with me that he would feel the wrath of God over it. I think I got my point across. Probably scared the shit out of him and ultimately offended him. I certainly feel bad about it, but at the end of the day he needs to realize that he lied to get into my house and ultimately is responsible for anything that transpired. He'll never understand this and I realize that, so I make sure to keep playing the game. Let him feel like a victim and apologize. Let him think that I still think he's a lawyer. Man, it will be amazing when all of this blows over. 2 more weeks.

    A lot of crazy times and a lot of learning over this experience. Just have to learn from it and be a better person over it. I really feel for the dude. His life is a mess. I just wish I did a 2-minute background check and prevented all of this. For that, I'm ultimately responsible.

    Tough times. I'll get through it though.
     
  20. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    I just did some research and it looks like qustodio has an action where you can block apps on your phone. I’m optimistic but skeptical. I’ll have to give this a try. Qustodio has been lights out on my PC for content control.
     
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