My Story and Emergency Thread

Discussion in 'Rebooting' started by looking, Dec 28, 2016.

  1. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

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    ---My Story: A Recap---

    Hello everyone, I just PMO'd for 4 hours.

    I have been away from this forum for a while.

    The day I joined, April 16th, 2014, marks the day I started really trying to quit PMO. That was the day I finally decided that I disliked PMO. However, trying to quit over the past two years has left me in constant regret and pain as I fail over and over again, seemingly to no end.

    I have been miserable almost every step of the way. There have been bright spots - my longest streak was 30 days and I have seen a good number of 7 day streaks, even some 10-15 day streaks. It was during these days that I started to regain some hope and feel like there was some chance that my life could be good again. 18 years old now, I have not felt consistently good in 4 years since I got addicted to PMO. My addiction to PMO, as I have said in many old threads on this forum that I made when I first came on here, was motivated by a serious incident - I had testicular torsion and had to have one testicle removed. This made me see myself as less than everyone else around me, I was 14 when it happened and had no idea how to deal with it. It also happened right after I really started examining my life and trying to be the best I could be.

    I felt it was fate telling me to give up, that I could never be anything.

    After my body healed up for the most part, I turned to porn to mend my feelings of inferiority and damnation. Little did I know it could be dangerous.

    After the addiction took hold, I started experiencing a range of symptoms, that, combined with the torsion, turned me into a complete mess of a hypochondriac. As that weighed on me for many months, I fell apart. My mental state deteriorated to where it is now over a period of years...I experience extreme depression, anxiety, some hypochondria (which was partly alleviated by me being able to be mostly consistent in exercising every day), and pretty significant OCD. All of this is self-diagnosed but I can rarely escape from these symptoms, they do inhibit me in my daily life, and it's been this way for 4 years now, so I have little doubt that they exist.

    I have regressed farther in life than I ever thought that I could have. When I'm not a decent streak, all my body basically reacts to is PMO. I relapse/edge for 3-4 hours fairly often as I deny that it could be happening...even though I've been that way for probably a year now...

    I also have many of the PMO-specific symptoms - I'm 18 and my sexuality is fucked. I slowly diminished my attraction to women, having to watch more extreme/shocking porn as time went on (lesbian->vanilla->MILF->oral-> incest ->rough oral/gay/compilations->a huge mix of everything trying to stimulate myself in some way). Now I have rampant HOCD that hurts my relationships with males and females and chips away at my identity.

    I also have many physical symptoms that correlate with PMO - I did not have them before I became addicted, and they begin to dissipate on my longer streaks, such as scalp dermatitis, acne, significant fatigue, and constant bags under my eyes. Whether this is how my body reacts to the brain changes caused by PMO, or just stress in general, the root cause is PMO and I have so many reasons to quit. Additionally, there were a few weeks about a year and a half ago where my porn-addicted brain felt that auto-fellatio would be a good way to achieve novelty and dopamine. I fucked up my back pretty significantly. I know I didn't do any skeletal damage because it never bothers me when I workout, but when I am not moving, there is constantly building tension and I have gotten used to this now, at 18. It is of course exacerbated by me hunching over PMOing for hours, and begins to dissipate like my other symptoms when I am on a good streak, getting into more productive activities.

    Lastly, there is one last thing I want to get off my chest: in the past 3 months, there have been times where I have felt so worthless that I wanted some fucked up way to find some sort of confirmation that I could be desirable in some way. This led to me using a new of interactive PMO on Omegle, where I would conceal my identity while showing random strangers my body and genitals hoping to find a girl who would say that I am attractive. After relapsing using cam-to-cam software, I would often feel extremely violated and even more worthless than I did before. Sometimes I would even begin to have suicidal thoughts when thinking about how, after all my efforts to quit, the addiction is still bringing me down to lower and lower places.

    Ultimately, PMO has ruined every facet of my being. My grades have dropped, my social life is all but dead, I have no self-worth and no confidence to do anything that would bring success to me, because I feel that I don't deserve it thanks to all the shit this addiction has made me watch and do. I can't imagine all the social, academic, and personal opportunities I have passed up to go and PMO. My brain is hooked beyond belief. This addiction has eaten me alive and taken me to places where my pure, pre-addiction self would have never imagined me going in my wildest nightmares.

    As you can see, I have an abundance of reasons to quit. But I cannot.

    ---My Plan---

    There is still some persistence in this broken being. Enough to make this post. Enough to try again. It is hard for me to believe that I am worth a new life at this point, but I suppose that is all I can do - search for a life away from this horrible drug.

    I know you should really post stuff like this in the journal section, but I posted in this more popular section out of pure desperation. Here are the aspects of my new plan to quit PMO:

    1. Everyday, I will do my best to accomplish my dreams and vanquish my inhibitions. Lead a new life away from PMO. This step allows me to accomplish my goals and fight relapse physically.
    2. I will re-watch Gary Wilson's "Your Brain on Porn" and re-educate myself about what has happened to me. This step allows me to understand the addiction and fight relapse mentally.
    3. I will post in this thread every time I am about to relapse. I am making a promise to myself right now that I will not relapse until I post here. This step allows me to think about my actions before I make them and better understand the addiction.
    4. I will post here occasionally and read this thread if there is any support to be found, to keep my brain focused on my true goals and not on PMO. This step allows me to hopefully find some support from other people.
    5. I just saw this on the emergency tool: "When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you'll be successful." This is one of my favorite quotes from Eric Thomas, a man who helped me have the bright spots that I did in the past 4 years. I am making a decision right now to say it - I want to succeed as bad as I want to breathe. This step allows me to have a simple way to find my determination.

    Basically, my life has consisted, for the past four years, of PMO taking over my body mentally and physically, craving PMO viciously. I feel a physical urge rush from my stomach out to the rest of my body, and my brain does whatever it can to mentally rationalize a relapse. Then, my real self comes back after I finish, and I am in complete shock at what just happened - that I threw my dreams away yet again. Many nights I have gone to sleep, wishing to quit and feeling like I never have to touch PMO again, wishing to be able to keep that mindset when I wake up. Then, as I awake, I will be enslaved, unable to feel any of the courage or determination that I did before I went to sleep.

    My hope is that following through on these 5 things will finally allow me to be reborn.

    If there is a way to a new life, I know that putting the work in to achieve that new life is the only way that I can live and deserve it. This is what I hope to do. I will not expect results quickly. My brain is extremely addicted, and it will take a long time for neuroplasticity to bring me back to normality. Around a year from now I will evaluate my life again.

    Here I go. If anyone decides to help me on this journey even after all the lust I have let consume me, even after all the self-loathing I have caused and endured, even after all the times I have failed...I thank you.
     
    Sam91 likes this.
  2. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

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    I just woke up, day 2, and an burdened by the urge. I feel like relapsing. I can't feel anything except the pleasure that comes from this.

    I am alone. I think of the real relationships that I have to turn to and there are none.In fact, the only girl I ever connected with deeply as a friend has deserted me, and because she is a female I feel particularly undesirable as a person.

    The urge rushes through me. Fuck. I'll try and make it out of bed. It usually gets easier after that.
     
    Sam91 likes this.
  3. CuriousOrange

    CuriousOrange Fapstronaut

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    Dude, that's such a sad story. I can relate to some of it though, I am sure others here can too. You are not alone.

    Well done on making plans to change. I'm new to this site but not to the struggle we are going through. Do you want to discuss your plan? It seems very binary, all or nothing, and there might be other smaller steps you can take to help you get to where you are going.
     
  4. feo1966

    feo1966 Fapstronaut

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    If you just try over and over again to fight your subconscious using "willpower", it will never work. You will never beat your brain in a battle of strength.

    You need to retrain your subconscious. A good book to start with is "Awaken the Giant", by Anthony Robbins.
    Also look into good books on NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming)
     
    Sam91 likes this.
  5. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

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    I've failed. Couldn't get out of bed.

    Thank you guys for replying, however (and please don't take this as any sort of blame towards any member of this website) I used no one having replied by the last time I looked at the thread as rationalization. I said all these horrible things to myself, "No one cares about your story, it's like the third time you've told it now. It's over, you're lost forever. Maybe some people read some of it, but then they certainly though that there's no way to help this guy."

    I'm having trouble seeing the problem with my plan. It really hasn't changed much in many years, I have just never been able to implement it. I have envisioned the person I want to be for years, but I've never been able to be him. I constantly fail and am constantly disappointed with my position in life.

    Would you guys agree that there are two parts to recovery? Planning and execution. I plan just fine. I can just never ever take action consistently.

    I have obviously spent many lonely days thinking about why this is, and I have come to the conclusion that the reason is two-fold:

    1. I am not trained to use willpower against PMO, even though I do a lot of things that people would say takes a lot of willpower in other areas of my life. In these areas, I know what it's like to do something, even if it is difficult. In the case of PMO this would be resisting the urge, and I just crumble in the face of it every time.

    2. I hate myself. This addiction has made me waste so much of my life and I hate myself for doing it. Somehow I need to find self-love. OK, boom, my plan in this aspect is done. So I've said before, let me love myself. I've repeated it over and over again. I've repeated it when I'm succeeding in another area of my life. During the few moments of socialization that I have. But then, when the urge comes - I use a small amount of willpower to ask the question, "Do you love yourself? If so, don't hurt yourself with PMO." Then, despite all the positivity I may have brought beforehand, I always say, "No. No I don't." And I PMO into sorrow.
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2016
  6. CuriousOrange

    CuriousOrange Fapstronaut

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    Never mind :) Nobody's perfect.

    The way I see it you have a number of issues.

    Masturbation
    Low self esteem
    Watching porn
    Watching extreme porn and indulging in risky online behaviour

    I think that trying to tackle all those issues together is really tough and is why you are failing. I think you should target just the bottom two to start with and definitely remove the last one. So, from today, no more extreme porn or Omegle. Try not to watch porn at all (but if you are going to, try to watch something with a man and a woman that isn't abusive - yes it does exist). It is OK to fap if you need to. It is OK to feel down, but you should also feel proud that by taking the steps above you are doing something about it.

    Does that sound like a plan you can follow? Just my 2c, feel free to tell me to get lost.
     
  7. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

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    I will tell you what I think of this sure, thanks for being conversational with me.

    I am very desensitized to vanilla porn. My body does not crave that anymore. I remember when it did...

    Urges usually cause me to go directly to the most extreme stuff (gay, rough oral, incest, etc.) to satisfy it. Once I have felt some sensation, the real me kicks in a bit and says, "You would hate yourself less if you watched a beautiful woman have normal sex, at least." Then I usually go back and forth. Edging to the stuff that arouses me, and then watching vanilla stuff until I can't get off anymore, restart my body with extreme stuff, and so on. If I have to relapse I will try my hardest to watch vanilla stuff next time. It is certainly easier for me to do that than to not PMO at all - vanilla porn doesn't cause me zero stimulation, just relatively little. Especially compared to what it used to.

    Secondly, the other problem I have with this is that it is unsatisfying. I want to be rid of all 4 of those things. Now. I don't want to go halfway. People tell me I am an all or nothing guy, and I totally agree...Of course I want it all! This is my fucking life and I just relapsed so I see and feel it clearly now! But I fail, so I just have nothing all the time.
     
  8. CuriousOrange

    CuriousOrange Fapstronaut

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    I agree there are two parts, planning and execution, but I think maybe it is the planning part that you are falling down in. As per my post above, maybe you are planning on changing too much in one go?

    It's OK to have a problem with this, this website is testament to the fact that lots of guys do. It is also proof that you can fix it. Don't beat yourself up, millions of guys have PMOd today and unlike you most of them aren't ready to make a change in their lives. You are. So focus on a plan, make it realistic and achieveable. Take the first step.
     
  9. CuriousOrange

    CuriousOrange Fapstronaut

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    That's OK, happy to help.

    It sounds like you have quite a strong addiction, so it will be hard to break it - but you know this. Your urges taking you to the extreme stuff is probably the easiest first step to take, so if you are ready to take a first step then my advice would be that. No more extreme stuff. If I was in your shoes I would look right now for something featuring a man and a woman in a non-abusive setting. If you can set things up so you can access that and only that so much the better. That way you have an outlet, but one that moves you towards where you want to be and starts the healing process.

    (Mods, i hope it is OK to be suggesting that a poster sources some porn. It is done with the best of intentions, please do let me know if it isn't acceptable)
     
  10. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

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    So you're saying that the first step is to just get rid of porn? It sounds somewhat appealing but I've just failed trying it in the past...

    Basically what would happen is I would go a few days, the urge would come in craving PMO, Ming would simply exacerbate it and I wouldn't be able to really get off at all with M alone. I would then just progress into PMO. An "all" approach is really the best solution, I fully believe that, it's just that I need the willpower to facilitate the "all" and I just don't seem to have it. But I know that it is possible to use willpower in the face of anything, just increasingly difficult and obviously PMO would be the ultimate challenge since my brain is wired to it. I want that so bad, to succeed against the ultimate challenge. Fuck I've wanted that for years and I've just gone nowhere, wasting my youth...Which only makes me want to succeed more after the sorrow fades away...But somehow, and this is the mind-blowing stuff about addiction right here, tomorrow, as I did today, I will not be able to feel any of the emotion I do right now until after I relapse! When the urge is present I am not!

    If I could change that I would win.

    EDIT: Read your latest post. Hmmm, that would work but it just seems unsatisfying to me. However, it is probably the "best" thing I can look at that may actually satisfy the urge without worsening the addiction. Or would it still worsen it? I don't know, after all, watching what you suggest is what brought me here in the first place. Why wouldn't I just escalate again?

    Despite my worries, I suppose I could give that a try. Only PMO to vanilla porn. But for how long I wonder?
     
  11. CuriousOrange

    CuriousOrange Fapstronaut

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    When I was watching porn, escalating through genres and building my problem I did it because I didn't know the damage I was doing. I just knew that it felt good and filled a gap in my life. Now if I did watch some porn (which I won't) it wouldn't make me escalate because I know the harm it causes. That might be why you wouldn't escalate too - you now know why you shouldn't escalate, why you need to keep control.

    You need to decide for yourself though looking - because only you can. If you think you can just stop - click! - like that then you will have my undying respect for making a change that I never could! But if you can't fix everything all in one go, then to me making a small change seems like a good first step.

    Good luck, seriously.
     
    looking likes this.
  12. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, the last paragraph you wrote really sums up everything nicely.

    I will try one more time to quit everything in one go, and document it in this thread.

    If I fail, please someone drill it into my head that I must accept a gradual approach. My plan for that will be to start only watching vanilla porn for 30 days, and proceed from there.

    But I don't want to put too much thought into that yet, because I am taking this final attempt at my "all" plan seriously.

    I need to accept the pain of the urge firstly, or else I will surely succumb to the addiction before I can get out of bed tomorrow. Really, what this means is that I need to accept the pain of recovery. This is going to be a long process and it's going to require me to go through a lot of pain. I must endure it. Not run from it by PMOing. I must endure it.

    Alright, here we go. At the very least I feel relieved from the cycle I was in, to some extent. There's a good chance I will never see the extreme behaviors brought on by this addiction again.
     
  13. Sam91

    Sam91 Fapstronaut

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    looking! Buddy! People care, believe me. Especially we that are passing or have passed more or less your same struggles. I also had a terrible escalation with porn content. But believe me, eventually the content doesn't matter. It is the mechanism of WHEN and WHY you are using porn that matters. It is in the moments of urging that you have to analyze yourself.
    Your self-esteem will see huge improvements after a while, believe me.
    Moreover, why don't you try to find an accountability partner, to keep each other motivated and straight?
    Do you want to know two quick tricks? Quick pushups or having a walk outside. You cannot sit or stay paralyzed on your bed or at your desk and expect to fight PMO craving with willpower. You must move! Don't delve in your thoughts! Move, distract yourself. Each time you chose to do porn, remember that you CAN DO SOMETHING ELSE! Still, if you relapse, it doesn't matter! You must try again. Do other things, you cannot elminate such a big habit by doing nothing. You have to find new hobbies or activities to substitute it!
    Cheer up!
     
  14. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

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    Thanks everyone for your advice.

    11.

    I haven't been here because I haven't needed it, thankfully.

    The first 4 days I succeeded, by myself. I followed all the rules I posted in the beginnging of this thread and took steps towards becoming myself.

    Over the next couple days I reunited with an old female friend and we basically realized we were perfect for each other. However, we were on a break from school and the world is against us right now. We both decided that it would be better to not fo anything physical since it would only hurt more once we parted. We talked until it was time to leave.

    Coming from my socially inexperienced life, this was easily the most meaningful interaction I have ever had with a woman. It felt so amazing to be feeling something from a real girl who I found to be absolutely beautiful as opposed to some artifical shit on a screen.

    I feel I saw a glimpse of what this life can be like, how amazing being present in this world can be.

    I feel as if I will never look back. I hate PMO and now see in a new light how worthless it is.

    Of course, I will stay vigilant and post here if the urges seem to be overtaking me. Withdrawal is certainly in full effect.
     
    Sam91 likes this.
  15. Sam91

    Sam91 Fapstronaut

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    Keep it on mate! :D
     
  16. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

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    0.

    I failed. Self-hatred has crumbled me again...

    The urge just hit me all at once today in a massive force. I told myself that 13 days was good enough, that I'm not worth the success that would come from freeing myself of this addiction. And so I relapsed. And again later. And a third time when the failures of the die piled onto my weary, tired mind...

    What I truly regret is not coming on here to post before I relapsed. I deeply apologize for that to everyone who posted in this thread...

    I guess this is it. I said I would take a gradual approach if I failed again. Of course I don't want to. It doesn't feel satisfying. After relapsing I know I am capable of greatness! When I think clearly I know I am capable of greatness! I want to complete turn my life around, give 100%, and become myself.

    I guess I do set my own rules...Is it wrong for me to simply try again with my all-or-nothing approach? Is it insane? Or would it be insane to not give everything I've got to get PMO out of my life....

    Gonna go my own way for now, of course I am open to discussion on here. I will be myself.
     
  17. HornyHenry

    HornyHenry Fapstronaut

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    Damn bro that back story, I know that empty feeling of worthlessness. I also know that feeling of constantly relapsing this challenge is hard af. The reason I feel like I got out of it is 2 things for me really is believing in yourself and training your willpower. You gotta truly believe that you can do it and even if you fail you know that you still can do it no matter what. With training your willpower you gotta do something that is uncomfortable but you endure it anyway. For me what I did was meditate for an hour straight without stopping. It was hard af not to look at your phone or get up and do something but when you are fighting that urge to give up, your willpower becomes stronger. Its the same as fighting your urge to fap. I am sure there are other ways to increase willpower but that is the one I know. Good Luck man!
     
    Sam91 likes this.
  18. Sam91

    Sam91 Fapstronaut

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    Buddy, don't worry. Start over.
    The important thing is to reduce the frequency of your use. All-or-nothing approaches tend to fail, because "perfect" doesn't exist in reality, and everything is gradual and progressive.
    Reduce the frequency, start over and create new habits in the time you freed up by not watching P or M-ing. That's how you can do it sustainably.
    And write. Tell yourself, I'll first write on NoFap, and then I can PM if I want. Give yourself a last chance. And Relapsing is normal.
    Cheers.
     
  19. IGY

    IGY Guest

    You have got to change your thinking, @looking.

    [​IMG]
     
  20. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

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    Thank you guys, I found all three of those posts really helpful.

    I just ended a 6 day streak.

    I need to get really good at fighting the physical urge, that's what got me this time. I just didn't want to feel uncomfortable...It's a matter of willpower I think...I can stop the enemy of the physical urge is willpower, and the enemy of the mental rationalization is self-love.

    Today I'm really going to try and do what's best for me, regardless of how much I don't want to do it just to train my willpower. I won't waste the rest of the day.
     

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