My Story (33/married)

I feel like my story is a bit more vanilla than what I've come across on these forums in the past. I started using porn around age 11 and I've been using regularly since then. Porn hasn't impacted any of my jobs, my education, my social life, or my sex life in any large scale and meaningful way.

Except that during a conversation with my then girlfriend (now wife) I revealed that I had PMOed one morning and she was genuinely hurt by it. She felt betrayed and unwanted, and it was a serious blow to our early relationship. This wasn't the first time a girlfriend has said this to me either. And I told her the same thing I had told the last girlfriend that had found out: that while I enjoyed PMO, I certainly didn't really like the fact that it was a part of my life, and it wouldn't be a big deal to stop, and of course I'll stop, especially because it makes you feel so miserable. And I believed all of this, honestly. And I did stop.

For a few months.

But inevitably, I'd go back to using. I never thought for a moment that I was addicted, especially because I didn't have any of the symptoms I'd read about (like some guys have on these forums) and my life didn't seem to affected by it like I said. But it's been only within the last few years that I've started to realize that I talk about P in my head the same way I've heard other people talk about their addictions while they were in their addictions. That is, "Of course I can quit. Whenever I want. It's not like I'm addicted." And then they keep using.

It seems so obvious from the outside. When when you're down in it, you're somehow blind to it.

So hey, I'm addicted to porn. That's a bit alarming. But I'm a fucking man, and I take care of my business, so I decided, once and for all, that I was just going to give up PMO completely. SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION. No sweat.

And I went about 7 days.

That really shocked me. I've always thought that I have a pretty iron-clad will and that when I set my mind to something, it gets done. So I was really taken aback when I found myself dick in hand PMOing not a week after I'd resolved to never do it again.

Shaken, but thinking "maybe it was a fluke," I doubled my resolve and tried again. This time, I made it about 20 days. But at that point, I started experiencing clear signs of addiction. My hands started to shake, and P was all I could think about, for hours on end. I'd sort of "wake up" with my phone in my hand and realize I was looking up arousing images, almost without me even thinking to do it. My dick started to ache, all the time. I got angry and mean when I hadn't Oed in a long period of time, but stayed pissed off even after I finally did. I was suspicious and terrified each time that somehow my wife would find out, and I would have ruined something beautiful about our relationship. PMOing actually made everything feel worse. I was shaky, ornery, and weak for the rest of the day afterwards. All day, I longed for PMO like it would be some kind of epic release and relief. But afterwards, I was more wound up and miserable than ever. What the fuck was wrong with me?

Finally, I resolved, angrily, THAT'S FUCKING IT. NO PMO AGAIN. EVER. PERIOD. I FUCKING MEAN IT. And I did mean it. But I hadn't said "no P" did I? For some reason, I determined that winning this battle, showing porn who was boss, was to never have another orgasm while watching it. So after about 20 days, I was back to P, regularly, though no MO, which at first I was proud of.

Then, one day I was sitting on my couch with my phone, watching P without touching myself at all, and I became so aroused that I came in my pants right there. It had happened without me, and in spite of my resolve. A very strange and extremely disturbing PO with no M at all.

It was a serious blow. And it told me that no, I wasn't in control. That yes, despite not having ED or ruined relationships or any of the other terrible things I had read about, yes, I was addicted. Holy sweet Jesus I was addicted to porn.

After that, I began to respect PMO as a legitimate addiction and approach my recovery more seriously and with more respect. I've tried a couple times to quit, with various levels of success. The longest streak I've had I think was for somewhere between 30-50 days.

So I finally joined the site and decided to start a log and start posting when I could. Because I seriously thought I would never need something like nofap, and yet here I am. Because it has control over me, and I want that control back. Because I'm so incredibly tired of thinking, nonstop, with my dick. Of my life being a series of stretches between PMOs. For this being a fucking ISSUE.

And maybe it always will be. Something inside me says that's true. I've known a few alcoholics and smokers and they say after decades clean that it's still just one day at a time. That it gets easier, but it's still just one day at a time.

So I'm trying again. Because of my experience with relapses, I have to do something of a hybrid mode. I'm extremely easily triggered, so I have to stop watching most television shows. I've learned from experience: no arousing material of any kind. Period. MO afterwards or not. Vanilla or not. Which makes this something of a monk mode.

But not quite because I have a beautiful wife (who I'm hiding all of this from, BTW). And sex with her is what I would call infrequent (average about twice a month) and when we do have sex its something I love and treasure. So I'm not giving that up. And our bed is something of a safe zone for me. I've hardly ever brought fantasies or P images into my head when I'm actually having sex with her. And I don't get that terrible dick ache afterwards (which tells me the pain is definitely psychosomatic, guilt-induced, and no, I'm not vice-gripping my dick while M).

So I'm doing a sort of married monk mode. Is that a thing?

I have a lot of hope for this process. I'm going to be taking it one day at a time. What I'm thankful for is seeing all the people posting on these forums which have had similar struggles and experiences. I used to look at the forums with a somewhat skeptical and pitying eye. But now I'm here in it, and I understand, and brothers I'm with you.

I know that it's going to be difficult. But I'm going to try again. And I'm going to keep trying until I either win or I die because that's the way I do things.

Courage and love to you all.


We are warriors.