My sissy addiction story: is there any hope for me?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by AlongTheCurve, Oct 3, 2017.

  1. AlongTheCurve

    AlongTheCurve Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I am crossposting this from another thread because I need help. I am not quite addicted to porn, but my problem is related. For a long time I have had deep desires to become a sissy permanently that I know come from feelings of inadequacy. Maybe it's best if I tell the story of my sexual evolution and why it brings me here:

    Childhood:
    I personally believe that there are many people who are born gay or trans, like there is no doubt about them from a very early age. For me this was not the case. In elementary school I had a very outgoing childhood and I started to like girls. At that age the only porn I was exposed to was Playboy centerfolds. My first sexual fantasies before puberty were simply staring at and objectifying the naked bodies of women. And then there were girls in school I had crushes on. This part of my life I would consider pretty normal.

    Middle school:
    My healthy sexual development continued into my tween years, but I'm sure it was those years that my maturation stalled. By the end of my childhood my family life had turned into a broken home. I was raised by my mother and had no positive male influence in my life. We moved to a new school area where I was suddenly the new kid with no friends. I did not have the confidence to ask out the girls I liked, and even if I had, they probably would have turned me down. I was unable to find the nerve to ask out the girl I was in love with, so I asked out her friend, who did reject me after all. Since I had such a positive childhood before those years, my self-esteem wasn't so low that I would settle for whatever female I could get, like some young men often do. I went a really long time never having a girlfriend. My porn interest escalated to late night cable television, literotica, VHS tapes and more hardcore magazines. Lesbian porn was my preference, specifically if one of the women was an experienced lesbian, while the other girl was bi-curious and maybe doing it for the first time. That was probably related to my own repressed bi-curious fantasies, which were developing. My ego was physically, sexually, and emotionally attracted to girls and women. But because of feelings of rejection and emasculation, coupled with the onset of puberty, I began to MO privately to thoughts of submissive sexual acts with grown men. I was not attracted to males in real life and the fantasies were completely anonymous. Just me submitting and being sexually conquered by a masculine man with a hard erect penis.

    High school:
    As I started to get older, I still enjoyed fapping to lesbian porn, heterosexual porn with a sexy woman involved, and of course high school girls at my school. But in these fantasies I was never present. It was scene play or me watching from a distance. In the meantime, I had continued to be rejected and turned down by a handful of girls in junior high and high school, to the point where my emasculation and bi-curious fantasies spiraled further. We didn't have internet hookups 20 years ago, but there were these phone dating sites where you could call up and chat M4F, F4M, M4M, and F4F. I think I tried listening to ads in all of these out of curiosity but it was the M4M section I became addicted. Whenever I was home alone I would call and listen to gay and bi men leave ads looking for sex partners or dates and if I found one that I liked I would fap furiously. As soon as it was over I felt ashamed because most other times I was fapping to some of the sexiest girls at school, but I couldn't stop doing it nonetheless. Then before I knew it I was 17 and still couldn't get a girlfriend, another love interest turned me down, and I started to consider the possibility that I must be gay because girls don't like me. I started escalating to phone sex with a couple of those guys, and then almost went through with meeting but got scared/ashamed and backed out.

    18-19:
    So after I graduated high school I was still a virgin but I finally got my first girlfriend. Not just some girl I settled for either; I mean I was really in love with this girl. All of the emasculated bi-curious fapping went away overnight. Sexual performance was a little difficult for me the first one or two times, but I eventually ejaculated and after that everything became real natural and easy-like. I think it goes to show that male sexuality can really depend on self-confidence and having a loving and compatible partner. Unfortunately she dumped me a few months later, got married the following year (at 19) and I was devastated. Immediately the bi-curious fapping returned and by then internet porn had become a thing. I was able to find gay pornography online but it wasn't all for me. I found that two masculine guys having sex together or two boyish twinks having sex together grossed me out. My preference was gay porn that involved one dominant masculine male and one younger submissive feminine boy. When fapping I would always imagine myself as the boy and I started to become repulsed by my masculinity. I would shave my body what I could without drawing attention to myself. I started to use sex toys and eventually began a sexual relationship with an online guy who was about 10 years older than me. I had no attraction to him, but it was a chance to act out my fantasy and his approach was chill enough that I didn't find him repulsive or creepy. Though after each meeting, I did feel shame and strong desires to purge.

    College:
    So I probably had sex with that guy less than half a dozen times and then I was back to dating girls when I belatedly started college. I had grown into a handsome and attractive young man from 18-20s, so unlike adolescence when I could never get a girlfriend, I suddenly found myself dating multiple attractive coeds and high school girls at once. I still felt a primary physical, sexual, and emotional attraction to females, but after so many years I couldn't purge those repressed bisexual urges of inadequacy and emasculation. When I had a breakup with a girlfriend or was sexually rejected in some way, I would meet a guy for sex. It got to the point where I was so tired of the conflict in my mind, that my fantasy became about meeting a guy who would turn me gay permanently.

    It was at this time that my sissy fantasy began to become reality. As I said, I was especially repulsed and turned off by my masculinity during M2M sexual encounters. I wanted to be that soft smooth feminine gay boy, so I finally started shaving my entire body head to toe. During an online fap session I came across some site with feminine gay boys wearing panties. That was the first time I started to think about crossdressing and feminization, since it just clicked for me. I had been trying to feminize myself without realizing it for so long. Soon after that I was addicted to TS porn and ever since I've never had gay fantasies or watched gay porn again in the last 10-15 years. All I thought about was moving far away where nobody knew me and starting over in life, forced to live as a girl. It was so far removed from my normal public personality though that it took a nervous breakdown for me to finally reach the point where, rather than doing something even more drastic like committing suicide, I started acting out my transition. I bought clothes and makeup and dressed as often as possible. My hair was naturally grown out and sometimes even braided or accessorized. I took endless selfies and body shots and loved posting them online for the attention of men. Once I was on hormones I found my body and mind were very happily receiving daily doses of estrogen. For the first time I was actually starting to find (some) men attractive. I completely stopped watching porn, even TS porn. My fantasy had become real life. As someone said earlier in the thread, looking like a female was what made the fantasy work for me. If I couldn't gradually become more and more feminine and passable, I would have been repulsed and stopped immediately. But the chemical imbalances in my brain were very pleasantly altered, and my body was becoming softer and ever so slightly more filled out. Although I was never to the point of being a full-time TS, I did have platonic TS girlfriends I went out with while dressed up.

    Mid-late 20s: Unlike when I was growing up, when I had a primary heterosexual identity and repressed bisexual urges, by this time my primary identity was to transition and date men. And I was trying to repress feelings that I still had from my whole life to meet a girl and traditionally fall in love (which I assumed from many years of experience would never happen or work out). I reached a point where my feminization was rapidly progressing and I was approaching a point of no return. I was honestly very happy with the changes permanent changes but sad to lose myself at the same time. It was a hard decision for me but I decided because of all the costs involved and uncertainty that I should take more time to make a more informed decision. And here I am, years later nothing has really changed for me. Except my sexual desires.

    Late 20s-30s:
    Sometime after I stopped intermittent use of hormones my male libido began to return. My interest in pornography returned. I remember some light BDSM and bukkake type pornography were my first interests. But I still had a mix of heterosexual fantasies and sissy fantasies. I began an online relationship with a black man in my late 20's. Previously I did not have any preference for different types of men even in fantasies. White black etc. it didn't matter to me. But I guess because black guys were different maybe I was a little curious and next thing I knew I was being introduced to interracial porn and interracial lifestyle. Our relationship was strictly online and phone sex but he loved to call me white this and white that and how he was my black man. One day he told me that he would kill me if I ever had sex with a white guy again and from then on I was black-only. I started watching interracial porn exclusively, even after our online relationship ended. I was constantly tempted to return to crossdressing, transitioning, and have sex with black men. To this day, other than sissy hypnosis, interracial sex (black man / white female or black man / white sissy) is the only porn that turns me on.

    Current:
    So anyway in the last however many years my dating life had fallen to zero as I am not comfortable or confident in my identity either way. I have not dressed or seriously feminized myself in several years and yet I have the fantasies when I'm feeling low all the time, which I satisfy by watching interracial porn and MO in the most sissy ways possible. When I watch porn it has to be amateur interracial, the black man has to finish completely (I love it) and I really prefer POVs where I can look up from the woman's perspective. Sometimes I just watch black men fap solo to completion. When I'm not watching porn, I have re-developed heterosexual fantasies as well. At first these were more of the jailbait barely-18 variety, but after awhile I moved on to dating sites where I would flirt with attractive women and use their pictures for my fantasies (pretty selfish of me to waste their time since I didn't have any intention to date). After I started a business and was doing well for myself, I started a relationship with a woman for the first time in many, many years. She didn't know any of this but she was comfortable with what she did know about me, which gave me some confidence. But my sex drive for her was low. Instead I've discovered SeekingArrangement, where I had become addicted to paying for an attractive college-aged girlfriend and having a daughter/girlfriend type of relationship with her. These sexual desires for an "arrangement" were extremely powerful to the point where I temporarily no longer had any interest in sissy stuff or interracial sex.

    But then what happened? My business quite suddenly and catastrophically failed and I went bankrupt. I had an immediate life crisis and my new fantasy came crashing down. Recently I reverted back to sissy porn but more specifically sissy hypnosis. I think a lot of what has been talked about on here is ineffective junk in my opinion but I did find some audio and video files that have started to make permanent changes. One is this Kim Kardashian brainwash recording that I started listening to with headphones where there are three or four different audio tracks from both speakers bombarding my mind with affirmations and confirmations about how I want to become more and more like Kim Kardashian and that I am sexually attracted to black men. I've started listening to this while I'm sleeping and it's weird because without this addiction I would find her to be a vile and vain empty woman but since I've become addicted to the recording all I want to do is become more and more like Kim Kardashian. I've signed up on Kim Kardashian forums and started watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I watch her sex tape over and over again wanting to emulate her. Now I find myself watching other sissy vids and constantly thinking about chastity and being with black men again. Like it's something that I can't stop thinking about every day. I'll try and do something and all of a sudden some of the triggers from the recording or sissy videos will pop into my mind and I start smiling and biting my lip I can't help it anymore. I just completely shaved my body and I'm tempted to start dressing again and thinking about transition.

    I realize this all because I feel like a failure in life. It's a cycle that has been repeating for 20+ years in various ways but I'm tired of the struggle. I have two sides to my personality or sexual identity that are not compatible with each other. I'm more concerned now than ever because since I've started listening to this Kim Kardashian M2F recording, I haven't had a normal male erection in several months. I'm not even 35 years old. Like if I were on hormones and transitioning I would understand its normal and a decision I made in life, but that's not the case. Once in awhile mentally I will want to have a sexual fantasy about a woman but when I try to MO, I cannot even get an erection anymore. Only as soon as I turn on the hypnosis recording and sissy videos or start looking at black men and interracial sex I instantly get a small erection and start getting wet and feel happy. Shortly after I'm rubbing myself furiously until I have a sissy orgasm which feels completely different from a fap ejaculation. I've even started to lose physical and sexual and emotional attraction to women. But my desire to permanently become a sissy for a black man to not just have sex with me but make love to me has never been stronger. I can honestly say that I am now physically and sexually attracted to black men. I don't know if I can make it go away.

    Part of me feels like this is a very dark place I've reached in my life and part of me feels like if I continue it would be the best possible thing that could ever happen to me. Like I've never been able to find peace in my life before and maybe I'm past the point psychologically where I could ever revert back. It's nice to find this community and maybe some support here. Is there any hope for me? What should I do?
     
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  2. Border_

    Border_ Fapstronaut

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    There are probably some users here that can relate to parts of your story personally and give you more informed advice. But I think a lot of us may be out of our depth with the capacity to deal with your specific difficulties.

    Regardless of the particular perversions any of us have developed though, it's a common truth that with enough time away from all the deranged themes of P and associated lifestyles the mind begins to clear up and we can start to think rationally again. With the level of involvement you've had and the depth you've gone to feeding lust and deviations I think you would need to make the choice to get additional levels of support if you hope to overcome this, like IRL meetings and an experienced therapist.

    You said in your post part of you thinks if you let this continue it could be the best thing for your life, and the way to truly find peace. Can you at least recognize that is a false hope and a lie? Look back on all the sufferings and negative emotions that have spawned from your path so far. Has any lust-based activities ever brought you genuine joy and peace or has it been temporary relief at best before propelling you into more misery? Are the various people you've met in this lifestyle filled with gentleness and caring? Contrast the attitude of lust addicts to non-addicts or even recovered people in SAA or something. I think you will find a world of a difference. What kind of life do you want to have and what path do you really think will take you there?

    No matter how deep we've gone there is always a path back to sanity even though it often takes a lot of hard work. I think the fact that you're at least making this post, and having enough self-awareness to start to sort through all the pain it's brought you can be a big step forward. Hope you are able to find the courage to try to make a return to a saner life. Interested to see what advice other people have to offer. Thanks for posting and sharing about yourself.
     
  3. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

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    While your story is more complicated than most there are a couple of strong trends that jump out. Firstly - when your life is going well you appear to have stronger heterosexual feelings and when life takes a turn south you experience your sissy urges more. Secondly - you consume a lot of porn and your real life sexual desires seem to follow your porn habits rather than the other way round.

    My advice would be to simply follow a no PMO regime for a month or two and see how it affects you. Whatever path you choose later - there's simply no denying you watch far too much porn and it is clearly having a strong, negative effect on you.
     
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  4. StanleyB

    StanleyB Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to your story on some levels. I got in to sissy porn / hypnosis / feminization. I really considered transitioning, looked in to facial feminization surgery, hormones, sexual reassignment. I tried going out with a transwoman to see if maybe that would do it for me. I tried re-integrating crossdressing back in to my life to see if it would satisfy me somehow. None of it has. None of this actually brings me any kind of happiness. The only joy in sexuality comes from real loving relationships with real people who care about you, and it doesn't matter if they are men or women or what your body looks like while it's happening.

    Ultimately I have decided for myself that modifying my body with medical science and depending on exogenous hormones for the REST OF MY LIFE is too much. I can't tell you what choice to make in regards to modifying your body, but I can tell you that being a sex slave and having one very small facet of being human (orgasm) dominate your entire existence is only going to propel you deeper into a living personal hell, not bring you relief. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life, and maybe afterlife, living in perpetual shame?

    You don't know who you are anymore. Can you admit that to yourself? You don't know where your true sexuality begins and where it ends. You don't know if you are straight, or bi, or trans, or cis. You are a jumble of confused and overpowering sexual urges right now, right?

    You are not capable of making decisions about medically altering your body or entering dominant submissive relationships right now because you are too confused to make those kinds of seriously adult decisions. YOU MUST QUIT PMO, NOW, TODAY, RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT. You need at the very least to give yourself 90 days. If you can't make it through 90 days without porn and masturbation you CANNOT make decisions about medically altering your body or submitting your will to another person. Transgendered people have the highest rates of drug addiction and suicide of any other population in our culture. This is not a decision to be taken lightly. If you go through with this without taking the time to get clear headed and sure that your decision is coming from a place of self love and not from a place of compulsion you are LIKELY to wake up one morning and realize that you have mutilated your body and you can never go back. I wouldn't wish that moment on my worst enemy.

    It's time to find a therapist who specializes in gender dysphoria. You need to look in your city to find a support group for gender queer or transfeminine people. You need to find a support group for sexual addiction. This is a great place for support too.

    And most of all, It's time to let the shame go. It's been fucking insane for you, i'm sure of that. I wish you a good solid compassionate cry for yourself with huge wracking sobs of release. I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that you are not the only person struggling with this. I want you to know that you are not a freak, you are not a failure. You are a human being experiencing a very real human condition for this age. I offer you my deepest compassion for your struggle. All hope is not lost. Lots of love in your direction and wishes for peace and tranquility.
     
  5. AlongTheCurve

    AlongTheCurve Fapstronaut

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    Hi! Thank you for your answers.

    It may be. I cannot really tell right now. I'm thinking to remove PMO and see how I feel when I have a cleaner healthier mind. But one problem I've always had is that I regret similar actions in the past. I remember some years back when I was considering transitioning I would go through purges many people here are familiar with and for me that included cutting my hair. I would instantly regret and cry about it the next day because as soon as I started dressing again it meant that I had to start over completely. Growing out your hair takes a long time...in my case it was a year!

    Yes I think there is a lot of temporary relief with PMO. In some cases it can propel one into misery and sometimes it is just escapism from misery that is already there. It certainly doesn't help anything, and I've experienced both cases either way.

    Sometimes and sometimes not. I know I'm aware there are definitely people out there who are users and abusers and I would like to avoid them. But unfortunately I've dealt with that even in my straight life from my closest family members to friends and lovers. And when I would dress and go out with my platonic TS girlfriends there was nothing but friendship and it felt nice to be comfortable and accepted. Maybe that's what I'm searching for in life is a role to fit into and accept.

    When I kinda sorta started transitioning in my 20s I was very happy. It wasn't an autoerotic sexual thing for me. In fact, my sex drive plunged and I was happier and more calm and peaceful than I've ever been! It felt amazing. I could definitely live that life and be happy, but there were three things working against me. One, that process is extremely costly and time consuming especially since I was continuing my education at that time. I know a lot of girls escort for money but that just wasn't me. Second, I was deathly terrified of rejection. That seems to be my big motivating fear in life. Part of why I wanted to transition was to be happy and accepted, so if the opposite would have happened it would have been devastating and probably caused me to commit suicide. Luckily I was pretty fishy and cute but it was still a possibility on so many levels. Third, there was lingering sadness for the life I would have been leaving behind. I know for sure there are people of both sexes who transition for mistaken reasons, usually autoerotic kind, who carry their fantasy too far and then feel trapped in the wrong body when they are done dressing up. I never felt that way. Lingering sadness would be the right way to describe it instead of regret or despair.

    On the other hand, I know I'm capable of at least superficially passing and living as a straight heterosexual male too. But I just don't feel very good at it. Which is why I'm alone, my relationships always failed, and I've always failed in my professional life, etc. Sure I think there are times when I've felt more confident and successful in life that my psyche and sexuality have been in really good places. But it seems to not happen very often. I've literally been depressed and suicidal almost my entire adolescent and adult life.

    Thank you for kind words! Yes I'm here to see if it can help. I will keep trying to sort myself out.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2017
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  6. AlongTheCurve

    AlongTheCurve Fapstronaut

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    Hi thank you for your reply. Yes I agree with you, like I just mentioned in the last reply I think my biggest need in life is acceptance. When I feel like a failure I probably give up and feel gender and sexual dysphoria much more.

    Hmm...I think this may be true recently but I'm not sure I agree that has been the case most of my life. I have seen A LOT of porn over the years and a lot of time I was just like ehh...whatever or grossed out or this or that. But sometimes I have developed a fantasy on my own and then I seek out porn to enhance that fantasy. Or like when I started crossdressing...feminizing myself was something that I had been subconsciously trying to do for years. But even until I was in college I didn't know there were crossdressers or trans people or anything. It never even registered with me until I saw it online and then I wasn't hooked/addicted. It was more like an epiphany. Bam. That felt like me and not all of the gay stuff I had been messing around with for many previous years.

    Thank you I think it's good advice. I'm here to try!
     
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  7. AlongTheCurve

    AlongTheCurve Fapstronaut

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    Hi Stanley, I'm glad you can find other people here who you can relate to and have similar experience. I can't say that I've ever dated TS girls or tried to integrated dressing into my straight life, it all just seems so incompatible for me personally. But every person has their own unique identity and preferences. You said nothing has brought you happiness but do you know what would make you happy in life?

    I think that's a good choice for you! If those things are too much then it's definitely not for you. Surgeries and hormones are for people who NEED them.

    For me I think my PMO addiction and my gender dysphoria are two different things. Maybe somewhat related I don't know but two different things for sure. When I was kinda-sorta-transitioning I was really happy. It wasn't something that brought me shame or personal hell. Although it was a STRUGGLE. Maybe I was too weak to persevere. Kind of like I am in my straight life.

    Yes I think so, that's a good way to put it!

    Yes I'm here to see if I can fight the struggle and sort myself out.

    I will give the good people on NoFap a try and see if it can help. I don't know anything about sex addict therapists but I did go to a few meetings for a TS group one year in my early 20's. I was very disappointed though because I couldn't relate to anybody there. I was young and free and passing was everything to me. There were all older ladies most who had been living as men and married to their wives for 30 or 40 years. One of them was post-op but still. It made me uncomfortable at the time because with some people in the lifestyle you just never know. . But mostly I was Jamie's age at that time and just felt uncomfortable there. The irony that I'm getting older now is not lost on me :)

    Thank you so much! that's very kind of you and I will try my best to sort everything out. Talking bout it here and getting feedback is a good start.
     
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  8. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

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    Good luck! I look forward to seeing those numbers crank up on your PMO counter... ;)
     
  9. AlongTheCurve

    AlongTheCurve Fapstronaut

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    I don't know if I should move this to a blog or something but I just wanted to clarify my counter is going to be no P+M+O especially none of the stuff I have been hooked on recently. Usually PMO was a once or twice a day thing at most and some days no porn or anything at all, but for like the last week I was PMO'ing to sissy hypno and black guys 4-5 times a day for a week straight. I basically couldn't do anything else.

    Right now I made it to Day 1 now working on Day 2 and I managed to M&O (without porn) while thinking about sex with a girl today. Probably doesn't seem like much or a good idea to a lot of people here but for me at least that was the first time I could do that successfully in 2 months.
     
  10. I may not have the right answer but what I can tell you 100% positively is that PMO in a way messes ones mind.
    For me I had even started hating my friends and family, contemplated suicide, become an alcoholic and almost went into other more dangerous addictions. So maybe the first step is to go back to where it all started, think long and hard and you will definitely get a clue on what to change, improve or treat.
     
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  11. StanleyB

    StanleyB Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations on cutting out the pornography! This is a great move, do you have any goals in mind for how long you want to stop using pornography?
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2017
  12. Thank you for sharing the trajectory of your life and the challenges you faced. I am glad you reached out to me on my own post, and now even more so glad the we are connected. I responded to you in both m blog and in a private conversation. You are an awesome person!!
     
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  13. AlongTheCurve

    AlongTheCurve Fapstronaut

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    Yes I'm going to try thank you! And we're all here to support you too! You don't have to go down those dark roads I know you can get better. :)

    Well it may be unrealistic but forever? I understand that relapses are common and to be expected. I just want to start taking baby steps and make it as many days as I can. I think this will be a process where I just need to keep getting better gradually over time.
     
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  14. AlongTheCurve

    AlongTheCurve Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Jamie that means so much what you've said to me. You're amazing yourself!
     
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  15. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    Thhat is a very painful story. I definitely think you should start seeing a professional.
    As to what I read in your story, some of it reminds me of a book titled, "men and marriage". it's a controversial book because it is not very PC, but some of what you say and your motivations for your attraction to men may be partially explained in this book. It can't hurt to check it out.
    Anyway, God bless.
     
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  16. AlongTheCurve

    AlongTheCurve Fapstronaut

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    Hi noonoon, I'm not familiar with that book but I looked at the reviews on your suggestion. Even though I am a very liberal person I am actually pro-family BUT I don't believe everything is so rigid in life. My experience is undoubtedly very different from someone else's experience. Yes I do feel like more stable and traditional conditioning would have kept me from developing gender and sexual dysphoria in my life and that is actually one of my underlying motivating factors my whole life. I've always had that desperate need for a happy stable family and white picket fence house and traditional family values and falling in love with a girl and getting married and raising kids one day. BUT what happened has happened and that doesn't mean the root of my problem is the same as someone else's problem. I know without a doubt there are other people with similar stories as mine who were born this way from Day 1 it's who they are and who they were always going to be.

    And I get angry when the family values crowd tries to force them to become someone they are not. Would you say the book falls into that kind of category?
     
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  17. We are all going to win, and we have started winning by just accepting these demons exist
    we will fight till the very end

    #HoldOnWeAreGoingHome
     
  18. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    I don't believe so...however, it's been a long time since i've read it. What i thought you might find interesting is how it portrays the motivations of those who weren't born gay. (Had you posted you felt that you were born gay, i'd not have recommended the book) My recollection is that the author presented a clear case why those who weren't born gay seek out homosexual relationships. And that is what I thought you might be interested in. The need for a masculine figure in ones life, if unfulfilled, is a very powerful need. So much so that the author suggests a male might feminize oneself to attract that masculine figure, or present themselves as a sexual object when nonsexual means fails to establish those relationships. The other interesting part of the book is the portrayal of the role masculinity takes in developing a society. If males aren't given healthy masculine roles and tasks, they will seek out their own often unhealthy ones. Street gangs are a good example of this. It certainly makes the case for a traditional family, because that is where in an ideal circumstance one establishes healthy nonsexual relationships with both a male and a female.

    Regarding the negative reviews - i'm not surprised. There is a knee jerk reaction to anything that might suggest there are ulterior motives to one being gay rather than the "i was born this way" view. Reading alternative views doesn't mean we have to accept everything the author presents. It's only information. Take what you like from it and discard the rest. There may be some insight to be gained. Or not.
     
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  19. Eddie_Moscone_BB

    Eddie_Moscone_BB Fapstronaut

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    Yes I do believe there is hope for you. Honestly I think you need to give your brain a chance to operate without the pmo, sissy recordings, etc.

    Regardless of our sexuality I think we all can agree that porn really disorients us on many levels not to mention that significant life experiences and our level of understanding at those points in time can have a profound impact on our sense of identity.

    I think if you give it time you'll get the answers you're looking for. You'll be surprised what your mind will show you.
     
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  20. Snaggletooth

    Snaggletooth New Fapstronaut

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    Hey there, I was browsing this forum and I initially wasn't going to make an account but I read your story and though I may be able to offer some advice.

    I too have struggled with sissy porn and sissy fantasies that are upsetting to me and for a while were very tough to deal with. I have more or less gotten over them but I still struggle with the idealization sometimes. I'm extremely heterosexual and the sissy fetish is very much a niche psychological thing for me that has more to do with my life and repressed feelings that anything else. Like you I too had a bright early childhood and had to witness the destruction of my family before I even left home. My father was abusive and I even physically fought him (Taking swings and shit) before I was kicked out right after 18.

    Now I won't go into the details of my story right now as my goal here is to offer what help to you that I can. Theres three main things in my experience that caused this fetish to morph out of simple porn curiosity into something that was more of a problem to deal with.

    1) Family destruction made me feel like there was something inherently wrong with me, this made me feel like I was unworthy of displaying my own brand of masculinity and that all masculinity I exhibited was disgusting (but not other mens masculinity). This made me cultivate a very masochistic need to be used by another man as the validation and "proof" so to speak that I was unworthy of masculinity.

    2. My relationship with my father had deteriorated so much that it was hardly there. I became isolated and the only masculine presence in my life was male porn actors because I would watch porn all of the time. I slowly began to project my need to submit onto these pornstars and naturally began to identify with the porn actress in all of the videos I would watch. I then, like you, got into hypnosis videos that really were not healthy (not that any porn is healthy). It was so crazy because I had girlfriends at the time and in "real life" I was straight, but in my "porn life" I wanted to be dominated by men and seen as a woman-like object.

    3. I had no one to talk to about it and it became my own secret, I would even fantasize about cutting off contact with everyone I knew and starting a new life but as a woman so I could live out my fantasies. Fortunately this never came to fruition.

    I have more or less managed to subdue these impulses and they are slowly but surely going away. The longer I go without porn the less intense they become, but quitting porn is only half the process. The other key element to recovering from sissy porn is to cultivate healthy relationships with other men you can trust. Simple masculine activities like playing sports together, or surfing, or playing music (surfing and music really helped me) will help you to reconnect with your own inner masculinity and the men around you. So you basically need to A) stop watching sissy porn atleast, if you can stop watching porn entirely. B) be proactive in your recovery and find some way to get in touch with your inner masculinity that is healthy (stay away from binge drinking with bros etc.). An additional thing you can do that will help you is being proactive in the lives of those around you, I had an internalized feeling that I was "bad" because of my family life and that guilt fucked up my ability to recover. Go out and help people and you will regain your connection to humanity that you may feel is missing.

    The key thing about the sissy fantasy that made it all clear to me is the idealization of inhabiting the feminine body and persona during sex. Thats the real kicker, porn caused me to objectify both sexes so hard that I wanted to become what was in my head the female OBJECT and to be dominated by the male OBJECT. Now this may sound fucked up, but porn will fuck you up I think most here know that.

    You must get healthy and reconnect with your spirituality and the people around you, more importantly you need to get in touch with who YOU are, not the PORN that became an outlet for repressed feelings for you. You can 100% win this battle but you must be honest with yourself, you cannot run from this I promise you. I hope that helps, I hope I didn't say anything offensive.

    Cheers and best of luck!
     

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