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My sissy addiction story: is there any hope for me?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by AlongTheCurve, Oct 3, 2017.

  1. AlongTheCurve

    AlongTheCurve Fapstronaut

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    Thank you again everyone for all of your support. It means a lot to me because I really feel alone and helpless right now. Not just the addiction part but I mean life in general. I've been thinking a lot these days and I feel like the biggest epiphany I've had is that my gender dysphoria and my PMO addiction are two completely separate things. Like I already once was dressing (in public!) and on hormones long before I ever developed these dumb fetishes. The more I think about everything the more sure I am that not continuing my transition when I could have was a HUGE mistake. :(

    God I regret everything so much!!!

    I was feeling REALLY REALLY low tonight ... like lower than I've probably ever felt in my entire life---- and I was going to punish myself by giving into sissy hypno and I couldn't even do it! I didn't feel anything. It was crazy. I wanted to cry tonight but I couldn't even cry. I was just left alone to think in an empty black hole and realizing that I don't want to be an OBJECT but I do want to transition and be a WOMAN. What I want most in life is happiness and acceptance. I'm not chasing after a father figure or sexual urges but all of this stuff in my life comes about because of my feelings of FAILURE in the biological sex role I was given. I hate it and if I'm honest with myself I know it will NEVER change. I will never achieve that ideal that I longed for since my childhood but MAYBE i can find happiness and acceptance by transitioning and living as a woman and finding the right man.

    I am such a basket case!! :emoji_sob:
     
  2. phwrancesco

    phwrancesco Fapstronaut

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    if you want acceptance why don't you start to accept who you are now? :)
     
  3. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    Have you considered attending a 12 step program? There are a few of them out there for sex addicts. They're very helpful. Please try to go to one. Try it out for a month. It will help you!
     
  4. johnartista

    johnartista Fapstronaut

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    You can do it man. You can still turn things around for the better. Stay strong. Keep fighting the good fight!
     
    AlongTheCurve likes this.
  5. 5adn8m8

    5adn8m8 Fapstronaut

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    I read your story mate and I know you're confused and have a lot of questions.At this point you're questioning your sexuality more than ever.I'm not gonna tell you you're gay, Bi, straight...How can I say those things? I would never know.That is for you to decide.But you can't find out either because porn won't let you to focus.
    As long as you use porno you can't think straight.That's a fact.
    If you really want to win this battle and emerge victorious then putting aside PMO is essential.

    In my opinion we fail in our lives because we hate ourselves to a certain extent.We're not willing to accept who we are and we are always trying to be anyone but ourselves.That's when all battles begin.Battles we don't have to fight but choose to fight because some time in the past we chose to believe something without questioning it.
    No matter who you are, what your sexuality is, If you love yourself in the way you are you can prosper.The main obstacle on your way is self hatred.
    I recommend you to read the book "you can heal your life" from Louise L. Hay.She cured her own cancer without any medical help and she shares her knowledge in that book.
    Hope this helps.
    Life Loves You.GOOD LUCK!
     
    AlongTheCurve likes this.
  6. AlongTheCurve

    AlongTheCurve Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure who I am right now. I'm trying to figure that out!

    I will look into it. Thank you!
     
  7. AlongTheCurve

    AlongTheCurve Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. That is definitely my biggest problem in life----self hatred. Feeling like a failure. But then the question is do I just feel like a failure? Am I exaggerating because of some psychological neurosis? I don't think so I really do have a miserable life! haha....I just want to be VIABLE. That's my biggest need in life.
     
    5adn8m8 likes this.
  8. 5adn8m8

    5adn8m8 Fapstronaut

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    You are viable.who told you that you're not? You? After watching porn and jerking off? We all feel miserable after doing those things but make sure you're not jumping to conclusions.
    Stop with all criticism and move on.Instead of trying so hard to be what you are not,embrace what you are.ACCEPT IT.
    Self acceptance is the first step toward salf love.
     
  9. You are NOT a basket case ---- you are a very self-aware wonderful person realizing something. We ALL do that. Please do not beat up that beautiful person that is you.
    You only FAIL if you give up.
    So --- do not give up.
    It is not how many times we get knocked down in life, rather it is how many times we stand back up to fight another day.
    Stand up, boo. You are strong.
    Be like Nike: "Just Do It!"
     
    AlongTheCurve likes this.
  10. soes upon 1st reading your post i was like 'gee thanks for the giant trigger...' i've however stayed the course, and tho there are several parallels in our stories the one that struck the hardest was the teenage struggles with rejection from or inability to broach young women, ultimately like you i was kinda a late bloomer in 'normal' relationships college era. Thanks to an equally torturous experience with substance abuse i've managed to learn through rehab and treatment *and genuine seeking enlightenment* that if we do not confront the emotional event(s) and subsequent scars we will eventually relapse or develop a different self destructive behavior...
    stability in my life so far has clearly obtainable only one day at a time, we both know the outcome of the previous lifestyle choices and i do believe it's a choice none of us are truly powerless, it's a fairly complicated process to sexually act out like we do and can be stopped if we honestly want a different life...
    My experiences so far ? Well there's been no guarantee of life getting better but a hundred plus days since the last time, it hasn't gotten in any way worse
    i'll take that,
    best of luck man
     
    AlongTheCurve likes this.
  11. AlongTheCurve

    AlongTheCurve Fapstronaut

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    No not after P... my gender and sexual issues have been there since before I ever got like this. But when I get low I feel trapped and stuck in life and now all of a sudden I feel like it's an outlet for me and focuses my thoughts on a different direction in life.
     
  12. AlongTheCurve

    AlongTheCurve Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Jamie you are a beautiful person. Everything you said is true. I am going to keep getting back up and fight another day. Thank you coach! :emoji_slight_smile:
     
  13. AlongTheCurve

    AlongTheCurve Fapstronaut

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    That's such a painful story too @forbiddenPLACES. I've never gone down the path of substance abuse but I can only imagine it makes your situation even harder than what I've had to go through. Keep fighting and we are here to support you too. You're not alone!
     
  14. KnightPluto

    KnightPluto New Fapstronaut

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    MAYBE ONE OF THE MOST POTENT SOLUTION ( i'm still working on it)

    Oy, I was surfing the internet looking for guys like me to help, and i read your story.
    So, i am having this problem, but i am on the healing way. How do you feel after 27 days w/ PMO ?
    Honestly, i think the best way for you to get rid of all this shits is to heal your soul. You have soul traumas, rejection, and others, so deeply in your soul, you feel rejected and it affect all you life.

    First of all is , calm down, try to not judge your self, culpability will raise the addiction. You must forgive yourself, if you are living this, it's for a reason, there is things you have to learn behind this. I learnt to know myself a lot thx to this.
    If so just trust God for making you live this. Don't judge or condamn your pulsions being sick etc... if you see it's unbearable and it makes you extremely nervous, and sick, you have to release it, but without culpability, with love, acceptance and detachement.

    Then, you have to find a therapist , someone you could talk about your childhood etc. The fact that you didn't had male role models create a unbalance in your personnality. You must know what made all this beggin. So go see some healers, reiki, psychologs, don't restrain yourself to medical help, energetics help , and lightworkers could help you too.

    You can buy some gemstone to help you during this healing process, " THE SUGILITE " is perfect for this work, go buy a sugilite stone and pendant. You'll need to put the sugilite stone on your sacral chakra ( google it), to heal your sexual deviances ( learn how to clean and charge your stones tho)

    You know, some porn videos are infected with demons, and spells, so it give more power to the hypnosis, and make you unaware of what's happening. I listened sissy hypnos and some of them made me feel weird in the first sec, like a force were pushing me down. Anyway, just be aware that some files are infected ( some mistresses, maybe 80% of misstresses are wiches, sorceres, be carefull, because your soul is precious, your soul is the real you, you, you are your ego ).

    When you are infected by porn demons and demonic hypnos, you have to clean yourself ( encens ( white sauge burning, benjoin ), payers ( to the protector of your religion), some videos on youtube ( sapien med, entitie removal , quadible integrity - cleanser aura body etc) etc.

    SOmetimes, after you listened a sissy hypnosis toxic (sissy hypno to become a sexslave, to be a bbc bimbo dumbcum, to be a prostitute etc ), you are still in the trance state, and even after you've cum, you feel an empty spot to be filled by the video, or what it suggested to you. So if you watched the video the morning at 9 am, you could think about this all the day and jerk of during the day many times) Why ? because you feel like you didn't cummed well; that you need a cock in your mouth, or a bimbo body, etc to cum properly ( in your subcounscious level).
    And something, it's just the spell continuing to act on you, trying to make you loose your soul, getting crazy, until you be the animal slut. ( If you see yourself without those illusions ( detachement) , you'll realize where you are : walking to a cliff, but with all this illusions, you think you are walking in a dark forest with fayries shawing you the way to happyness, while the trees are making you afraid. But you don't see that the trees are the ones who can save you , telling you were you're wrong in your vision)
    When you feel your male part trying to emerge, ( it's not that easy to kill your male self), when you are fedup of sissy lifestyle and hypnosis, and that you really want to change your life, but your pulsions are too strong, there is a solution. I tried it and i had some good result for the moment.
    The solution is using your climax to heal yourself.
    When you climax, you are climaxing on a thought, and if this thought is " Awww I'm such a sissy slut" " Look how miserable sissy slut i am :$", this idea will take a place in your reality and brain. And it will create path on your brain, strongly.

    So, my SOLUTION is, before porn/ sex etc, you have to settle a sentence you will say loud or mentally during the climax. It could be " I SUPPRESS ALL EFFECTS PORN BROUGHT IN MY LIFE " " I CALL UPON MICKEAL ARCHANGEL TO CLEAN MY ALL BEING FROM NEGATIVE INFLUENCE OF PORN" etc, you can choose and create the one talking to your situation. If you're fedup of thinking about bbc submission etc. Then when you watch your porn, you have to repeat the sentence 2 or 3 time in the begening of the video. After that, don't think about it, just immerge yourself in the video, feeling the arrousal building in ALL YOU BODY,( it's important), and when you feel you will climax, ( it's important that the climax pass through your heart and head ), you must shift the focus, and say your sentence many times loud or menttaly 1 sec before you cum. You must say this sentence with all your faith.
    You will propably feel different after that.

    PS: IT's JUST A SOLUTION WHEN NOTHING WORKED.
     
    Hierro91 likes this.
  15. ishkibibble

    ishkibibble New Fapstronaut

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    A little late to the discussion here but wanted to relate some personal experience and insight. First and foremost, thank you for being so open and revealing about your situation. I find it complex and obviously something none of us here can 'cure' for you. I had an ongoing relationship with a girlfriend and sissification was a regular activity.

    For me, I was aware this was not normal. I was aware I had foisted this upon my girlfriend. It was probably mere coincidence she completely embraced it and ended up being the one pushing for it more and more. When I hear you suggesting it might be something you want fulltime or in a more permanent role, I can only say it's an escape and eventually you will want to escape the escape.

    Being feminized by my girlfriend wasn't about becoming a woman. It was about being emasculated and humiliated by her. Sexualizing my failures was a way to accept them. Having my girlfriend actively partake in that activity gave me solace and kind of made me feel ok to be a failure - if that makes sense. It was arousing she could accept me for being a 'loser'. Suddenly there were no expectations of me.

    We didn't get into the homophobia often associated with sissy play. I was not called a fag and no references were made to being with men. For us, it was stripping away anything manly about me and making me speak and act like a girl. The deep humiliation of being put through this by the woman I was dating and living with was profound. Hard to explain. She had met me as a man and every few weeks, she was making me wear girl things and she was making fun of me. It was simply an escape. And I have to be honest, it worked. I felt relieved after our sessions and kind of recharged in a way. But the problems that led me to needing that humiliation from her would soon return. Sessions got closer to each other and I found she was verbally humiliating me even when I was being just a boyfriend. She was now pushing it on the relationship.

    Within a few months, she insisted we role play this for an entire week. We were supposed to go on vacation but instead, she made us stay home. She literally locked my clothes up in a room and I was only allowed to wear dresses and things like this. At first, it was exciting and humiliating and just what I wanted. By day three, I wanted her to stop making me talk like a girl and prance around while she laughed at me. But saying that to her got me corner time over and over. I'm not saying my girlfriend was a sadist but she seemed to be enjoying the act of humiliating me too much. By day 5 I kind of felt like she just had no respect for me at all. I no longer felt like a boyfriend but a whipping post. When the week ended, I got my man clothes back but not my dignity and not my girlfriend. This forever changed both of us. She could no longer accept me as her manly boyfriend and began referring to me as 'sissy' every day, even when we went out.

    I had created a monster of my own making. The relationship didn't last much longer. Although she fought hard to keep it going, I realized being a 'sissy' was an escape, and now I wanted to escape the escape. I feel you are headed down this path as well so I hope this helps you understand it's not all bows and frills.
     
    Hierro91 likes this.
  16. determined1223

    determined1223 Fapstronaut

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  17. SilverLining

    SilverLining New Fapstronaut

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    Dear AlongTheCurve,

    If it isn't just me, I think you touched on some pain points that hit very close to home with what I feel is a chilling timeline similarity to what I went through growing up, slowly building up anxiety towards a breakdown of self identity, and just feeling like there is no room for acceptance I could fit into easily and just be myself.

    It wasn't until later that things started to level off a bit and I started piecing together what happened and what to do next to stop my mind from spinning - and even though I hope sharing my thoughts here can help - I wish for you to just hang in there and go through it one day at a time, just like I did.

    The first thing I realized, was that just like you mentioned, I had a painfully shy entry into teenage-hood, that was coupled with a lot more of mom around, less so of dad, at least from a balancing figure which I'll address next:

    As a 13 year old, I learned what the meaning of a pot boiling over meant - you need to "reduce" all that pressure cooking up at a fast 3-4 hour pace. And although I quickly figured out how to alleviate the physical pressure (it felt really really good so I had no problem doing it), I had no idea that emotionally the same thing was happening, but I mistakenly correlated my "happy time" release as a physical/emotional tandem.

    Queue in the plot: We moved around a couple times (dad in military), had to rebuild connections which was challenging, but then right around "that time" at 13, a prefect storm happened:

    1. We moved which completely isolated me from my usual outlets of friends/bullies, family, and related activities
    2. My father became the sole provider, meaning there was almost none of him around (for some guidance/clues) but, my mother had to quit her job every time we moved. That left me, a strung out 13 year old kid with no friends, new place (new bullies, and girls I didn't know what to do with) with my newly unemployed mother (whom I love and respect with all my heart) with her high emotions/energy/anxiety and nowhere to place them except, around meee (the horny, confused, insecure 13 year old)!!

    So to cut to the chase, everything was a mess, everything sucked for me socially until we moved again, I had to start all over again just when I made some friends and figured out how to avoid the bullies - and on top of that, I had a high tension of just estrogen and feminine worries and no dad to bring any sort of balance to the equation, let alone give me some sort of teenage-hood guidance - I was left with the choice of either figuring things out for myself, or get my ear talked off about how I should "worship my future wife, respect women, don't do this, and don't do that, and don't be like your father..."

    Needless to say, the only source of consolation and relief came from sexual relief and fantasy, or online gaming, which led to developing some complexities instead of maturing emotionally.

    I wish to quickly say that, it doesn't "mess up" who you are or the things you truly desire deep down, but it does become a habit, just like any other high pleasure/reward activity.

    That ended up taking me down all sorts of rabbit holes, and since it took me a while to develop some emotional intelligence/stability, I had a few failed relationships (careers included), which when they lit up brought my confidence down and I immediately resorted to running towards my fantasy world, place of comfort and way I knew to alleviate my discontent. It wasn't all bad per-se either, since it was sexual/emotional relief, but it just wasn't the real me.

    I had to replace that emotional/sexual release path with a different gratifying outlet. I started with my health, and being 50 pounds lighter made me feel like I was 20 again, not bad for being middle aged. AND with that came the libido and stamina I had long forgotten about, renewed confidence and drive, but this time I placed it towards healthier relationships and avoided anything or anyone too neurotic.

    I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself image wise. I know it's conflicting, but we do what we know at the time to alleviate our stress...I mean, take J Edgar Hoover for example...he had the scoop on everybody and everything, the most powerful man of his era - can't imagine what kind of stuff he had to deal with, and was a known cross dresser...we have to deal with some serious shit in life - and if we haven't figured out how to handle it yet we do what we know works for us at that time - better to put on some panties than to pick up a gun until you rediscover that outlet, it's just more fun!

    You sound like a very intelligent guy, and if you started your own business, at least you had the guts to go for something you wanted (which I can't say for myself). But I hear lots of success stories starting with them listing their "failures", sounds like you're on the right track.
     
  18. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    But, how many men out there could ever make it to 152 days? Hardly a failure - a true victory as a man!
     
  19. You want to know what to do? STOP DOING THAT! I've read some of the the other sissy hypno threads here, and some say that there are mp3s you can download that will reverse the effects of this poison. Nimja, I think, was the name associated with these.

    ETA: I just realized how old this thread is. For those wondering how he's doing with 152 days, he was last seen on October 19 - so who know how many days he actually has?
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2018
  20. fedmom

    fedmom Fapstronaut

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    See a thread in my profile for help with this fetish.
     

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