My first challenge, 90 day PMO, starting Jan. 4, 2017

Here I go.

I want to create a day counter, but the app doesn't seem to be working. I want to get started right away, so I will figure out the counter and other tools as I go.

I also want to make a note that my last ejaculation was 17 days prior. I intended to stop PMO on December 21, but I relapsed with porn and had a binge on New Year's Eve. I also masturbated to the edge a number of times since December 21, buy I did not ejaculate. I don't know if having gone 17 days without ejaculating will make this more difficult or less difficult, but I don't want to turn back now.

I suspect giving up masturbation may be as difficult, if not more difficult than abstaining from porn. We'll see.

I intend to make use of the knowledge base, tools, and resources as I go forth. I figure that the best thing is to start right away and adapt as I go.

It starts now.

 

Maybe I will start a journal. For now, this is my update.

I made it 7 days PMO. I haven't been terribly tempted, but I have been keeping myself distracted, watching tons of sports and spending a lot of time on internet forums that I frequent. I'm scared to have any down time where my mind might wander.

It's also been a struggle to eat healthfully. My body has been craving sugar and carbs and it's been tough to keep away from the junk food. I am trying to start up some better habits, but it is difficult to make too many changes at once. Baby steps.

Anyway, I am proud I got through 7 days and I am not looking back. 90 days seems very doable.

 

Thanks. I am nine days in now.

Today has been difficult due to some personal/family issues that are putting me under a lot of stress. I am accustomed to using PMO as an escape route for dealing with stress, so I am making a change by not doing PMO today. The temptation to PMO is very strong right now. I used the emergency button today.

...

It may be that I should use the computer less or install some safety software. I haven't felt the need for that yet, but maybe that is a good idea.

 

I am on Day 14. The weekend was difficult because of stress dealing with family/houseguest. I was relieved to put them on a plane out of town this morning.


Guess what? Flight was cancelled. I had to go back to the airport, pick them up and bring them back. uggggggggggggghh. But, they leave tomorrow! Yayyyy!

Dealing with an unexpected stressful situation is challenging. My stress relief has been PMO for many years. Trying to change that now is not easy. Life throws you curves. Do I cave in to addiction cravings, habits, etc? Or do I stay on the PMO path?

I don't want to give up now. 13 days is pretty far, I want to keep going to 90, or however far I need to go.

 

Thanks for the supportive comments.

I made it to Day 18. I keep thinking I should set up a counter, but I haven't done it yet.

I have used the Emergency Button a few times, but after I made it through the early part of the week, the end of the week wasn't too difficult.

I am starting to think about how I could start to manage my time better, assuming I am going to be able to keep going with PMO for as long as I need to go. The first couple weeks, I was so focused on just getting through it, that I wasn't sure if I could really do it or how long I could last. Now, I am starting to think "what if I really can go 90 days or longer?" That opens up more possibilities for using my time.

I have been wanting to start eating better. I gave into a lot of junk food cravings during the first couple weeks, knowing that my willpower was in short supply. Maybe, now is the time to start making the changes to my diet. I feel like I am ready to give that a try.

 

I made it through three weeks. Today is Day 22.

Week Three was much easier than Week Two. I will write more later.

 

Thanks.

What I am finding in the past week is that the desire for porn is less, but I still have a strong desire to masturbate. When I see sexually attractive females, I still have the habit of taking mental snapshots, as though I am going to store them for fantasy use in masturbation later in private. My mind still wanders into sexual fantasy and the fantasies are very powerful and vivid, even without the use of porn.

So, my battle has been more about resisting the urge to act on those fantasies and finding the strength to turn of the mental movies. That is where the panic/emergency button has been very helpful. It helps me to turn off the mental movies and to shift my focus on to something else. It also helps to remind me of what my goals and purpose is.

My hope is that the mental movies and fantasy will reduce and I will transition into dating and real relationships. That's the plan.

 

Today is Day 23, by the way. Still going!

 

OK, this may sound weak, but it's the truth.

My favorite sports team lost tonight. They were on a long winning streak that started at the end of December. I started Hard Mode not long after that (shortly after New Year's).

They broke their streak losing, ironically, to a team that hadn't won in a month and a half. Now, I have, in the past, been accustomed to using PMO as my escape from whatever unhappy feelings I have. This feeling of defeat, and breaking a streak, is exactly the kind of thing that would trigger me.

So, I am on high alert right now, trying to steer clear and keep my streak going. I believe I can do it. This would be some kind of milestone if I make it past this one.

It's almost Day 23. I want to go to 90 and beyond.

...

On a side note, I am starting to think of horniness in a different way. It's a powerful, pleasurable, pain-killing, uplifting, testosterone fueled kind of energy. PMO lets the energy out and you lose it. When you learn to tolerate and even enjoy the urge, it becomes power, rather than being something you have to fight against.

I think maybe it's starting to work for me a little bit. I want to keep that going. I don't want to lose it.

It helps to keep in mind that if there is an urge to release the energy, even if that desire is very strong, the desire passes. I may get an erection, I may get a fantasy, my mind and body may want a release and may do the things that I am used to doing to release, but that passes in a little while. If I let it pass, the energy remains. The urge passes but the energy remains and I can use that energy for good.

 

Day 24 is coming to a close.

I went to the movies tonight for the first time in a while. There were some beautiful, sexy women in the movie, but it wasn't a trigger. I did come home feeling lonely, though. Nothing like staring at Hollywood actresses for two hours to make you wish you had someone to go to bed with . . .

Anyway, I am finding that I don't have a great urge for porn, but I do have an urge to MO. I've kept my hands off for 3 1/2 weeks and that's longer than I've ever gone since I started masturbating in puberty. It's a stress reliever for me and a lifelong habit. At the same time, I feel so much more energized and I have a feeling of manliness that is pleasurable and uplifting. I don't want to give that up in order to relieve stress, when I know that MO won't solve anything and ultimately I will feel worse.

There is a potent combination of comfort and discomfort that comes with total abstinence. I have a sexual ache, but also a nice feeling of sexual pleasure. I try to keep reminding myself to enjoy it, get used to it, don't think about release, think about riding the wave, like it's an endless wave that I can keep riding indefinitely. Why stop?

I can definitely see how I have multiple addictions that are kicking up as I have turned away from PMO. Food and the internet are the two big ones. I have been warned often about being on the internet too much and the danger of this leading to porn, but I don't feel in danger with that. I can create an image in my mind very quickly that will get my ready for sex. I don't need porn for that. Or I can just go out in public because there are tons of gorgeous women where I live.

The challenge for me is to start breaking down some of these secondary addictions without causing myself to snap and go back to PMO. I know that what I am getting from food is a dopamine hit and the same with the internet. It's all about the dopamine and the feeling of comfort and safety. Am I ready to start breaking away from these addictions and begin to use my energy toward some more constructive behaviors, though those things will not be so easy and familiar and comforting?

The one thing I have been doing better with is exercise. I have been just starting to build a little bit of muscle and being a little more active. It's a small step. But, I still indulge myself with food and use that as a reward for exercising. I am a long way from eating to be my best and staying away from the junk and losing the 30 pounds I could use to lose.

So, let's see how this goes in the next couple weeks. I would like to make some more forward progress without backsliding.

. . .

One thing that has been a very positive sign is that I had to deal with a difficult family matter the past couple weeks. It's been unusually stressful and I have handled it much better than I normally would handle it. I was pretty amazed I got through it without resorting to PMO. I am not totally out of the woods yet. I have to deal with it again this weekend and next weekend, and then it's done.

This should be one of my main goals: get through the next two weeks, knowing that the family stress puts an extra burden on my willpower. I can do it. I can be strong enough to handle this immediate stress and handle even more stress in the future. I believe it is possible.

 

Early Morning, Day 26.

I have been saying for a couple weeks that I want to improve my diet and make other positive changes in my life. What have I accomplished? Well, I have made some headway in exercise, I think I gained some muscle. But, I also put on 5 pounds, ate a lot of sugar, spent a lot of time being a coach potato, tons of time on the internet watching sports and posting on message boards. Haven't really gotten much done these three weeks, to be honest.

Wait, that's not true. I got through almost four weeks of hard mode. That's a huge accomplishment. What I meant is that, besides getting through almost four weeks of hard mode, I haven't accomplished much.

That's OK. I figured it would be tough and I didn't want to make it so tough that I would fail. But, now I need to start making some headway in other areas.

I feel like I am ready to start putting the internet sports aside and putting my time and energy into some productive things which aren't immediately pleasurable.

And by the way, I should add that I had some stressful family stuff I had to deal with, some unexpected things that came up, and I managed to get through without a reset or relapse. I think that was pretty big. It hasn't been a smooth 26 days.

Let's see how today goes. I intend to work myself harder today and see how much I can accomplish. It's not going to be fun, I don't expect, but it is necessary if I want to make real progress.

 

Hey Harry91,

Good luck to you, too. Feel free to post on this thread about your situation, if you want.

 

Day 27, early morning

This has turned into a journal. I don't know if I ought to move it to a different forum or create a link or what. I will figure that out at some point. For now, I will keep it here.

I added a ticker to my signature yesterday. It's not exactly what I had envisioned but it's OK.

Yesterday I got a lot done in the early part of the day. By 10 am, I was tired, took a nap and that nap lasted almost 8 hours. I missed afternoon Mass and I tried to drag myself to get up but I was exhausted. The sleep was very restful and I must have needed it.

I guess that I have been sleeping so often during the day that my night time sleep has become more like napping and my daytime sleep has become more like the restorative/restful sleep. So, recalibrating my circadian rhythm is going to have to be a priority. If I fall asleep during the day today or start to feel like I am going into a deep daytime sleep, I will try taking a cold shower. There seems to be some benefit to cold showers, anyway, so I might as well try it.

Last night I had some pretty strong MO urges while trying to sleep. That's been happening every few days. I get an erection, have some fantasy thoughts. It passes after a few minutes. I don't mind it too much. It's actually reassuring to know that my libido is strong and my parts work. I keep reminding myself that I will be able to use the energy, so don't waste it and don't feed the addiction. Some day my sperm will find its way to the right vagina . . .LOL. Be patient and use the energy to live a good life.

I did get in a 2 mile walk yesterday and I eschewed junk food and had a low carb dinner. I feel kind of crappy this morning and I am sure there are a number of reasons for that. I think that diet and sleep are two of the main reasons. My body isn't going to like giving up sugar, taking in fewer calories, and fewer carbs, etc. I know it is going to suck for a while. I don't have a specific plan in place yet, I just know I need to start moving in more of a paleo type of direction. I gave myself permission to indulge in junk for a while in order to help me get through the initial stages of hard mode. Now, I am starting to push the boundaries a little further by cracking down on my diet and increasing my exercise.

FUN! (not) It will be worth it, though. I am about 20 pounds overweight and I can't lift much weight or run very far. So, I will be happy to make some big gains in the fitness department.

Good luck to everybody today.

 

I'll let you know if cold showers work for me. I haven't tried it yet.

Some people seem to like meditation, but I am not one of them. I hate it.

What I have found extremely helpful are Kegel and pelvic floor exercises.

For getting up straight out of bed, the best advice is to form a habit of doing some intense exercise first thing when you wake up, enough to break a sweat. Do it for a couple weeks and your body will respond at that time of morning by waking itself up.