My fiance is addicted to sexting with random girls online

First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Please know that everything you're feeling is valid. You have every right to feel hurt and upset and angry and a whole bunch of other things. You are being betrayed by he one person you should be able to trust most.

There are so many things to address here, but one of the most important points I want to make is also one of the most painful and difficult to accept. However, it's something that I wish I would've been able to understand years ago. It would've saved me from loads of heartbreak due to being stuck in the loop of my husband's addiction.

No matter how badly you're hurting, no matter how much you beg and plead and pour your heart out to him, no matter how many times he says he's sorry or how many hundreds of empty promises he makes to stop, no matter how destroyed you feel from the repeated disregard for your feelings and your relationship...none of these things matter at all as long as he wants his addictive behaviors to still be in his life. And, clearly, that's what he wants.

I'm sorry to seem harsh, but that is just a fact. Yes, he loves you and wants to be with you. No, he doesn't want to hurt you or lose you. But, the only thing that really matters is that he loves his addiction just a little bit more than you, and he wants his addiction to be around just a little bit more.

Addicts will deny all of this and say, "Of course I love you more than sexting with other girls." But, addicts don't only lie to their SO. First and foremost, they lie to themselves. That's how they live with themselves while doing so many hurtful things that destroy those who love them most.

When you have clearly and repeatedly explained how much their behavior is hurting you and they keep doing it anyway, they are choosing their addiction over you. They will continue choosing the addiction over you until they, on their own, decide they want to stop, and even when they decide that, it's still very difficult and requires a lot of hard work. The road to recovery is never easy. It's never painless. It sucks. But, it is possible.

Many SO's think they can do the work themselves to help their partner get to recovery. Please understand that you cannot do any of their recovery work for them. They have to do it all or it won't work. And, like I said already, they have to actually want it...not just tell themselves they want it...they have to get to a point where they truly believe that life with the addiction is more painful than life without it. That is a huge bridge to cross, but it has to happen or nothing will change.

You have to decide what's best for you. Are you willing to tolerate a life filled with disrespect, empty promises, and repeated heartbreak until he finally decides that his addiction isn't worth destroying you and your life together?

I know nothing I've said is very encouraging, and I apologize for that. But, I want you to understand the reality that I was oblivious to for way too long.

 

I understand the anguish and the desparation to find some way to ease the pain you feel. It's overwhelming. Betrayal trauma often takes the help of outside support to work through, but there are several options that you can try, both online and in person. I don't think I would have ever been able to get through it on my own. The support of other betrayed SO's has made a world of difference for me, and I know it's helped so many others as well.

Reading books about BT is something I found very helpful. Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens is a really good one to start. It explains everything you're going through and helps you understand it all more clearly. I know it has been helpful for some addict partners to read, too, so they get a better idea about your side...to help them realize that you're not just "crazy" or "jealous."

There are online support groups on Facebook and btr.org is another great resource. They have both free and paid options. For me, it was comforting to realize that I was not alone in dealing with this, and there are numerous others out there who truly understand what you're experiencing.

Something I wish I would've known in the beginning is that it is extremely difficult if not impossible to make progress in healing if you're still in the situation where the betrayal continues. Each and every time you experience another discovery of betrayal, the wound deepens. The rate of healing is so slow that you can never progress if the damage is still being done. This is why you have to really consider if it's in your best interest to stay somewhere that is slowly destroying you.

When you say that he wants to stop, going from the things you've said, I would have to disagree. I believe that he wants you to not be hurt by his actions anymore, but he doesn't want it enough to stop. Addicts often think they can figure out a way to keep both their SO and the addiction in their life. To do this, they become better liars, better deceivers, and try harder to convince you everything is good.

I also believe that he tells himself (at times) that he wants to stop, but deep down, whether he will admit it or not, he actually doesn't. The reason I say that is because, if he really, truly wanted to stop, he would be taking actions that show he wants to stop. He wouldn't just say it. Finding a CSAT, attending support groups, reading books about recovery, finding an accountability partner, journaling, etc. Those are things that might indicate someone is serious about recovery. An addict is never able to stop just by saying they want to. If they could do that, they wouldn't be an addict. It takes a lot of intentional work, life changes, a complete shift in mindset, and so much more to get in real recovery.

Another important thing to understand is that simply stopping the behavior is not even enough. That's sobriety, and that does not equal recovery. Plenty of addicts stop the behavior for significant amounts of time, but if they do nothing else towards recovery, they'll nearly always relapse at some point. And, no length of time is exempt from that for an addict. There is someone here on NoFap that had well over 1000 days of sobriety, but he didn't do any other recovery work and relapsed eventually...and has struggled again ever since.

I know all of this is a lot to take in, especially when you're already hurting so much. I just want you to understand the enormous task it is to get into lasting recovery for someone so deep in the addiction. This is something that will realistically take years of work, and even in the best case scenario, it's difficult and painful.

Right now, you need to look out for you.