Mixed emotions

I'm sorry that you're feeling regret after being honest with your gf, but I believe that was the right thing to do.

You didn't betray yourself. You may have betrayed and exposed the addict part of you, but that's ok because that's what you're trying to rid yourself of in the first place. You took some power away from the addiction by doing that. PA's here talk a lot about exposing the addiction to someone and how it's a necessary part of recovery because the addiction thrives in secrecy. I think what you're probably feeling is shame which is normal. It's a huge part of addiction. But, you can't let the shame drive you back to your addiction just to numb the feelings.

As the SO of a long-time PA, I think telling your gf was a great, positive step for your recovery. By not telling her, you would've been betraying her. Being honest with her was the right thing to do.

 

It might? I believe I'm among the vast majority of SO's who would agree that being open about it would exponentially reduce the amount of pain and damage caused by their PA. For many, the lies and deceit are even more damaging than the PA itself. By choosing to keep it hidden, PA's are creating an entirely new level of trauma for their SO...one that doesn't need to exist if they're honest.

 

Yes! Many times the SO doesn't know about the addiction which is exactly what causes even more problems. They do know that their partner sometimes seems emotionally distant. They do know that their partner is growing less and less interested in sex with them. They do know that there are a lot of other changes they see happening...but they don't know why. They can try to talk to their partner to figure out what's going on, but if there's no honesty, then there's no real explanation. It is very frustrating and confusing and painful, and it makes the SO's begin to question and doubt themselves about everything. Even if their partner works towards recovery, for the SO, the doubt and insecurity will remain if there's never any kind of resolve for the unexplained.

Some PA's think they're good enough at lying and hiding that their SO never knows anything. I'd bet that's hardly ever the case. We know. Even if we don't know exactly what's happening, we still know something is off.

Of course, it's tempting because that's the addict part of the brain trying to rationalize the secrecy to keep it stronger. But, if you're truly serious about recovery, you'll eventually understand that, to get into successful long-term recovery, you cannot continue lying and deceiving. To do so is to hang onto a part of the addiction...to protect it.

IMO, there can't be real relationship recovery (or individual recovery) without honesty. How can you ever have true intimacy with someone to whom you can't even be truthful?

 

That's great because it helps to have loving support. Just remember, honesty is the only way to go. Even if you have a slip, don't think it's best to hide it. It won't protect her from being hurt because, chances are, she'll find out anyway at some point, and then she'll be even more hurt by the fact you lied. Talk to her. Find out how involved she wants to be in your recovery. Ask her what she wants to know as far as progress, slips, etc., and then follow through with it. Also, if she asks questions about your PA, no matter how hard it is, tell her the truth.

 

I understand, yes. I think the majority of SO's here want that kind of relationship with their partners. In fact, I think most believed that's what they had, at least in the beginning. The ones that only worry about more sex probably aren't going to seek out the same support.

I think that goes along with addiction. However, to be truly committed to recovery, I think you have to suck it up and accept the consequences. It's part of it. Otherwise, you're not really committed, IMO.

I'm glad you're finally beginning to understand that dishonesty is a significant problem and not a solution.