Messed up in a big way.

Wow that is a tough situation. You progressed really far in your addiction. That's always been my biggest fear, progressing to actual acting out and my wife finding out. Now, it's time to progress in recovery. We're here for support. I do recommend SAA. I attend a Celebrate Recovery group and am working through men's step study. Also recommend Covenant Eyes to keep you accountable online. Maybe if your wife became your accountability partner on that, it could restore trust. I've been off porn for 5 months and know I couldn't do it without the software.

 

Good thoughts. The only thing I would advise differently is not to make your spouse the accountability partner in your blocker. They should not play that role as it harms their recovery and is not a good trust builder, contrary to what one might think, and it has the potential to harm your relationship. I would choose someone else.

 

I know some guys who hold themselves accountable to their wife and it works for them. I personally won't do that because I agree with you that it could be harmful and I need males who understand my problem. I guess it depends on the dynamic of the relationship. In the end restoring trust is hard, but working through programs like this and showing you are keeping accountable can help a lot.

 

So first, the bad news: I doubt very seriously that you see all the pain you've caused in its entirety. I don't believe that any of us addicts will ever be able to truly see all the pain and hurt we've caused our SO's and loved ones. We simply can't because we aren't the ones on the receiving end of it like they are. Yes, you messed up, and yes, you realize it, but that doesn't mean that you're aware of everything your wife is dealing with. And obviously, going to the strip club was really rubbing salt in an already nasty wound your wife was dealing with.

Now the good news: There is both hope AND help!!! You're aware of this problem and can absolutely move forward, but only if you're willing to! It's going to take time and effort. And I mean a LOT! (Of both!) This is not something to be taken lightly, it's an addiction. That's why there are so many resources dedicated to helping people fight it. If we underestimate it, or stop fighting it with everything we have every single day, we will fall victim to it sooner or later, it's just that simple. If we want recovery and sobriety from this addiction to lust badly enough, we will fight for it. If we fall victim to the desires of lust in any way, it's our own fault. There is no one to blame but ourselves, period. I see so many posts here and other places online about how lust addicts screw up again, and feel terrible about it, but not badly enough to do any of the hard work to really fight this addiction. They don't get into CSAT therapy. They don't join Sexaholics Anonymous. They don't get sponsors. The people in that boat just want to have the addiction taken from them without working hard to fight it. So many of them just want to talk to one or two people about it, and maybe post on a forum or two, and then expect to be "delivered" from the desires of an addiction that usually forms in us as children and has been there much longer than most of us ever suspected! And to those people, I wish them luck, but I don't expect much to ever change for them when they don't truly want to work for that change they say they want so badly. For the people who are actually willing to go out there, find sobriety and recovery, work for it, and fight tooth and nail to defend it, THOSE are the people I truly wish the best of luck to and pray for regularly. THOSE people are easily the ones who are most likely to find the sobriety we're all hoping for.

 

Have you reconciled with your wife?

 

Glad I could help. Feel free to PM me anytime.

 

Sounds like your on the road to recovery. Keep moving forward, and good job.

 

It sounds like a pretty low, low has been reached...which is what had to happen for me to fully surrender to my addiction. And though there is certainly unlimited amounts of hope for people like us, getting sober and staying stopped requires complete surrender and a lot of work...which is ultimately where others (myself included) fall short.

It wasn't until I fully surrendered and committed myself to actively working a program of recover one day at a time that I was finally able to put substantial sober time together. This means daily updates to my NoFap journal, helping others, reading outside recovery literature, prayer/meditation, therapy, active membership within 12 step communities, service work, accountability partners, healthy eating, exercise, and adequate sleep.

My journey has been quite long...lots of high highs and low lows. What I've learned through this process though is when I face fear, I am given courage. When I support another member of this community or 12 step fellowship, my capacity to love myself is increased. When I accept pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness. When I look at my dark side, I am brought in to a new light. And finally, when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a higher power, I am graced with unforseen strength.

Wishing you the best!