Marriage on the verge of ending -husband wont make the effort

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by LostHopeWife, Jun 10, 2019.

Do I stay and hope for the best?

  1. Stay

  2. Leave

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  1. LostHopeWife

    LostHopeWife Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone,

    This is my first post and I don't exactly know how it all works but I really need some guidance and dont have anywhere else to go.


    I got married just over two years ago. I knew something was off straight away in terms of intimacy and sex even at our honeymoon. I felt like I always had to initiate and that he wasn't 100% into it. A month into our marriage was when I trusted my instincts and went through my partners phone. I was shocked at what I found - porn, speaking to other ladies online, subscriptions to hooking up websites, the debt he was in, instagram accounts of girls and online pills (energy/focus pills) he was ordering. I confronted him, we had big arguments where he was really sorry and promised to change.

    It was 1 month into our marriage so I had to give him a chance and i believed he was sorry. Time and time again whenever we argued it was me comforting him telling him he is not a bad person and he just needed to change his ways.

    After i found out our sex life got worse. It felt forced, I even found enhancement drugs he had ordered and it made me feel horrible knowing he needed that to be with me.
    It went from a couple of times a week, to once a week, to once a month, down to nothing. We haven’t had sex in 19 months and I've been married for 26 months. It came to the point where every two weeks I'd have break downs and cry and ask him to try and have sex with me or show me any intimacy and work on his issues. Every time he would promise and say haven't i changed..followed by me finding out he's always lying, he's still using porn and has changed nothing.
    What complicates the issue more is that I fell pregnant 3 months into our marriage and we have a beautiful baby boy who turned 1 recently.
    We get along so well, however we live more like room mates in the sense that there's no romance, intimacy, kissing etc.
    I'm not unattractive, i didn't gain much weight during pregnancy and lost it all soon after i gave birth. It was always a new excuse. First it was I'm ashamed you found out so it makes it hard to be intimate, then it was I gained weight so i dont feel comfortable (he gained 25kg since we got married and i never said anything nor do i care), then it was you're pregnant it feels weird..followed by we wouldn't have time, you're looking after the baby and probably tired (which im not). His parents always take our baby to take care of him so we have a lot of nights with just us two at home.

    I'm tired of begging to be wanted. I sent him to the psychologist (a year after he promised he would go, he finally went) and all they spoke about was his work and his other issues with little focus on us and porn.
    He continues to not save money and waste it on online prescription drugs, continues to go on porn with bouts of trying NoFap, barely has energy to spend time with us and shows no affection.
    If i didn't have my son to worry about I probably wouldn't have stuck around for so long.
    I desperately want to make it work but am running out of options. Am i kidding myself by believing that he actually wants to change? Do I stay?
     
  2. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Nothing will change unless he wants it to and puts in the hard work. There is nothing you can do for him. I'm sorry to say from what you write it doesn't sound like he is ready to get help and get better. He is making excuses, nothing you have done is the reason for his actions. Things will likely get worse, many PA will escalate. Many people suggest going to a dr and having a STD test done. He is an addict and lies, it is better to get yourself checked out than worry about your health.
    If you want to give it one more push you can set up boundaries and consequences. But whatever your consequences are make sure you stick to them, if you don't enforce them it is worse than not having any in place. These are there to protect you, not to punish him. In the end the effort, work and desire has to come from him. You can support him, but this is his addiction and his job to fix. You can't do that for him. Think about how things are now, can you live with that and worse? Do you want your son raised in this? Do you want better? To love and be loved? I'm sorry you have this choice to make, it is hard. You deserve love, attention, intimacy and truth.
     
  3. Luvspin68

    Luvspin68 Fapstronaut

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    It does not look like he is interested to change. At all. I think you should leave him. Have a good co-parenting relationship with him( because you seem to be friends) let him wallow in his dopamine fueled porn bingers and then you are free to find someone who truly loves and values you.
     
    LostHopeWife likes this.
  4. LostHopeWife

    LostHopeWife Fapstronaut

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    Hi, thanks so much for your reply.
    I have a follow up question. I really want to make this marriage work but I honestly feel like I've tried everything. He seems to just want me to give him time while he continues to live the same way while putting little effort into recovering.
    My question is what can I try next?
    I hear a lot about boundaries and consequences but i believe I have implemented these in the past but wasn't able to keep my word on the consequences because i felt it would just end our marriage for good. I've said to him time and time again "i give you a month to see changes in you and for you to get intimate with me otherwise I will go to a third person such as parents etc to open up to and get help from". But every time i couldn't go ahead with it because I know that once i go to a third person it’s over, he's going to feel horrible and embarrassed and give up completely on changing. Another was i said multiple times, if you order thosw drugs one more time, it's over..and still this didn't keep him from ordering them and once again i couldn't live up to my promise because i really want to make it work, not only for my kid but because i really want a life with him.

    What do i do now? This time I'm fed up and serious about him needing to change and I'm ready to leave because it doesn't seem like he gives a shit about us.
     
  5. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    His is this situation affecting your parenting etc... Your child desperately needs an actively engaged and attuned parent..preferably parents, but obviously that’s not possible at this point. If I was in your position, I would gain as much education as possible on sex addiction. Disengage from any conversation with your PA regarding his addiction . Just spend time with your little boy and read, watch videos etc...knowledge is power and the right decision will come to you.
    It maybe in the best interest of the child to leave and go to your parents , and by child I mean your PA.
    Please be good to you, so you can be good to your baby boy. He deserves the very best mommy.
     
    C.HNF likes this.
  6. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry, it sounds like it is a lost cause. But you know the situation better than I do so maybe there is some hope. For boundaries and consequences do not make consequences that you can not follow through hoping you will not have to do them. If you say do X and I am leaving be prepared to leave. What happens if you tell a kid not to do something or they are grounded and you don't ground them? They will do it and continue to because there are no consequences to their actions. PA are the same, in many ways they are like kids and sometimes you must treat them that way. It sucks, they are adults and should act like it, you shouldn't have to play mommy or babysitter or police them. Everything about this sucks and hurts.
    But you need to figure out what is ok and what is not. What you can live with and what you can not. How do you want to be treated, how do you want your relationship to be. Leaving and divorce should be the last resorts and not be used as empty threats.
     
    LostHopeWife and Lostneverland like this.
  7. King Og of Bashan

    King Og of Bashan Fapstronaut

    So sorry you're going through this. I would suggest temporary separate and if nothing changes get divorced. I hate divorce but it might be necessary.

    I would say @LostHopeWife should be good to herself for her own sake. Sure it's good to be a good mother but mother's are people too. I'm reminded of a scene from Wives and Daughters where this women says, "I will be good to Molly for her mother's sake". And Molly's Dad responds by saying, "No! You should be good to Molly for her own sake".
     
    LostHopeWife likes this.
  8. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    King of bashan....you are correct, however sometimes the emotional pain is TOO MUCH and sometimes a person needs an inspiration to carry on the best they can.
     
    LostHopeWife likes this.
  9. King Og of Bashan

    King Og of Bashan Fapstronaut

    Yes, someone needs a inspiration to start recovery and that inspiration might be the man's wife but in some cases it's not. I've heard of some guys who start taking recovery seriously when the wife leaves them. Maybe that's what needs to be done. Either way things need to change.
     
  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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  11. LostHopeWife

    LostHopeWife Fapstronaut

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    I feel a little lost and empty right now.

    I set up boundaries and consequences around 12 days ago and we agreed and started following them 10 days ago. I gave him 2 days time to process them because he requested time.
    One of those were to post here daily or atleast every second day. He only posted once so far and that was 4 days ago. The other was that he was to be more intimate with me and nothing has changed.
    Im so deflated because he thinks he's doing so much and changing so much yet he's still not following through on his promises.
    It kills me that I have to beg to him to be intimate with me.

    I feel so worthless and down and upset and I just dont know what to do. Regardless of these i even arranged a surprise birthday dinner for him with his friends and he didn't even acknowledge it, or thank me. After they surprised him, i just said alright guys have fun I'm off, and he just sat with his friends and didnt say bye or anything. And then later on when he was back i kept asking how was it etc hoping he would say yeah thank you it was great so sweet of you to do this, but nothing. Until i said you didn't even say thanks.. then he said oh i was going to thank you when i saw you (i was out at the time), then i got home and again nothing. Until i mentioned it again and he said oh i was going to say it once you put our son to sleep.. and he called me over to give me a hug and say thanks.
    Maybe it's not a big deal but it's still deflating. Given that he really drained it before we got to the dinner saying he didn't want to go out to that particular restaurant etc.

    I'm just so over it. I want to be genuinely wanted by a man.
    I don't want to f*ing remind him he's not following the boundary of intimacy
    It feels stupid to ask someone to be intimatw with you time and time again and get nothing in return.
    Not to forget that my sons been unwell and just cries all day which just adds to my stress.
    I just want it to be over. I want to be a happy family.
     
  12. Transmute Suffering

    Transmute Suffering Fapstronaut

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    Figure out if he has depression or anxiety, that could be the cause. Could be work related, as well. Go to doctor and get him to take depression/anxiety meds for a few months. Get both of you into a fitness plan.

    Figure out why he married you in the first place. What is the difference of your relationship between you both when you first met, and now, after you're married.

    demanding is also not helping the cause either, if he's suffering from mental illness, as it's an extra heavy weight.
     

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