Many days I don't think I'm "doing it" because it has been such a roller-coaster. Some days are really hard and filled with hopelessness, and grief. It is life shattering, and I think for me, I have stayed for several reasons: In the beginning it was about not making any decision until I understood more of what I was dealing with, and got some more safety and emotional stability in place. Then, it was make a list of non negotiable boundaries, safety boundaries, and self care (ask over and over: What do I need? What am I willing to put up with?). I am aware that no matter the path, it is a hard road. I highly value and desire to be a family, and am willingly to do the work and fight for me, and my family. I am rooting for him, and don't want to see him continue to live in such a destructive way. It is hard, but even though the waves come, there continues to be progress. Since, my husband is choosing to work hard in recovery, we have experienced a new level of vulnerability and intimacy, and so there is that. In addition, and this is a big one, my husband is committed to HONESTY, and that is a huge thing in being able to even possibly recover. We have been married for almost 13 years and been through a lot. My goal remains to continue working towards my own healing and being in a better position and mindset that if he does choose to go back to his addiction, I will be more confident that I will be ok. I can continue to grow as a person, and work towards a place of peace where I can accept that the scars will always be there, but I can still have joy and peace in life (serenity prayer is a good reminder). I feel for you, and trickling disclosures are awful. Know, that you are not alone, and there is good days. It is a long road, and it is ok that some days are about getting through one moment at a time. Again, you are not alone, and I encourage you to be kind to yourself. We are all trying to make our way in this very broken world, and there is hope.