I am (was) living the good life by all accounts: married my best friend, have a beautiful and bright daughter, good job, white picket fence etc. I’ve been married for 16 years but I’ve had this soul scorching secret since I was a teen myself. It started with magazines, adult channels and now it’s so much easier with all these sites. My wife didn’t have a clue, I never even hinted at any of this. Two years ago, she was using my laptop to do some research for a work project. I must have forgotten to x out my last windows, but when she opened chrome, up popped up the last page I visited, P… obviously. Then I guess she started digging deeper and found my history and links going back about a year. Now she normally only used her computer but it was messed up, so she used mine and I didn’t even think twice. Anyway, she came upstairs and we had a blowout. I swore to her that it’s only been going on for one year, it was nothing serious and I would stop, delete everything and never do it again and that I would let her check my laptop every week. She forgave me but since this was a onetime deal, if she ever caught wind of this again, I would lose her for good. So I tried my best to control my urges, I even upped the romance (flowers, chocolates, more date nights) but after about three months she still would constantly reject me. I so I broke and instead of seeking out help for this problem, I thought trying to go back to this secret life was easier and thought I’d be smarter this time and not get caught. This time instead of my laptop which she checked, I found ways to get to PM from my phone and then delete everything just in case, to be honest I was even considering some “business trips” with hookers but never went through with it. I assumed it would be less risky than my phone and I was getting desperate. So another year and a half went by, slowly she began letting me at least kiss her (progress) but still no sex, as much I really wanted her, I mean love her more than anything. Well last night, somehow she found out about ALL of my continued PM activity from the last year and a half. So this morning, my wife of 16 years has just walked out on me and has taken our child with her, our daughter, my baby girl. I am stuck in this big empty house and all because I couldn’t control myself or admit that I needed help. What makes this so much more painful is my daughter overheard the blowout me and my wife had over this. She was irate, crying, and screaming and neither of us noticed that the bedroom door was open, so not only my wife but my daughter, will never look at me the same way again. All because of my addiction to P. So now, here I am, left here to clean up this mess I made and that is how I found this site and will be starting this journey and hopefully it is something that can help me break free of this debilitating disease. I hope this is the breakthrough I need, thanks all. - Jacob
Dude, i feel for you. It's a really hard habbit to break and often having all the trappings of marriage, good career and family still wont be enough to stop the habbit in its tracks, as you have found out the hard way. Porn regularly drives a wedge between relationships and your wife has every right to be angry because at this moment she probably feels betrayed, will have feelings of self doubt like 'why didn't i notice anything' or 'what's so wrong with me that he feels he has to watch porn' also her trust will be shattered. This is something that will take a long time to heal, it's not something you can just make a half hearted promise with or accept an ultimatum and over night things will be better. I would recommend counseling with a trained therapist because right now you will be contending with a lot of emotions and likely the way you dealt with them in the past or recently wont be the best way. I can't say i have experience with dealing with porn addiction in a relationship but i've beat my addiction and can recommend some good books for you to start to understand the problem. I can't stress enough though how important that getting help on a face to face basis is. our addictions thrive in shame and secrecy and now it's time to take that power away and face up to it, get it all out in the open, uncover those wounds and work through the problems. When you start putting action in and your wife can see that you are genuinely trying then you might be able to start to patch the relationship back together again. Here are the books I would recommend The Porn Trap, by Wendy and Larry Maltz In the Shadows of the Net by Dr Patrick Carnes Pornland, 'How porn has hijacked our sexuality' by Gail Dines These books really helped me to understand a lot of things and could be helpful at some later stage for your wife to read so she can get an understanding but at the moment you need to concentrate on getting yourself off this habbit before any more damage is done.
Heartbreaking story. Thank you for posting, it reminds me why I am here and why it is so important to beat this addiction.
Because she caught me keeping such a huge lie(life) from her. She considers this the biggest betrayal of her life.
Thank you so much for all of those resources. I am going to get all of those books as well as find a SA therapist to help guide me into a better life. Maybe, she'll see changes and consider coming back, maybe not now but some day.
No, she said "After 14 yrs (at the time) you could have come to me and asked for help, instead you decided that this was okay and did it even when I was giving birth to our child" She said a lot of things, it was really bad.
I see. I'm really sorry. I think if you explain to her what addiction really is, she might understand. The thing is, addicted people don't realize they are addicted until it's very obvious.
Hey man I feel for you man I mean this is a huge blow and in a way it makes me realise that this addiction doesn't just break us,it breaks our relationships and everyone we care for. Wish you all the best brother and stay strong.
Thanks man, I am still hoping if I get myself better, I might be able to be honest with her and work things out.
Damn man, that is truly breaking my heart. But you have made the best decision you could by looking for help over here. I really agree with LilD. She doesn't seem to understand what it is to have an addiction like this one, and at the moment she is probably still blinded with pain. You need to start improving yourself, working towards beating this addiction, and in a few days/weeks/months, whenever the time is right, you could try talking to her about it and explaining how riveting of an addiction this is and how, because so little is known about it, few ever really think about the consequences when they start in the first place. Yesterday your old life ended, today your new one begins. You have all the power now to make it a good one, and slowly regain her trust.
I am 22... I assume you're far older than me... I read this and my brain, that part of brain that is against porn, said me "this is what will happen if you don't get rid of it"
A bit older, almost 38. When I was single I never thought this was wrong but as the years go by it becomes more excessive. I suggest trying your best to kick this habit, before you have a good woman and lose her. I wish you luck on your journey.
What you said here is true. I had a good woman last year and this habit got in the way and i lost her for good. Now I just found me another good one and with this one I'm working hard on keeping her.
Wow. My words are probably inadequate, but I'm very sorry to read all of this. I hope that you can find the help that you need here. It's usually a friendly, supporting community and I've found some great friends and support here. I wish you well!
You know there's a story of a caterpillar that was living his life greatfully and awesome one nigth he started to feel strange and diffrent everything had changed so he startet to capsul himself in a cocoon now you're cocoon is oppening this is youre chance to fly my friend.
