Lil D's Lil Journal

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Reboot Logs' started by LilD, Dec 29, 2017.

  1. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Day 11

    This morning I had an erotic dream which made me wake up earlier than usual, with a strong erection. This made me feel good about myself because previously even hardcore porn haven't given me this level of excitement. But at the same time, I felt desperate for having an orgasm and wished it was a wet dream.

    Since I committed to abstaining from masturbation, I just waited until I calmed down, fighting myself not to continue the dream in my fantasies. I haven't done a very good job of doing so, and even though erection had gone, I had a slight pain in my balls, so I had to get out of the bed to make a massage.

    After that, I made a big mistake of listening to relaxing video, which made me feel sleepy. I went back to bed and fell asleep, which resulted in another dream, this time a very nasty one. This was a wet dream, but instead of feeling relieved, I felt guilty and disgusted, both because of the contents of the dream and the fact that I could have prevented that.

    But it happened already, so instead of blaming myself, I decided to start this journal, so that I can learn from my mistakes.

    I had another wet dream on day 3, so 2 times in total so far. I hope that this will happen more rarely as I go.
    GreatAgainOk likes this.
  2. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    It may be wise to skip the relaxing videos in the future.
  3. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Day 12

    I had some kind of erotic dream, but I don't even remember, which is a good sign. The day went pretty well, I didn't even think too much about sex.

    I found out I gained a bit more weight. I am still underweight, but now only ever so slightly below the range of normal BMI.
  4. Sôgmô Gray Lock

    Sôgmô Gray Lock Fapstronaut

    Sup D just droppin by to say WAZZUP!
    LilD likes this.
  5. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Day 13

    Yesterday, when I did my evening meditation before sleeping, I asked myself if I actually want to see an erotic dream tonight. I was honest enough to admit that I actually wanted it. Then, I thought about how it would affect my rebooting, and it made me change my mind, so I ended up wishing (speaking to my subconsciousness) to see some other kind of dream. I crushed some insect on my wall just before going to bed, so tonight I saw a dream where I had a pet centipede which was constantly trying to bite me. :eek:

    During the day, I was irritated at many random people, so I didn't have any urges at all, except for the urge of getting into a quarrel with somebody. I also went to a new year "party", which was the most boring irritating event I've had in a while. I was sitting in the corner and speaking to another bored guy.

    Happy new year!
  6. Sôgmô Gray Lock

    Sôgmô Gray Lock Fapstronaut

    I am all out of likes today my friend but Happy New Year D!
    LilD likes this.
  7. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

  8. Sôgmô Gray Lock

    Sôgmô Gray Lock Fapstronaut

    Sure. A song for you, might not be back to visit for quite some time. I truly wish for you to meet your goals here!

    LilD likes this.
  9. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Day 14, morning

    Today the skies are overcast, and I've been noticing that on dark mornings I have barely any energy to get out of my bed. I feel tired and sleepy, even though I slept well. When it's sunny, I usually feel much better, unless there's something else which makes me feel down.

    I had a very perverted dream, but at least it wasn't a wet one.
    tellentJP likes this.
  10. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Day 15

    I feel boredom, guilt, irritation, and anxiety for the last 2 days, but sexual urges are almost non-existent.
  11. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Day 16, morning

    I had a pretty nasty erotic dream. It wasn't wet, and it wasn't even explicit, but the story was revolving around the lust, and it had some additional gross details to it, which I will not include. It was my fault that I had this dream, because I didn't get up right after the alarm ringed, stayed in the bed, and fell asleep multiple times. When I finally woke up, I continued thinking through this dream's story, but somehow I didn't end up masturbating.

    Most of my morning masturbation sessions started exactly like this one, but today something was different. I felt like the dream was emotionally suffocating me. It's hard to describe.

    I looked out the window and saw the grey world covered by overcast skies. Everything outside and inside my room was grey. In contrast, the dream was bright orange, but at the same time, it felt exactly as monochromatic. Both seemed equally ugly, but the dream was also the fake one. Something inside told me, "If both suck, why not choose the real one at least?" So I did.

    I was very hungry because I slept the whole morning, so I immediately went to eat. It is very important to never be hungry, lonely, tired, and angry when you have an addiction. I violate this rule too often. The food was tasteless, so I even had to watch some "food porn" on YouTube to stimulate my appetite. It's funny how I use the same coping mechanisms with food, as with sex. The difference is that I actually eat real food, of course, but my stomach has some kind of depression-induced appetite dysfunction, just like I have a porn-induced erectile dysfunction.
    +TenPercent and Rising Force like this.
  12. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Day 17

    There is a girl I like. She had a quarrel with a guy we both know. It was initially her fault, but he called her names over the phone, in a very bad manner. Even though I do believe she did wrong, I also think that no one should be called that word he called her, no matter what are the reasons.

    So, I was angry when I found out. I decided to confront him, and I waited for a moment when there were only two of us. Instead of telling him what I've just written, I said something feeble, like, "If I were you, I wouldn't say that," to which he replied, "well, you're not me, and I'm not you." I was simply too afraid of him to be more direct. He is older than me, bigger than me, he looks stronger, and he's definitely more straightforward.

    I feel like a roach hiding in a wall crack. And it is not the porn or my addiction to blame. I just don't have enough balls.
    u376 and Rising Force like this.
  13. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Day 18

    Today was just great.

    I woke up apathetic, as usual. I was planning to go to a party, but I didn't want to go because of my usual social fear and prejudice about this type of events. I've been to those before, and usually, it wasn't fun at all because I was mostly sitting in the corner and not talking to anyone. But I promised myself to try to socialize better, so I ended up going, and it was great.

    I talked to many people, but most importantly I talked to the girl I like. She actually sat next to me, and also asked to take a few photos of her on the event. I'm not really sure if she is just being friendly or if she likes me, but I want to get to know her better. Right now, I don't even have any means of contacting her, except via common friends.
    Rising Force likes this.
  14. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Day 19

    Nothing much happened. I noticed that my fantasies are now focused on this girl only, but I stop them anyway because I don't want to substitute her with my imagination. My whole porn addiction problem is a substitution for real-life relationships.

    Talked to my friend about love. I don't understand what it is to love someone (romantically).
    Captain A likes this.
  15. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Day 20

    I woke up late because yesterday before I fell asleep I was laying in my bed thinking about my crush. I was twisting and turning and finally decided to search for her Facebook page. I found it and then immediately started thinking about if I should send her a friend request that late in the night. Finally, I've done it and meditated until I fell asleep.

    I was hoping to see her today at a meeting, but she wasn't there. I am really worried about this affection because I don't know if it's a true interest or if it just a response of my organism to porn and masturbation abstinence. I really wish my feelings are true.
  16. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Day 21, morning

    Had a pornographic dream, a very short one, I don't even remember the contents. As usual, I didn't get up and fell asleep again, but thankfully the rest of my dreams were not erotic. I feel like I really need to get up right after I woke up, even if it's before an alarm.

    I've peeked at the photos of my crash again, but on a different social network. I decided to stop doing that, one time is enough. Don't want to be a stalker, I feel disrespectful to myself and her.

    I need to go outside to make a small thing, but my social anxiety kicks in, as always. I got rid of a few distractions and decided to do it right after I finish writing this post.

    Once again, I have a period in my life when I feel like a scared child. I feel sad, anxious, and hopeless. However, this time I know what to do.
    Rising Force likes this.
  17. Hey @LilD ,

    I enjoy your journal. Glad you are doing so well.

    For me about half of NoFap is in the program and the other half in the fellowship. The fellowship is in the profiles. You have your profile set so it can't be seen.

    My experience is that I took out any information that was "too personal", then opened up my profile to everyone. It's a great way to communicate. Shorter, and faster than on the forum.

    - L
  18. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Hi StopTheMusic! Thanks for the advice.

    As a rule, I always set all privacy settings to the most conservative options when I'm on a new site, and then later I adjust them as necessary. It's just too bothersome to decide everything at once, and privacy is too important to be left to defaults.
  19. Hey @LilD ,

    This is the exact kind of conversation that would normally be had on a person's profile. But, I agree with you. You have to feel safe on any website.

    - L
  20. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Day 21, evening

    I was talking about my nofap progress on a 12-step meeting. After the meeting, one guy who I have a couple of grudges for suggested me to go to a strip club, as a way to get rid of my porn addiction. I really hate his arrogance and ignorance.

    When I went to sleep, I had no erotic fantasies, but I just couldn't stop thinking about my crush. I tried meditation and switching to other thoughts, but I was constantly shifting every thought into some kind of fantasy where I'm discussing that topic with her. I ended up writing her a message on social networks, but it didn't help immediately. I've spent 2 hours twisting and turning in my bed before I finally fell asleep. I even tried reading and playing puzzle games on my phone to get busy.

    The worst thing is that I don't know if it's just another obsession, a replacement for porn, or if I'm really into her.

    Day 22, morning

    I'm feeling a bit sleepy, but okay. I got up as soon as I woke up to prevent any fantasies, and it seems to work.

    Deleted all triggering anime bookmarks.
    Captain A likes this.

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