Leaving the Hive

Please go easy on yourself. It’s not your fault or responsibility. I know exactly what you are going through. All the lies, false hope, deceit, manipulation, gaslighting , stonewalling etc...
Ya it SERIOUSLY SUCKS.
I’m not sure what you are thinking of doing...but what ever it is you have my support and encouragement. Please keep remembering that this ISN'T YOUR FAULT

 

So sorry.
Just got caught up on this thread

You’ve given me a good reminder of the pain I could cause if I were to slip up or just go back to my hidden ways.
I appreciate the reminder.
But I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.
You’ve always been very supportive of others here, so I’m confident that you have been a supportive wife as well.
Hope you can find some peace for yourself to pull through.

 

Ya it’s weird how the PAs behaviour, voice and attitude changes. It’s like dealing with a total stranger.

 

I hear ya...and it messes with your mind. I have been there and was at a loss of how to deal with it. I mean I love him and hate the behaviour , but at the same time I was trying to deal with my own betrayal pain.
I believe what everyone else has said here...the spouse of a PA has to take care of themselves extra gently and compassionately. Be good to you regardless of what he does or doesn’t do.

 

I dont make decisions for you. I would not be able to function in that situation

From reading your post just now I would like you to drink some coffee, walk outside to a quiet place and re read the last post you penned

It sounds to me you have made a decision and even tailored it to better fit for you and your PA

As a PA I cant argue or dispute the fact that YOU need to do what YOU need to be happy and somewhat whole and secure.

My prayers to you and your family

 

Yup, all us SO’s were dragged in unsuspectingly. I tried for years, although never knowing about the addiction, I knew something was off. Once the addiction was exposed, things got progressively worse...I think on both our parts. I was deeply hurt, still am, he and his addiction was exposed and we began a new circle dance. Me watching being hyper vigilant and him hiding more and becoming more secretive.
I don’t think there are any easy answers. I will always love my PA , however I have to love me too. I told my children , adult kids that is, and although they are all sad...they do offer support for both of us.
At some point the merry go round has to stop. Prayers being sent to you.

 

Queen bee - I agree with the above comment - I wouldn't be hasty about any decision for atleast a few days because your mind is understandably in a real mess right now. I am praying for you after this post is made.

However, I do wonder why there are only two options on the table? I can think of several other options?

> Why doesn't he leave the house? (Why should you have to leave?)
> Can you instead separate without divorce so that you don't lose your house? (I am not encouraging this or otherwise)

How about you Taser him for every time he has lied to you

Jokes aside, I can think of a lot more alternatives - how come your restricting it to just two options?

 

Ok, you might feel calm right now but didn’t this get found out yesterday? It’s been less than 48 hours right?

Naturally you’re going to be feeling a mixture of sadness, being disappointed, angry, frustrated and betrayed right now!

Especially because as you say this is the 2nd time this has happened. The 2nd ****** time. You have going through the books / fanos etc for how long? 735 days?!? and then after all that you find this...

I don’t believe anyone can make the best decisions in this state, I’m sorry but I don’t.

 

Understood.
Whatever you decide to do I am sure all the SOs on here will support you. If there is anything I can do too let me know.
You are an amazing person, never forget that.

 

Hey...QnB42078. I get it. My PA is exactly the same. They can be the nicest guy out in public, yet behind closed doors it’s totally different. I spent years wondering what’s wrong with me , when our friends and neighbors would say he’s such a kind and wonderful man....yet there was always something missing.

My PA has been gone since Tuesday afternoon. He’s doing just fine . He was out for a visit today. Although he is homeless at the moment, it doesn’t seem to bother him. He mentioned it would be nice to sleep on a bed...but I’m confident he’ll find that.

He seemed to just be able to totally detach and more on. It’s heartbreakingly sad.

 

Indeed! I hope this separation will help him understand that.

The court jester is an interesting one - I often think about my state as an addict and I found I best express it as being similar to a dog. This is not me degrading myself - I simply understand that my brain is made up of three parts - the appetitive/reptilian brain which deals with the base desires - lust and food. The middle brain which deals with emotion and the higher brain (intellect) which deals with complex issues. Dogs have the same type of brain except the upper brain (intellect) so they can't restrain their lower desires. I on the other hand should be subjugating the lower brain using the intellect. It's not easy but if I did this successfully I wouldn't be an addict.

So by not doing this I am just giving into the lower parts of the brain and when I think about that I feel ungrateful to my lord because I am behaving like a dog.

This is one of the reasons why I think you SOs are so amazing. It must be like living an animal