Leaving the Hive

Well, for me, agreeing to disagree is in regards to a sexless marriage.

So that would involve me staying for the good of the marriage / family as a whole. It wouldn't mean I was happy being in a sexless marriage, just that I had accepted that is where my wife is at and I accept I cannot change it but choose to stay anyways. I can hope it will change, I can communicate what I want, but I can't expect or demand change after *I* have made the decision to stay.

I haven't made that decision but I know it has to be acceptance or leave or I will be miserable.

 

Does he avoid sex?

 

Nothing alarming...good. You taking Neurontin (aka Gabapentin) by chance?

 

I think that’s your answer. He resents having to give up his addiction. Until he thinks it’s bad for him, he won’t give it up. He will just keep it hidden better.

 

I've been following this thread, and I just wanted to drop in a quick comment. As an addict of 30+ years who has been actively trying to quit for more than 10, I can say the only thing that gave me any kind of progress in recovery was a shock to the system accompanied by a strong desire to get clean. As long as the status quo continues, he will remain in a P-fog.

I was very nearly caught in the act by my teenage daughter, and it rocked me to the core. The realization that I could lose everything meaningful in my life because of porn became my "why" for quitting. Even with something this dramatic, there was still only small window of time afterward where my heart was open to change, and I was willing to make recovery my #1 priority. Within a month, the urges and temptations returned, but by then I had a plan in place and began the difficult work that needs to be put into recovery. I still have good and bad days- this is a long road.

I don't know what the "why" will be for your husband, but I want to caution you that he will not change unless there is some kind of paradigm shifting incident in his life. Sad but true. I'm sorry about your situation- it is 100% not your fault.

 

Honesty is a must for the situation in my opinion.

But what does that look like for you? I'm sure you don't want a play by play of his viewing activities.

Knowing that laptop is used for P? Monitoring of some sort without blocking? Just asking when you want and getting an honest answer? I really don't know what might work (if anything). Getting to honesty might be tough, because if there is shame, there is a desire to hide the cause of that shame. Another reason that I think perhaps the only way your relationship could work (as things are) is if you accept him and his problem and he can do what he obviously wants to so shame free.

I understand that sounds like giving an addict a free pass, and it pretty much is. But if the decision is a free pass or giving up, it is your decision to make and be at peace with, no one else's.

To use another example from my marriage: My wife suffers from paranoid delusions. If that was our only issue (it isn't, as noted earlier) I could probably live with that and the other family problems it leads to. But, it sure would be *easier* to live with if she could be honest and open about these thoughts and communicate them to me. I won't agree with them, I won't think they are based in reality, but not knowing what she is *really* thinking is a problem. I know when she is doing worse, I get some clues in conversation, but I can't ask and get truth.

I think when you can ask and get truth, only then is living with the issue possible.

 

I am married, and my spouse does not know. I have to admit, it is a very hard path trying to do this on my own (without spousal support), but there are other factors in both our families that would be triggered by confiding at this point.

I have concluded that I will tell her, but not until i have made some significant progress in recovery. 13 months clean is good, but it's not enough to feel that this is behind me yet.

 

Then I will have to own it and the fallout that comes with it.

I see this as my last opportunity to get out of addiction cleanly. I have wanted sobriety for so long but until this past year never made any progress.

It took me quite a while to unpack the things that led to my addiction, but somewhere around 6 months sober is when I began to understand what drove me there in the first place (things that happened long before I met my wife). Starting a journal was a huge help in surfacing these past hurts, and something I never tried in the past.

There is a part of me that knows if I told my wife about those things , she would understand; but I really don't want to drag her through the ups and downs of recovery. Addiction is ugly and painful to deal with for the addict, but I can't imagine how hard it is for the SO to be along on the roller coaster trying to make sense of it.

I'd rather approach her and say, "This is something from my past that you need to know about. Here it is, and here's what I've done about it."

I'm not saying this is the right approach for everyone, nor am I even saying it is right for me; but the journey is not over, and so far, it's getting me closer to the man I want to be.