LAST MEN STANDING FOREVER CHALLENGE daily check in

I relapsed last night and this morning... I have this headache. I have this constant feeling like I could just give up on my life in general. Like Ill never get this, Im not strong enough. Im not worth it, either. I feel like I have no purpose and that even if I did have one Im never going to have the ability to see it through. I feel like my life is over.

I know that none of this is true, but its in my head. I dont know what I have to do in order to conquer my feelings. I dont know what I have to do in order to get this right next time. All I know is that I had an inner battle for days straight and I eventually just lost. I can't keep fighting this battle in my fucking head... How can you just end the thoughts? Its a fucking tornado of bombardment. I mean I even KNOW that I dont like porn and that I dont want this shit anymore but I still can't get my mind to shut the fuck up.... It makes me want to just shoot myself.

To the extent that I can't sleep, Ill lay there for HOURS. To the extent that I can feel my pulse throughout my whole body. Moving me to this crippling anxiety. Moving me to just fucking do it so the feeling will go away. I cried and I prayed to God to take the obsession away but it still remained. It might have left me for a minute. But then it came back. Then the zombie took over. I internally gave up... It was like I was gripping and gripping and gripping and my mental grip just gave up, then the dark side came in.

All I could hear in my mind was "SELF DESTRUCT, SELF DESTRUCT" and then while I was watching porn and masturbating I had a voice in my mind telling me "This is what you need in order to just kill yourself already" "Look at how weak you are, you deserve to just end it...." "Your family will get over it." "Your daughter doesn't need a disgusting piece of shit like you in her life"

These thoughts beat me down for hours and hours and today I just feel like I can't live my life or look anyone in the eyes. I wish that I could cry but I don't even have the energy to do that. I have all of these dreams for my life but I can't even pursue them because I can't get over this shit. I have a therapy session next week but I don't know if Im even going to make it to that session... It really feels like Im not even going to make it to work tonight. Or like I just wish that I didn't have to live and go through the whole period until whenever Im "healthy"

 

Do not give up you dream of leaving this shitty PMO behind, be stronger than what you were before, i know you are stronger , i always think what does not kill us only makes us stronger, you have to keep trying and find a way to control your urges . sorry about your relapse buddy .

 

Day 5 done .

 

I know how you feel man, trust me. You could just be masturbating because you’re bored and you wanna just get your mind off of something that’s heavily on your mind. We all have ways to cope with things. It’s not the end of the world. You’re gonna relaspe, it’s beautiful that you did because now you’ll know what triggers it. All you have to do is master that and you’ll be fine. However, this is something that is going to take TIME. Things don’t occur over night. Just restart and stay focused!

 

Day 0 guys lets go!

 

.

 

Checkin

 

Sooner or later you will beat this shit , this is a process of learning . Keep fighting and cut this hell from scratch. Take care

Day 8
Check in

 

Just remember that a relapse is not failure. It is a learning opportunity. Failure is in giving up completely. And you are supposed to feel emotions like self pity after a relapse. It's just part of being a human being. Just somehow don't allow yourself to bathe in those self pity thoughts for too long and get back on track

 

Day 15- I had very strong urges yesterday but I managed to win the battle.

 

246

 

So I saw what the other guys posted and what they say does have some meaning.

But I want u to know something.

Just one thing.


I have felt every word u have said. I have lived every word u have said. I understand every single thing u meant. Because I am and have lived with this for 11 years and 9 I have tried but. To no avail totally come clean.

But I heard a talk and they stressed how important it is for us to get up.

And keep going.

And knowing that I can. U know why I got up. Because of this talk they said God JEHOVAH GOD IS THERE FOR ME. He always has been. But I’m the one that with drew. James 4:8 says draw close to god and he will draw close to you.

I realize I left god. And I was trying things on my own. Not realizing he was as there the whole time just waiting for me to ask for his help to grab on and he would help me finish this race. It’s been 9 days and 5 hours since I relapsed and 9 days and 10 hours since I heard the talk. I messed up after hearing it forgetting to ask for help. But I got up. U can too.


I have felt like killing myself but it isn’t worth it. It’s a pain your family will never ever recover from.

EVER NEVER EVER EVER RECOVER FROM.

I have thought of over 1000 literal ways to die. Why because I thought I was that worthless.

I have a blog stonelord.wordpress.com

You can read some of what I have gone thru. I have come to grips with the fact tho. That I can do it.


IF


I ASK FOR HELP.

We are here for you. We want to help u. Reach out to us and we will help if we can.

Please just don’t give up.

Don’t do it.

I am actually now seeking psychiatric treatment because I realize I have bipolar manic depression

Which makes everything fall into place and understanding. I couldn’t sleep for years because of my addiction. Eventually went and got medical help to get the ability to fall asleep and now my sleep is better I do better. U can to just know we have to ask for help. And some times it is medical help.


Ask for something to help with your sleep issues and possibly see about help for the depression.


I see a lot in you. That reminds me so much of me. Just don’t give up this fine fight

 

9 down .... just 2.7million years to go before I think I will have had enough time behind me to think I have conquered this

 

Day 15

 

Check in

 

11 days, many ups and downs but finally reached at two digit number
hope all are doing good

 

I almost relapsed myself tonight.

But I stopped and thought about it and hit the emergency button and found a TED talk IT WAS AMAZING. To realize that he is right. If u think about it it’s right we need to reach out and have social lives when we need the help the most we need to reach out and talk to someone and it will help us



Everything you think u know about addiction is wrong ted talk by johann hari

 

So um.... yeah pride before a crash anyone... 9 days 13 hours to the minute.... and I threw it all away.... and if I could have waited 5 minutes I would have had the ability to have someone around to talk and kill it off but. I didn’t know. And the urge came and I gave in. So starting day 0 with infinity ♾ to go

 

Day 6 completed