Is Your Wife Battling a Luxury Addiction?

A brilliant satirical message on how women are spoken to by many, often church leaders, when their spouse has a porn or sex addiction.

Dear Christian Husband,
Is your wife battling a luxury addiction?
One popular marriage book states the undisputable fact that any time a woman goes 72 hours or more without a consumer encounter, she becomes dangerously prone to shoplifting. It’s a husband’s responsibility to give her consumer release, lest she become brain-fogged, unable to think clearly, or possibly even demon-possessed.
An incessant craving to shop is truly every woman’s battle. Women naturally have a higher luxe drive. It’s in her DNA to expect expensive things.
Paul says husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. Jesus gave up everything that belonged to Him in heaven, so you shouldn’t complain about canceling your night out with the guys and giving her the money so she can buy that giant Fiddle Leaf Fig tree she’s been eyeing.
You’ll be amazed at the beautiful relationship which will follow, when you truly prioritize her luxury over everything else in your household.
One survey of 400 women shows that men feel most valued and worthwhile when women spend their hard-earned income joyfully, which of course indicates that all women have a deep, hard-wired requirement for unlimited spending budgets. (No, the survey didn’t ask any men about their source of feeling valued, but we don’t need to actually ask men what they think. We can deduce their needs by simply assuming the inverse of the answers given by female respondents.)
Paul also wrote that the husband’s body does not belong to himself, but to his wife. Therefore, if her needs require you to work until you are exhausted and burnt out, you should remember that you are suffering for the glory of Christ.
Is she dissatisfied with the middle class life your job provides? Does she frequently comment on the enhanced standard of living other men provide?
Be joyful that you have the opportunity to work eighteen hour shifts and then come home to care for your children without sleep so that your wife can have a shopping break, it’s your cross to bear and Jesus says you should bear it with a smile.
Women love it when men smile, you’re handsomer when you pretend to be happy.
Also, women can’t go anywhere these days without having expensive beautiful things shoved in her face. Fiddle Leaf Figs are advertised everywhere - Target catalogs, blogs, even sitcoms! It’s impossible for her to bounce her eyes enough to avoid them all.
As her husband, if you simply commit to working harder and providing her with all the Fiddle Leaf Figs she needs, she will be less likely to battle luxury lust.
First, realize that once you marry, every battle with sin is a shared one. Since she is struggling in this area, it becomes your problem too.
Second, you need to humbly assess how your actions and attitudes are contributing to her lust for enhanced luxury. Consider putting in more hours at work, or seeking a promotion. If you only work 50 hours a week, get a second job, or request overtime.
Look around your garage and tool shed. What items could you sell to temporarily alleviate her discontentment? Think about the fleeting joy it will bring your wife, when you give her the cash from selling your mountain bike and golf clubs.
One study revealed that the typical woman thinks about luxury retail therapy every six minutes, some even more often. (Husbands, it’s probably better not to discuss this fact with your wife or to ask other women about it — you might find the answers scarring.) Don’t focus on whether she only married you for your money — that would be disrespectful of her needs.
(Pro tip: If you disregard the above advice and she says she isn’t tempted to by luxury lust every six minutes or less, she’s either not a red-blooded woman, or she’s lying to you.)
If your wife simply cannot control her shopping tendencies and habitually spends more than you earn, you might gently suggest shopping accountability software on her computer and then add yourself as her luxury accountability partner. This will send you a notification when she secretly buys another Gucci handbag, so you are hyper-aware of your failure to fulfill her desires and need to step up your game. At the same time, she will have a reasonable excuse to convince you that she’s trying to stop her impulse spending, so you feel too guilty to take away her credit cards.
If your wife expresses resentment at your suggestion to download Commerce Eyes, or submit to any shopping accountability at all, it’s probably because you are being controlling and unforgiving. Try setting a boundary with her, but make sure not to raise your voice, repeat yourself, or get your thoughts confused in the process. If you do, then you aren’t truly loving her with full sacrificiality.
The best way to approach this is to kindly and softly express your perspective in a loving tone, no more than 1-2 sentences, every 10-20 days. Otherwise leave it alone or she will feel unloved.
If you appear agitated or show emotions in any way, it is likely to trigger her childhood poverty trauma, which will make her go spend even more. And yes, that will totally be your fault.
No matter how many times she overdraws the accounts, the Bible says to forgive and keep extending unconditional trust. When she slips up and orders a new grand piano while you are sleeping, you need to remember how hard it is for her to stick to a budget in such a materialistic world.
Women are surrounded by stores, advertisements, and enticements just begging to be bought — and with the Internet… anything she wants is literally a click away.
Proverbs 31 describes the ideal wife as wearing scarlet, tapestry, and silk. Also, the apostolic church planter Lydia was a seller of purple, which was incredibly expensive — so a plain reading of Scripture makes it clear that it is every husband’s biblical mandate to make sure his wife is provided with elegant finery.
God created females for regular, frequent luxury consumer release. It doesn’t really matter if you’re enjoying the shopping trips. As a man, you simply can’t understand this unique need every woman comes hardwired with. It’s not a selfish byproduct of sin, it’s just God created femaleness from the beginning.
Even if you get diagnosed with cancer and can’t do heavy labor anymore, or have an accident that leaves you paralyzed and on disability, it’s your role as a biblical husband to alleviate her material discomfort.
According to all the bestselling marriage books from Focus on the Finances, there’s only one place a wife can appropriately get her luxury needs met — through her husband’s paycheck. No matter how tired or burned out you are, you need to work hard enough to fulfill her desires. Maybe it’s time for you to get a third job?
Remember, no woman shoplifts as long as she has a loyal, unquestioning husband who makes enough money and lets her spend whatever she wants. If she gets caught stealing, everyone will know it’s really your fault for being an unwilling husband, and no.... getting laid off because of the pandemic recession is not a good enough reason to fail her needs.
Actually, if you would just open your wallet more, she wouldn’t have developed a shopping addiction in the first place. I know it’s not fun to hear, but someone has to tell you the truth.
If you fail to satisfy her need for luxury release as often as she wants it, then you have to accept that her shoplifting is ultimately your fault. Extenuating circumstances do not absolve you from this godly mandate.
Paul wrote that “if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” (1 Timothy‬ ‭5:8‬ ‭KJV‬‬)
You wouldn’t want your pastor to be forced to tell everyone at church that you’re an infidel, would you?
Didn’t think so!
Disclaimer for the humorless trolls:
•Yes, this is satire.
•No, I don’t believe for a hot second that any husband should be treated this way by any wife, anywhere.
•Yes, this is based on typical messages to women about satiating their husbands’ lust.
•Also yes, it’s equally ludicrous and unbiblical to apply this message to wives re: sex.
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Mad props for the inspiration, as well as the permission to expand and repost, to:
The Other Foot
Sarah Bailey
Pamela Davenport