In the middle of the worst binge period of my life

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Doc88, Jan 4, 2018.

  1. Doc88

    Doc88 Fapstronaut

    I probably first tired NoFap when I was about 24, and that was after having started using internet porn around the age of 14 and getting to the point of using it once a day.

    I tried, made it a while, failed.

    Fast forward a few years and I have been using it more or less twice a day, with a few tries and fails sprinkled in.

    Each failure made it more clear to me how genuinely addicted I am due to the withdrawal symptoms and the total failure on my part to stay away from porn. I tried with and without masturbation with no porn and never any long term success.

    I recently got engaged at the age of 29 and tried again to quit, and this time, upon relapsing, I have been on the most relentless and destructive binge since. Hours of porn use whenever my fiancé is away, keeping me up late and making me tired and lethargic the next day.

    At this point I know that it's serious and it has got to stop but my moment of weakness comes right when I ask myself "what harm can one last video do?" and I let myself go again, telling myself I will do it again tomorrow.

    Anyone got any tips on how to fight that bullshit rationalising thought process?

    Has anyone else found their usage escalated after each relapse?
    learning and FxAmijElleJr like this.
  2. learning

    learning Fapstronaut

    You mentioned that you use porn whenever your fiance is absent, so that sounds like she might not know about your struggles. Probably she ought to know if she doesn't. You don't want to start your marriage hiding a secret like that.

    I abstained for a couple of years, and I noticed that I was worse when I relapsed.

    Maybe if you decide to tell your fiance each and every time that you cheat with pornography it might give you her support and more incentive not to keep putting off your quitting?
    Iguana and Immature like this.
  3. For me, it helps to remind myself that no matter what I think or feel, the reality is that porn will ONLY destroy. My thoughts or feelings are misguided if they do not align with this truth. There may be a release but the end result is exclusively loss, no exceptions. Also, I tell myself that I am worth abstaining from porn. I remind myself that my fundamental value as a human being dictates that I have the choice to choose something different. It is always possible to fall but it is never required. Even if I can reclaim 3 minutes of my life thinking that way, it is a victory. Your engagement and future life are worth your best. Despite any hardship, pain or loss, your life is INFINITELY better without porn. Even if it doesn't seem that way.
    pezzy⚡️, Immature and Lily White like this.
  4. Immature

    Immature Fapstronaut

    This is exactly what they say in AA, too.

    "While we're in here (at a meeting or living life sober), our addiction is out there, waiting for us and doing calisthenics!"
    learning likes this.
  5. Omnitron310

    Omnitron310 Fapstronaut

    The ‘one last time’ fallacy is a pretty common and powerful one. I know I’ve fallen prey to it several times (with porn and other things). It’s difficult to beat, but here are some thoughts that may help:

    1) You’ve already had your ‘one last time’; it was whenever the last time you viewed porn before beginning your current streak was. Think of that as your last time and try to keep it that way.

    2) You know for a fact that ‘one last time’ won’t just be ‘one’. Remember your previous times giving into that urge and remember how that one turned into an excuse to do many, and how bad you felt afterwards. Nothing’s changed since then. This time won’t be any different.

    3) Even one video is damaging. Not just the fact that you’re once again viewing an image that overstimulates and warps your brain, but also the damage done to your pride and resolve caused by giving in to your urges. You’re not a machine slavishly obeying your programming, you’re a human being, with the power of free will. Use it.
    Immature likes this.
  6. Doc88

    Doc88 Fapstronaut

    Hey guys thanks so much for the great replies.

    Yesterday I abstained through the day and went to the gym again for the first time in a few months. When I came back I felt almost euphoric, I was just so pumped to be on a new course, getting things back on track. I cleaned the house, I sorted out some work stuff and I went to bed early. I even bought my partner a load of sexy summer clothes thinking damn, who needs porn when I have this gorgeous babe of my own?

    Then I woke up in the middle of the night and sleepily jerked off to the same over-the-top, not-me-at-all thoughts that have crept into my porn over the last year or two. I didn't use porn but I didn't need to, my brain was conjuring up equally vivid memories of it, and I must have spent ages over it because by the time I looked at the clock when going back to sleep it was almost 4am.

    Woke up, instantly felt like well I fucked that up might as well do it again.

    Now I'm sitting here and that euphoric, pumped feeling has been replaced with a feeling of self-loathing, total lethargy to the point of slight nausea, and just a general feeling of shitness. Wow, I made it literally 18 or so hours, great work.

    This is the most stark contrast between using and not using porn (and I count masturbating to memories of porn) I have ever felt, and that's all in the space of a day. I hope remembering this horrible feeling will help me start a proper streak from today onwards. My rules now, with no breaking: no porn, no masturbating AT ALL, only sex.

    PS: To the poster who asked if I have spoken to my partner, I have, twice, but I have only told her I've failed one, so she presumably still thinks I'm on a huge streak since the last time. Debating whether or not to tell her again, she is fairly naive to porn and sex due to her upbringing and will be very disappointed.
  7. Jack of Clubs

    Jack of Clubs Fapstronaut

    Redirect more of your self pity into thinking about how you can prevent that particular incident from happening again.

    - What were you wearing? Did loose/no clothes give easy access? (Try adding more clothes/tighter waistband)
    - What did you do to block out the depraved thoughts? (The 'Red X' idea can work well, thinking of a big Red X over the thought when it comes up, followed by an explosion)
    - Where were your hands resting? (Try keeping them above the sheets at all time)

    If you enjoy playing games, then you will enjoy beating this monster at every turn. It's like being an expert goal keeper :)
  8. Doc88

    Doc88 Fapstronaut

    Hey guys thank you all for the replies, they're great and very insightful.

    Sorry for the late reply, I actually had a bad couple days with multiple, hard relapses.

    I am a mere 24h free again, but this time I had paid for a subscription to Brainbuddy the app. It's extortionate (I mean really, it's verging on an exploitative price model) but the amount I spent will guilt me further into staying the course, and I do like the daily check in system.

    I'd never been at the point where a single day without porn and masturbation was a challenge but now, even a single day feels like an accomplishment and fills me with energy - but at the same time I know it's also a sign that I have a very long way to go.

    I wanted to ask you guys something - how did you guys who are in relationships find that quitting porn affected your sex life? My gf is somewhat sexually reserved and we have been working on getting her to open up a little, and she has been making progress, but in the past her reservedness has caused me some frustration and led me to feel like I "may as well" just watch porn.

    But as much as I do think she can get in touch with her sexuality a little more, I have to accept that I need to get in control of mine, and I'm hoping that when my sexual response returns to normal it will improve our sexual connection even more.
  9. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    My sex life is better than it has ever been. I am able to be more in the moment and appreciate what is happening, and since my devotion to my wife is better felt by her (PMO affects behaviours in and out of the bedroom, your affection, patience and so on will also improve towards your partner once 'clean') all of my 'favourites' in the bedroom are more regular. Because I allow her to initiate them, they are better, because she actually wants to do the 'special' stuff and is fully into it when it happens. My wife did not turn into a pornstar overnight after quitting PMO though, and neither did I become fully satisfied with purely vanilla stuff. The sex life you want is not necessarily the sex life you will most enjoy. I am, now, exploring the boundaries and weirder, more kinky aspects of my sexuality with a loving partner instead of an uncaring, unfulfilling screen and the pixels thereon. These boundaries are not shrinking hugely, but I don't feel disappointed by any moment or session of intimacy, or feel left wanting 'more' as I sometimes did as a user. Mostly we have the same sort of sex we would always have had. Nothing totally out there or extreme or new. But it feels better. I feel more present. The orgasms are more intense. The fluids are more voluminous and my anxiety of being 'caught out' for having MO-ed recently is totally absent. Another point: the fact that your fiancee seems sexually reserved may be a reluctance to engage in activity that upsets her precisely because she suspect, assumes or just downright knows that you want her to do because you saw it in porn. If you watching porn upsets her, then asking her to be more like the women in it and to behave like them etc is going to be met with a negative response. Get rid of the porn and see what she does and doesn't enjoy when she doesn't have to worry about you comparing her to porn all the time.

    Good luck.
  10. Faygal

    Faygal Fapstronaut

    Yr ability to write coherent with a full Balsac is impressive; think of it to boost yr confidence in presence of fiance.

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