I'm a 51 year old male. I thought I would journal random thoughts. Feel free to add your thoughts too. I've never been in a relationship, so PMO has always seemed to be a necessary outlet, and I am not betraying a partner. However, PMO has been a major contributor to a pattern of self-loathing, depression, suicidal fantasies, etc. for the past 30 years. When I first began to indulge in PMO I was a college student. I was doing fine academically, but I hated myself for my secret weakness. I dropped out of college twice and only barely was able to graduate with a bachelor's degree after 6 years by switching to a much easier major. I had been majoring in physics, and I regret that I didn't learn the things that I wanted to learn. I frequently have a sad dream at night where I am back in college trying to finish my original degree in physics but I realize I'm too old now. After college, I began working as a software engineer. Every weekend I went to an adult bookstore to browse for VHS porn. Then I would typically spend Sunday afternoon for three PMO sessions of about 30 minutes each. I didn't feel good about this behavior, but it seemed to be under control. I rode my bicycle every day for at least an hour before work, and this controlled my chronic depression. ... Oh I did have a brief loss of control during this period when I began using a modem and a home computer to access my employer's internet connection. I stumbled onto a porn site, and couldn't seem to stop. I believe the system administrators became aware of this and hinted obliquely in a way that I would notice, so I stopped. That was potentially very bad, and it showed that I had a serious weakness. Then in 1999 everything fell apart for me when I got an internet connection at home and discovered the variety of porn images I could download. It was like throwing gasoline on the fire. I wasted hours downloading images, and I began drinking daily to cope with the feelings of failure and shame. The drinking began to interfere with the morning bicycle rides, so my depression became a problem. I had quit my job to attempt to develop some software as a start-up idea. That idea wasn't working, and being alone in my apartment all day feeling like a failure with the constant temptation of alcohol and internet pornography ... was bad. In a few short months, I was determined to kill myself, but I realized that I could not do this. So I threw away my career as a software engineer in an attempt to hurt myself. After destroying my career, I went home to work for my father's small business. I've spent the last 17 years with no personal goals or hopes. I've told my therapist that my only goal is to stay alive until my mother and my cat pass away. Then I will see. Over time, my anger and feeling of being trapped in a dead-end life caused me to drink constantly. I would wake up at 4am and get drunk before work. Then I would pour bourbon in my coffee to try to maintain a constant state of secret inebriation until closing time. Then I would get drunk again and fall asleep. The only time I sobered-up entirely was when I needed to drive somewhere (such as going to the liquor store for more supplies LOL). My father had terminal cancer from 2003 until his death in 2008. There was a hurricane that struck our town in the same week that my father died. This put 5 feet of sewage, petroleum, and water in our warehouse (and everybody's home in the area too). It was a very stressful time trying to operate our business in that chaos. About six months after my father's death, I spontaneously decided that I was going to stop drinking and sex entirely (PMO in my case). This resolution was surprisingly easy for two weeks, but then I had a mental breakdown. I began having paranoid hallucinations and delusions. For example, I thought my employees were hiding speakers in the walls of my apartment to torment and brainwash me in my sleep ... and LOTS of other weird things. In spite of all these strange psychological issues, I pretended that nothing was wrong. I never missed a single day of work, and I don't think anybody realized that I was having psychosis (including me because I had never heard of psychosis). It gradually went away. As it went away I returned to my habit of PMO with even more energy as though I was making up for the two years of abstinence. But so far I have not gone back to drinking, and I hope I never will. (One very bad result of the psychosis was that I became extremely religious (religiosity). I am normally not religious. So I fantasized that I might join a monastery and began to give away all my savings to charities. I had about $200,000 for my retirement. Now I have almost no retirement savings. I don't know if I can blame this entirely on PMO, but it was definitely a factor in my mental breakdown.) As I have aged, my libido has decreased. My libido has never been very high. Now it is nearly impossible to orgasm. It always seems like it is ALMOST there, so I can spend hours trying to stimulate myself with no natural endpoint. I often stay up all night trying and trying and trying. When I do have an orgasm, it seems like the payoff doesn't justify all the hours and hours of effort. That's about where I'm at today. Thanks for reading this long post if you did.