I'm really trying but....

Damn right you are angry.
Feel free to vent. You are among friends.

Sorry to hear about your job. That really sucks.
I wish the three of you success and good fortune. This cannot be easy for the kid...

 

What you are feeling is not unusual. Couples can experience completely opposite feelings once the secret comes out and the addict starts taking steps to get better.

The addict can feel invigorated, motivated, and feel free for the first time in a long time. They may feel a burden has been lifted simply by having the secret come out. They may also feel a surge the first few days after starting and before the cravings really hit hard. The addict may feel like they have hope that things could possibly get better.

On the other hand, the SO has to deal with the trauma of the discovery. They don't experience any 'surge'. They are often left to rethink the foundation of their relationship with the addict. Their self-esteem and self-worth may be at an all time low. An addict may finally see a path out of their darkness but the SO might not see any path for things to go back to what they were.

Above all I think there is a terrible feeling of injustice that the SO feels. Early in my reboot my wife thought I was getting off easy. She felt like there should have been more painful consequences after putting her through 17 years of misery. She wanted me to feel as bad as she did during that period of time. She wanted me to experience a punishment equal to the pain I had caused. We talked about it one night and I focused on how addicts need to be redeemed and not punished otherwise we'd all just seek solace in our addiction again. Part of my reboot needed to involve taking responsibility for what I did, do what I can to heal those old wounds, and work on being a better husband going forward.

The sad truth is that I can't make up for all that lost time. What my wife ended up doing was dividing me into two people - the 'old me' and the 'new me'. She could hate and swear and curse and rant and despise the 'old me'. But the 'new me' was worthy of forgiveness, love, respect, trust, and support. But only as long as I was making progress and making her feel good. Anytime that I start acting selfishly it would bring back memories of the 'old me' and that would make her feel nervous. I have to continually make sure the qualities that were a part of the 'old me' never return to the surface. I am learning to communicate better so that even the appearance of the old me coming back isn't happening.

There are even days where my wife will have all those old feelings come back without me doing something stupid. Memories of the old days never fade completely. Somehow she works her way through them. Her feelings, as well as yours, are valid. It is incredibly unfair. Our SO's did not merit the way we treated them. I hope your partner reaches a point where he can express remorse, help you cope, and show his appreciation for your perseverance. When he starts doing those things then there is a basis for forgiveness, trust, and love.

 

@Tania1974, my boyfriend had, as far as I know, no slip ups so far, but I still feel exactly like you do. You are definitely not exaggerating. You are not unique in your feelings and struggle. I wake up every morning and question everything that has happened between us and that is happening now. I am angry, disappointed, feeling like crap most of the time. I am trying my best for my kids not to be involved in this, but even they feel that something is off with me. I feel like I fell into some deep sinkhole in the ground and don't even see the light (hope) of stuff ever getting better for me. BF, on the other hand, is getting better and better - healing, exercising, taking care of himself, etc. He is finding himself in his new, P-free life. I feel like I got a concrete slab on me... like I can't move on from this. I don't feel like doing anything nice for myself. I dream about getting healthier, but somehow can't. I wish I could just leave the house to do my nails or cut my hair or buy a dress... stuff I have not done in years I definitely feel for you, because I feel the same.